Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Getting Clearer..Sort Of

So, reviewing the past year yesterday has left me feeling very blessed. Really amazed to be honest. Like, Wow GOD! You ROCK! Never in my life would I have thought one year ago that I would be where I am today. It's miraculous if you ask me. And such evident proof of our Living and Holy Father Above. I remember singing the song Amazing Grace over and over, more than a year ago, and praying with all of my heart that You would please haste the day that my faith would be set. And here I am today, my faith having grown into a way of life. That talking to you all day long is now just what I do. That my immediate reaction to most questions is "What do you think Lord?" or I need to pray about this. That righteousness is no longer something I scoff at, but now seek. That I no longer feel as though I am shrouded in darkness and unable to participate in life. That I have seen His hand ALL OVER MY LIFE ~ knowing now that He's always been there, even when I refused to recognize Him.

In looking back, I can't help but also think of all the times that I worried...and all the times He provided. Not once did my worry change an ounce of what was occurring, except to detract my attention from Him. Worry is a natural instinct for me ~ as is constantly feeling and seeing lack. I've tossed this around before by writing about it, and I don't wish to dwell. But I feel as though to think of only the good might diminish the bad that I've overcome. And as I type this I realize this entire paragraph is bologne! There's still bad. But that's ok. I am a life in progress. And at the very least I can take solace in knowing that this life is one that is being examined. That while I may not be happy with all that I am currently ~ "I" am a fluid concept of late, and I would so prefer this to my stagnant ways of the past. I truly lived Einstein's definition of insanity for wayyyy too long, and I have no desire to go back.

Looking at what I just wrote I am actually very pleased. All in the matter of two paragraphs I was able to love how far I've come while also embracing where I've been, where I am today, and while being honest that it's not all roses! That's a beautiful thing my dears! And some of you may be reading this and wondering what the heck I'm talking about. But I know there are a few of you who get it. You get that I am coming to terms with my life. Realizing the blessings that abound and making peace with a past that is sordid to say the least. Seeing life with new eyes and still adjusting the lens because it feels oh so right and oh so wrong all at once. My steps are becoming steadier, my footing surer. Grounding myself in God is the only way I know that my path is straight. And this thinking and writing is all a result of a desire to straighten my path even further. To not waste one more second with a life unlived. So forgive my rambling and my grasping and my stumbling. It's just how I figure out how to walk forward in a way that won't leave me looking back.

There are 365 days spread out before me that each deserve the attention that I've so lavishly given to my past, because that's where I've always lived. So what to do with these days ahead. Who will I become within another year? Where will I go? Who will I meet? How much deeper will my heart grow? And what must I do to ensure that I become even more of who I am? That I go where He leads me? That I meet those I am meant to meet? That I come to know the way this heart was created to beat?

One of my favorite bloggers names her years and I LOVE the idea. You can read her post here. I've been trying for months to think of what I will name 2011. What will this year blossom into? What will it create in me? How will it grow me? Time is so very precious and I don't wish to waste any of it. I love her idea of living in the present and being aware of each moment. But I can't steal it. And I don't want to steal it. I am so tired of looking at Facebook and other blogs and thinking "I wish I had that" or "I wish I were skinny like her", or even "I wish God would give me the ideas she has". I am enough. My Father provides and He is more than enough. He made me to be me ~ and there's only one like me. So I need to embrace me even further, knowing it's the right thing to love myself and who God is making me to be. Because out of that love that I've already learned to receive from Him ~ if I can get to a point of truly loving myself ~ well I say look out world. There will be no stopping this girl who loves to love, but as of now has only timidly reached beyond herself to love others, constantly second guessing the way I am living this life. There's no more room for that here. The old is gone, the new has come, and it's bright on the inside ~ now we need to show it to the outside.

Alicia ~ you are so very lovable and we got this girl! Proclaim the beauty that is within. Proclaim God within you. Let Him shine forth into the darkness. Trust. Love. Be. Be truth. Be His truth. Be. Just as you are meant to ~ BE. I need not do anything. It is not through our own striving that we reach further depths in Christ. It is simply being present in each moment, being true to who you've been created to be, being you. There's only one you.

Holy deepness batman! I need a break after that dooozy! Sorry if I'm leaving you more confused than when you started reading. Amazingly enough ~ I think I understand better what it is I am to do, maybe. Let me give it some time to marinate and I'll let you know. Love ya's!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Another Update (and some Christmas Music for you to enjoy while you read)!!!

Hello everyone, again! I was finally able to get the sizes for some of the people affected by last week's fire, and they are:

June (female): 7-1/2 shoe, Large top, 8/10 bottom
Mai (female): 6-1/2 shoe, medium top, 8/10 bottom
Jose (male) - Medium shirt, 30/32 pant size (waiting on shoe sizes)

June and Mai Chow were roommates!

Now here is the awesome thing I have found out about the company they work for ~ Baker Industries is a second-chance company who also hires people that need help getting on their feet from places like half-way houses, homeless shelters, prison, etc. They help people who really want to change their life and need a hand to do that. Praise God that I am getting to work with them in this way! So - they will take ANY & ALL donations you can make! Whether it be to help the fire victims or their other employees. I was told today that the owner's wife actually recently just set up a small boutique in their warehouse for their employees to come and pick items from, for free! Items such as clothing and household goods! So ~ even if your items don't help the people affected by the fire ~ they will help someone! AWESOME!!

So this is where I encourage you to give whatever you have to give! And they have offered to work with me to pick items up from me because I am so overwhelmed by people who want to help! Can you imagine?? My heart overflows!!! So - let me know if you can drop things off or if you need me to pick them up. Either way ~ YOU ROCK & I LOVE YOU!!!!! May God seriously bless each and every one of you!!!!

Facebook “event” for collecting donated items:!/event.php?eid=109842265754568

Facebook “group” more focused on the National Bank of Malvern Fund:!/home.php?sk=group_168321493205976

T. & E. Care website:

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Update on Donations

Hey all of my giving friends! You are awesome!!! The response to my request to help these people has been overwhelming! I apologize for not getting back to you all yesterday, but I have 2 sick little one's at home! Plus, I still have not received the sizes of clothing/shoes that are needed. The company who is collecting the donations is compiling a list and hopes to get it to me tomorrow at the latest. As soon as I have that information I will be passing it along to everyone!

But, in the meantime - we are taking ALL household items that people would like to give, as there are 4 households that have been left with nothing! So - I can collect those items from you or again, you can drop them off to me. Please bear with me, as I am being contacted by many people and trying to get back to everyone! I love that I am overwhelmed by giving! Couldn't be a more perfect way to ring in the true spirit of this season! So thank all of you precious hearts! If you've contacted me directly but haven't heard back from me - I will be in touch soon! Love you all!!!!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Help Please!!! Donations Needed!!!

Hello to my friends and family! My family and I have been talking seriously about helping a person or family in need this season, and that opportunity has presented itself to us this past week. Wednesday evening as I left work I saw a woman walking up the street and I stopped and asked if she needed a ride. She happily replied yes and got in the car. It was immediately evident that this woman is mentally challenged ~ and very sweet! So she directed me to her home, not more than a few blocks from where I work in Malvern. She lived in an apartment above a rug store. She was very grateful as I dropped her off and I went on my way home.

The next morning I was driving down the same street heading to the bank, and the building where this woman lived was completely charred and burned out. Apparently there was a very bad fire in the building that destroyed all of the apartments and the company below it. I'm not going to lie - my heart stopped when I saw this. Ok God ~ I'm listening! But I didn't even know the woman's name, so after contacting the fire department, police department, and finally the company that employs her, I have more details. Her name, I am told, is Mai Chow, and she has lost everything. All of her clothes and belongings were lost in this fire. As were those of the other 5 residents who lived in the apartments. Mai Chow's only family is a sister whom they have not been able to contact as of this morning. Her and her roommate have been given temporary housing for approximately 2 weeks, but have no clothes, no coat, no shoes, nothing.

So, it is now my very strong intention to help this woman and the others affected by the fire, in any way possible. They are in need of everything! Hence this e-mail to all of the giving souls I know! I am calling for a massive response from all of you wonderful people who love to give ~ and what better time than right now! We all know how cold it is outside, and we all know that there are so many who are less fortunate than we are ~ now we have the opportunity to truly help someone who couldn't need it more. Imagine that you are mentally challenged and were just involved in a fire where people had to be rescued from the roof because the flames were so bad. Imagine that you are left with nothing. Nothing! Now, look around your home and imagine what you could do without. How about that blanket that has been sitting in the closet for a year? And those shoes you haven't worn for 2 years? What's that - you have a set of kitchen utensils you don't use anymore? And the microwave that's sitting in your basement? I am willing to bet that every one of you have at least one item in your home that you could give in order to create a new home for someone who truly needs it. I'm not asking for money, unless you want to give that too. But there is a simple way to help that won't cost you anything.

I am collecting items starting right now. I will come pick them up from you, or you can drop them off to me at my home. Either way, please figure out a way to help these people. I will remain in contact with Mai Chow's employer, as they have set up a person to coordinate all donations for the people affected. They are also reaching out to find permanent homes for Mai Chow and her roommate. So please - take a minute to think of one thing you could donate. And pass this e-mail on to anyone you can think of that would be willing to help. I know what awesome friends and family I have, and I wouldn't ask for your help if it weren't necessary. But this is a fantastic opportunity to see the true meaning of Christmas come to life ~ so join me and let's reach one of the hurting!

Ok, you can e-mail me or call me at (484)798-4078 to make arrangements. I really appreciate your help and your response here. And you can read about the fire on the front cover of today's Daily Local News, or here:

I love you all very much and am grateful already for the outpouring of love that I see happening for this precious soul named Mai Chow. HUGS!!!!


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Where Are You Looking?

Why do we look everywhere else for the comforting of our souls? Why is it our natural reaction to search elsewhere? We wait for a glance from "that" man, to say it's ok ~ you are loved. We seek the affection that we just know will fill our needs which seem to strangle us with every breath. We base our self-worth on what others say, even though we know that others view us through their own barrage of self-doubt. We are so eager to play the victim because then we have a reason. Why do we so easily give away that which He holds dearest?

These are my thoughts of late. I am becoming ever~more aware of just how often I turn away from Him to find the satisfaction of my soul. But it ain't workin!!! While I don't necessarily understand why I do this, I am seeing how painfully obvious it is that it does not work! There is not one example I can give you to support looking to others, or even ourselves, for the desires of our heart. That's because ultimately we are designed to need and receive this from one source only. Only ONE is capable of truly loving and satisfying our souls in the ways we were created to need. Pretty smart dear Father! Pretty smart! You got that one right on! It's masterful when you consider the depth to this one single design that rules the majority of our behavior. He created us to need Him. That nothing else shall satisfy the deepest cravings of our souls. Nothing.

And I'll bet that many of you know this. I know this. I KNOW THIS! Yet, there I go...looking to my husband...looking to my children...looking to the stranger I pass on the street...looking to myself. We need validation. We need to know we are loved. We need to know we matter. From what I witness daily, I can comfortably, and sadly, conclude that everyone is searching for this. All of the people in your life need these same things. Not only do they need it, but we go to great lengths of destroying ourselves to capture love and validation from others. If you look very closely, you can see lost souls walking around everywhere, asking "Do I matter?" So tell me this dear one ~ do you think they are capable of giving it to you? How would they possibly be able to provide you with something they can't grasp for themselves? And even if they could, would it truly satisfy? I think not. I know not. In my heart, I know not.

God is the only true lover of our souls. He who created the heavens and the earth, and everything in between, created our souls to crave Him. It is truth. It is inescapable. It will remain this way regardless of our attempts to look elsewhere. Only He can satisfy because only He knows the depths of our beings. While some of you may think, "Oh great, one more thing I'm doing wrong!", let me put a spin on this that may comfort. He designed us to need that which there is a solution for. Take a minute with that one because He just smacked me over the heart with it too! Let's say it again...He designed us to need that which there is a solution for. He's already provided the answer to our soul searching ways. HE IS THE ANSWER! Aaahhhhh! Do you get it? We are all searching so desperately, scouring the earth, to know that we matter. But it is all for naught. We have the ability to go straight to the source! And I will stake my life that He will tell you that you matter. HE CREATED YOU! OF COURSE YOU MATTER!!! You matter. The author of every life thinks YOU matter. He who orchestrates the rising of the sun and moon every day. He who created vast oceans and delicate flowers and sheer beauty. He thinks your life was worthy of creating ~ and He already knows all the ways you'll screw it up! But you were still worth creating. He loves you that much!!!!!!

I matter.
I am loved.
I breathe because I was created.
I was created because I am loved.

Do you know these things too? Is your soul resonating with what I'm speaking? Regardless of how many years you have searched elsewhere ~ I'm guessing that you just heard the truth and you know it with every ounce of your being. As much as you may want to cling to the idea that you are not loveable or loved ~ God just came in and did what He does. He spoke truth into your heart. Truth that you are absolutely lovely ~ we all are. We all matter!!!!!!

Oh Father ~ that the depth of what you just spoke into my being will ring true for eternity. That I might know this as truth over that which I have falsely held as truth in my soul. I matter. I am loved. I am lovely. Lord I shall not question your design in me. I trust that your purpose for me existing is greater than any validation I might receive from elsewhere. There are no words to express what you've just infused into my heart. How could I possibly doubt what you have spoken here? There is no sufficient praise to thank you for your mercy, your grace, and your love. How perfect your ways. Let me forever look to you and know that I am love. Thank you sweet Papa. Thank you.

Go on and be blessed please. Turn to Him ~ the true lover of our souls ~ and know that you are loved. No matter what, you matter. So much love to all who read this! May your hearts understand the magnitude of His design. You are His design and for that alone I love you. Huge hugs!!!!

Friday, October 22, 2010

My Littles

My love for my children abounds. Finally. The truth of my love for these two beings who came from my very own womb is finally being discovered and embraced. This is not to say I haven't always loved them, because I the best of my ability to love. But we aren't fully capable of loving others until we know the love of God. And I do. And His love goes forth from my healing heart, flowing into those who I've desired to love for so long, but wasn't able to, fully. To truly love another being with the love that is given to you by our Father will change your soul in the exact way it's meant to. And a mother's love for her littles is nothing short of God's truest intention for love.

But while this love for our offspring is beautiful and overwhelming and staggering, it can also bring fear and guilt that will literally stop your heart. The opening and healing of your heart allows you to see beyond yourself and sometimes that can be somewhat see the damage you've done, the pain you've heaped, the brokeness you've passed those dearest to your heart. And while feeling God's love opens you to love, it also opens you to much deeper feelings of the entire range He gave us to feel. And feeling true despair over the damage done to your very own innocent children, well that's something that could push you right over the edge.

Don't jump yet though, because it is at that very edge where God comes in and holds our hand, standing next to us, and asks you to trust Him even further. It is here where you can see His love for them...just as He loves you and has healed you...He is capable of healing them. But He had to do His work in you first ~ breaking that generational sin (Can I get a Hallelujah!!!).

And now He will guide me to shower the love over those littles that they have been deserving since they were thought into creation. Can I just tell you how I plan to rock out loving them? This love will know no bounds and will be shown in every way possible, and in some ways not known to be possible. Look out my little ones ~ this Mommas heart is ready to be shared and will infuse itself to yours, so that you WILL know the love of God and the life that He has designed just for YOU! You will be shown the truth of how perfectly fantastic you are and all of the wonderfulness that exists within you, this I promise my son and daughter. This I promise. We will walk this Earth together, hand in hand, knowing the amazingness of what He has created in each of us and the goodness He has in store for us. I can feel the love swirling and Daddy is whispering that this is what He has intended all along...and it's going to be ok. We are all just as He intended. Step off that ledge and let's fly together dear ones!

Mmm, I love how He loves us and that I can freely and without reserve entrust the lives of my children to Him and know that His plans for them far exceed any wild-haired idea I may wish for their lives. It is through Him that we each will heal and go out into the world and breathe His love and life. As lights on a hill that cannot and will not be hidden. We're going to shine baby, shine!!!

And on that note, I have to share a post that encourages me and reminds me to live out Shakespeare's words of "To Thine Own Self Be True" ~ know who God has created in you and embrace that being. I can't wait to show my littles how to rock out who they are because I think they are amazing and the world wouldn't be the same without their precious souls! You can read that post here (and yes I definitely stole the next song from her blog, but I'm sure she won't mind because she rocks like that and would appreciate me sharing an awesome song with all of you!)

I want to leave you with these thoughts my lovelies ~ whether it be your children, your parents, your brother or sister, your friend, your neighbor, or the lonely soul you pass on the street, or even the lonely soul you may see in the mirror when you dare to look ~ LOVE THESE PEOPLE!!! Please, find some way to love these people. Whether it be a huge abounding love or a small gesture that says you care ~ find a way to intentionally love someone this weekend, if only because our Father loves you!!! It is only through the lifting of my sisters in Christ that I am able to share these words with you this morning ~ and now I will give back. Please do the same!

Ok, so much love coming at all of you this beautiful fall God-inspired day! Hugs, kisses and all that jazz from a girl who just loves to love!!! Have a beautiful and glorious weekend my dears ~ you are very loved! Check ya later skaters!!!

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Letter of My Life

Hmmm, where to even begin. Can it possibly be written? I've asked before, but are there words that properly match the voice of our hearts? And even if there are, do they come anywhere close to expressing His love? My guess is no because at this point all I can do is hope my heart doesn't explode with His love. So, here's to hoping because I have been waiting to write this for two days now and I can only imagine what the recounting will do to strengthen further what He has done in this soul and many others over the past 4 days. Even as I begin to conjure up the ways to tell it, He is loving all over me and I could die today knowing He is for me...and you...and His love is ALL that matters. Not one other thing or person or being comes close to His love. I truly now grasp the meaning of the word GENUINE. His love for us is absolutely GENUINE and perfect and all-encompassing.

I think the best way for me to share the events of the past few days would be in the form of a letter to the orchestrator of these grace-filled days. So, here we go!

My Dearest Abba Father,

My heart overflows, and you know this. What you have completed in me in one weekend has brought together 31 years of life and given those years purpose. I realize now that this is what I have been missing all this time ~ completely knowing and accepting your love. Not that your love has changed, but my heart is now restored to you and can fully feel your love, truly and overwhelmingly. I've said for years that my strength is rising as I wait on you, but I never realized it could be like this. That it's not about strength or anything I do. It is about letting your love flow through me in a way that shines for others to see and glorifies you all at the same time. I am a conduit for your love, which once understood and felt, flows out naturally into the world. How could it not? For surely I cannot possibly contain this awesome and amazing grace you have opened my heart to.

I see now that you had to spend the last several years gently picking up the broken pieces of this heart and discarding them. Those pieces were never meant to be there, but were heaped onto this heart by the brokenness of this world. And by your grace, I have taken those pieces and died to them, once and for all. They are no longer a part of my being, although you've allowed the memories to remain, lest it not be forgotten exactly what has been done with this life. Because that is how others will be helped to heal, just by simply hearing the amazing story you have made this life into. Your beauty eclipses all of the brokenness in one shining light.

This weekend a group of your children gathered in order to learn how to better rest in you. And that took on many forms and shapes just like anything good you give because of the perfect diversity you have created in each of our stories. And when we are all brought together in this way, it shines of your love! Laughter is felt, tears are shed, hands are held, hearts are molded, spirits are united, love is given and love is received, and you are at the very center of it all. It is so clear that every word spoken was ordained directly from your love for us. In order to break us even further, until we finally give in to your relentless pursuit, once and for all, realizing this is the moment you've been waiting for...for us to surrender completely and absolutely to your ways, so you can breathe the new life you so desire and seal yourself in our beings. Thank you for not relenting Father!

Bringing me to my knees, you showed me my old self, lying lifeless at the foot of the cross, distorted and broken. You held me as I wept over that life because that life was full of striving and a desire to be good, but it was a life of this world. After wracking sobs were wrenched from my gut to pay proper homage for this girl who had gotten so very lost, I was able to hear you say "it's ok to walk away...come with me now and I will show you the way." Your voice, Father, is clearly the reason angels sing.

I then watched as a small child with beautiful blonde locks and innocent, lovely blue eyes emerged from that broken and lifeless body to turn and run into your arms. Your embrace over her was endearing and freeing in a way that finally allows me to call you Daddy...something I've longed for in the depths of my soul. A redeeming Father who has the ability to restore the lost child. It was then that the beautiful momma you've placed at my side voiced all that you were showing me in my heart, confirming your visions and whispers over my life.

And from this brief moment in time ~ a mere 24 hours ~ healing flowed over your children who lavished love over one another, sharing and singing and holding and resting. Finally resting in the truth of your love and your peace and joy, resting in your essence and gifts and sovereignty, in the ability to properly worship you. Relinquishing control. Fully resting in you.

Papa, to say that you have restored my heart wouldn't even begin to explain your work. This heart is the heart you gave me when you first conceived the thought of me. This heart came directly from a piece of your own and I quiver at the thought of a heart shared with your mightiness. That I might be worthy to share this love you are showering over me. But I am worthy. You have fully equipped me to step into this new life and be the person you've been speaking to for quite some time now. My gratefulness is unutterable, but I know you hear the shouting of my heart in it's rejoicing and love for you. And the more you show me as a child, running in fields with you and finally reaching out for all that you have waiting, the more my heart beats in rhythm with yours. May they beat as one forever and ever.

It is in your beautiful son's name that I am able to sing these praises to you. It is in his name that I exist. Amen Daddy, Amen.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Float On

I haven't written lately because I fear that what I am saying isn't truth, that I am a hypocrite because I'm not exactly living what I speak. But as my kindred-spirit pointed out ~ our words have power and we must speak good into our lives. So, even if I'm not quite there yet, it's ok, because I'm proclaiming where I am headed. And every time I speak those words...that truth attaches itself to my soul and impacts my decisions, good or bad, in the future. So I am slowly, intentionally closing the gap between where I am and where God wants me. Boy is that a process! But looking back, I can't imagine if my steps hadn't taken the exact path they I will continue to step forward, shakily but led by faith and a love for my Father! I will float on His love and let Him carry me.

God has also been helping me to just remain still and get quiet. Have you been still lately? Have you paid attention to that which flows from your mouth? If so ~ rock on! If not, I would encourage you to take a yourself. Is what flows coming from the heart? Can you listen without having to speak? Can you just be, without having to affirm that you are right or good or justified...just be? Can you float through your day, knowing you are loved?

Are you looking for the lovely in others? I was directed to do this for the next week by a woman who is trying to help me restore my marriage ~ God Bless Her (no really, God please Bless Her!). Our natural inclination is to focus on that which is wrong or lacking or negative, especially in others. Change your mind. Thinking on that which is lovely about my husband is much more uplifting than focusing on all that is wrong. And it allows me to be the obedient wife, regardless of what he does because I know that ultimately he is lovely and exactly who God created him to be ~ my husband. So while we both continue to mess up and fumble through this marriage that God has called us to (very clearly and loudly He called, I might add), I can see much brighter glimpses of the people that God is unveiling as He slowly and delicately works out the good for us, individually and as husband and wife. Rock on God, rock on! Help us float closer and closer!

Even if things end up a bit too heavy, we'll all float on alright, of this I'm becoming more and more sure. God is always here, with us, lifting us, guiding us, loving us. I'm preparing to go away with my church for the weekend to learn how to rest in Him and I really just feel the need to float on, trusting Him and allowing Him to carry me, no matter what. Sorry for the mad rambling and run-on sentences, but I'm choosing to let Him do the speaking and this is one of the awesome ways He works in me ~ rambling and bits and pieces that when strung together as a whole ~ He can be heard saying "Float on with me today Alicia!"

Alright then Daddy-O, let's float! Here's to all of you reading this ~ go get still, speak your truth, and look for the's there, in abundance, I promise! Love you much and hoping you all take some time to float on His love this beautiful weekend! XOXOXOXOXOXO!!!!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

That's Progress Baby!

I was up at 3:00 this morning, having an awesome conversation with our Father, who for some reason I'm sure only He knows, loves to wake me in the middle of the night for prayer and time to talk. Hmmm, it just occurred to me that it may mean I'm not giving Him enough time during the day. Ok, more on that in a later post. But for now I need to share what He shared. He told me that He is truly pleased with me, amongst many other things, but let's go with this one for today because it's just that good!

He is truly pleased with me! Oh yeah, that's right, uh huh! Ok, I may or may not be doing the jig right now (you'll never know ~ unless you know me, and that would mean that yes, yes I am doing the jig, because, well, that's what I do!) So at the very moment I feel that I am failing completely and irrevocably, the God of this Universe took the time to whisper that He loves me and He is truly pleased with me. I would be lying if I said I wasn't shocked. That whisper made my heart jump! How can YOU be pleased with me? I complain, I stagger backwards with every step I take, I get angry, I am sad, and I sin. And that was just this morning! Not really, but on any given day pick three from the above list and you'd be correct! But here's where He got me. He said,

"But look at where you began, then look at where you are now. And know that I was pleased with you where you began...just as I am truly pleased with you now. Because I knew where you would begin, and I knew that you would get to here, so why would I not be pleased? There is beauty in all of it and it was all in my plan. You are my plan."

I realized then, and even more-so today that I constantly look at where I'm not ~ instead of how far I've grown. I see what I don't have ~ not the bountiful blessings that surround us with every breath that enters our lungs. I see all that I am not ~ instead of seeing what He see's ~ a perfect creation who is exactly who she was made to be at this moment in time. I see the steps I take backward ~ not the HUGE steps taken forward. All in all, I am not giving myself enough credit. I am not celebrating the deeper relationship I now have with my Father, which has slowly changed me in MANY ways! Looking back I realize that the changes have been huge! And while it took me almost 30 years to do the damage, I need to give Him at least a few more years for perfection!

He also reminded me that when I look in the mirror and criticize, I am criticizing His creation. He made me beautiful ~ for eternity. Now, while getting out of bed this morning at 7am, after being up from 3 till mmmm, about 6:00 ~ I can tell you I might not have felt very beautiful at that moment! But upon prying my eyes open and splashing some cold water in my face, I was reminded of His words ~ I'm very beautiful to Him, inside and out. Who am I to question Him? Ok God, if you say so, I guess I'm beautiful (I say with a sheepish little grin).

The point is ~ it's ok. It's all ok, no matter what. If God is for you, who can be against you? And God is for me. God loves me, and that will never change ~ He will never forsake me. So no matter how I struggle in my marriage or with addictions or with patience or with finances or with... (you fill in the blank), it is ok. God is with me, God loves me, God will provide, and in Him there is such abundant joy to be found. His ways are not our ways, so while it is ok to question our lives (I actually encourage you to do so because "an unexamined life is not worth living" ~ Socrates), it is not ok to question the purpose of this life. Whether or not I deserve life or whether or not I want to be here ~ these are not up for examination. Because God has a purpose in each and every one of us, and He is very pleased with each of us, for one reason or another ~ a reason we may not even recognize! But He is pleased. God is pleased with me. Yeah, that's plenty for today, for this moment. Father you are enough...more than enough.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A Love Letter ~

Dearest Little Brother (who's not so little any more):

So you've made me an Aunt (again), and new life is always something to celebrate! But along with being a time to celebrate, it is also a time for reflection on this beautiful thing called life. While I can't stop looking at her beautiful pictures, I also can't stop thinking about what her life will mean to you and your crazy awesome wife. Your lives have been completely and unutterably altered, from this point on. You will forever feel that a piece of you is now living and breathing outside of your beings. You will know what it means to truly worry over a cough. You will feel love in a way that you would have never known, had she not been a part of this world. She will cause worry and tears and doubt and fear...along with beauty and laughter and unimaginable joy and peace...knowing that God has given her to only you, and you to her, because He loves all three of you THAT MUCH! Oh, how he must love us ~ to give us the incredible ability to create an entirely separate being from that which makes us who we are. How can you not gaze at her and see God's love for us?

It is in her fingers ~ tiny and perfect. Her sweet cherub lips that are pink and precious! Her face that would melt the hardest of hearts! Pure beauty and loveliness! What's even lovelier is hearing in your voice something that wasn't there before ~ a sense of caring more for someone else than you've ever cared before. An awe of the grace of our Creator ~ that you might be blessed in this way. Let that awe stick little brother ~ forever and ever, please. Because this new walk is one that will take a lifetime, and even then, you still won't be capable of grasping what a huge gift your daughter's life is. That God chose her just for you and has awesomely amazing plans for your family! You so enjoyed giving her her first bath that I can only imagine the day she walks, talks, gets married, and has a child of her own (and trust me ~ it will happen that quickly!)! How proud and overwhelmed with joy I am for you. She is surely going to change your life, even more than she already has and I beg that you dive deep into that change and enjoy every moment of being a father to such a blessed baby girl! Always remember that she is a gift, who is meant to walk this Earth with a purpose and a way all her own ~ specially gifted by our Father and protected by His love that will carry her through life, with your help!

Along with, of course, the help of your beautiful wife whom I love as a sister! Girl ~ you delight my heart in a million ways! You are strong and courageous and kind and lovely, and an incredible mother, this I know already! And the perfect woman for my brother ~ may he hold onto you forever! What a beautiful family you both have created ~ be sure to always keep God at the center of it and to always remember the importance of your marriage! Without the happiness of Mommy and Daddy, there's not much to go on for any of you! So brother ~ make sure to take your gorgeous wife out on a date every once in a while and revere her for the ability to give life ~ your daughters life. And bring her flowers ~ if I remember correctly she's a stickler for roses ~ fill your home with them just because you love her that much.

My heart spills over with love for you and your family in ways I can't describe! And while it saddens me greatly that I cannot be there to share in this momentous time with you and yours ~ please know that I am there fully in spirit ~ thinking of all 3 of you constantly and praying for each of you deeply. We may not be close in terms of miles, but your place in my heart will never be moved or changed - ours is a bond that will last for eternity & I thank God for blessing me with you, and now your beautiful family. It's just sooo good! I love you endlessly and will always be your big sister, even though you have a little one of your own now and aren't so little yourself any more! And remember that your daughter has two cousins who are dying to hold her and just love all over her! They're pretty good at that ;) Much, much love and all that's good being sent your way little brother! Can you feel me hugging you right now? Cause I am, always!!! Congratulations and blessings over your family! And Momma ~ just keep doing what you do because it's all good and you inspire! And precious baby girl ~ you have an Aunt who will love you forever and can't wait to get her hands on you and kiss you all over and eat you up! In just that order! Love you child whom I have yet to meet but is already a piece of my heart!

Love you all so very, very much! xoxoxoxo

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Am I Willing?!?!?!

This question keeps arising, and while I rush to proclaim "yes, of course I am," I also find myself strangely hesitant because I think my heart knows the answer I desire to give while my mind says "no ~ because you aren't!" For way too long now I have wrestled internally with myself ~ knowing what I know and what I should be doing, but ultimately not doing it. And God keeps asking, in different ways, at different times, "Are you willing?" While this question and those three words could apply in so many different ways, I know it is not that simple. He is asking me ~ am I willing to give it ALL to Him and get serious in this walk with Him? Am I willing to strive for goodness and righteousness, no matter what? Am I willing to stop living a lie by living on the fence between His ways and the ways of this world? Am I willing to choose Him?

...Because you can't have your cake and eat it too Alicia! It doesn't work that way. It's all or nothing! No more mediocrity in our relationship! No more lukewarm! You're so discontent with this life, and yet I am offering you a new way of life ~ but still you hesitate! I understand dear child why you hesitate ~ the draws of this world and sin are strong and many. And leaving them behind completely is not easy ~ at least from your perspective! Your sight is so limited and focused on yourself, but if you choose to follow Me I promise to offer you eternal beauty, peace, and rest. My ways are not your ways, my thoughts are not your thoughts, but if you follow me closely, they will resonate with one another and my ways will become your ways ~ my thoughts your thoughts, that I promise. I have promised you much more than you will ever gain here on Earth, living the way others do. But you have the choice because I will not force you to turn to Me. I will not make that choice for you, because I love you that much and want you to love Me because it is your choice. I love you regardless, no matter what. But your love is fickle and waivers depending on who you are speaking to and what you are doing. I want your heart Alicia, all of it, forever! I want you to walk with me daily, minute by minute. I want you to give it all to me because only I am capable of turning ashes into beauty. I am the way, the truth and the life. Be still and know Me dear child. I am waiting, but you must be willing.

I struggle with how to do this. How do I turn to Him fully and without restraint? What steps must I take? But yet ~ even as I type those questions, I already know the answers. He's already showed me the way. It is I who resists and makes excuses. It is I who holds back and doesn't do what I know I should. It is I who turns to the ways of this world. It is I who loses.

In case you can't tell this raging battle that is taking place for my soul is at a breaking point and I am at the true Crossroads that I think (hope) many Christians come to. I no longer wish to be a lukewarm Christian. I no longer want to live knowing that, while I am going to Heaven, it is only by a thread that I maintain my relationship with my Creator. I no longer desire to go from high to low, complete love to utter disbelief, recognition and a true walk to a turned back and short memory. And God is telling me that He no longer desires the crumbs I throw at Him. He loves me so much more than that and isn't ready to just let me be complacent. His desires for His creation are much greater than that. I can feel my heart yearning for His love and His ways and the life He intends for me.

Teach me Lord! I beg of you! Because there are still so many ties to this world that I can't seem to break on my own. But I can no longer live in limbo ~ between your ways and my own. It is only through You that I will be able to turn from sin and walk towards You. While my journey only started a few short years ago, it has been long and drawn out because I resist You. My fingers resist typing this right now because the honesty is painful. But You are here, all the while, waiting. I know that as I type these words change is occurring within my heart. The moment has come for the final decision to be made, once and for all of eternity. It is time Lord. It is time and I choose You. I choose Your ways. Regard me gently Father, because I don't know the way, but I know You, and I know You are all I need.

Break these ties within my soul Lord, please. Remove the need to drink alcohol in order to escape Lord. Remove the desire to take pills as a way to feel good Father. Remove the natural reaction to be hateful and angry and unjustified. Take away the need to be around people who don't know You but give me the strength to stand strong in their presence. Break my addiction to cigarettes which rot my body. Show me the way Father. Overcome my greed for material things and my worldly mind-set toward money Lord. Dig out the unforgiveness that resides in the deepest parts of my heart Lord ~ the places only You know but that lead my behaviors in a way that is not of You. Force all lies away from my lips Lord. Help me turn my thoughts to You always and fill my mind and heart with Your ways. Drag my will into line with your own. Bring me to my knees to help me Rise to You! Make me willing ~ I beg of You! You will never forsake me nor leave me, but Lord go deeper than that. Make me like You, please Father! It is time. I am ready and I AM WILLING, God willing!

...I see that you are willing Alicia. Leave these burdens here and walk with Me. We have much work to do, but Your choice pleases Me greatly and I will be here to carry you through so that you can stand strong in Me. It surely is time and I am willing and I will show you the way. Let it be well, My spirit is upon you and we will part no longer. My ways are your ways and we will work this out for your good because I love you and created you for this very moment. I have waited eagerly for this moment and am so very delighted that the time has come and your choice is Me. It will go well for you. You have My Word child. My love is upon you.

I apologize to those of you who may have had trouble following this post. And for the lack of any pictures or fluff. All that I can say is that the Lord just touched every last crevice of my soul. This moment has been long in the making and it is glorious and makes breathing a bit difficult, to see His greatness, glory and mercy! I can't put many more words to it because I just experienced it myself as I typed these words and felt in my heart what I was saying. But I can say that I know things will be different from now on ~ God is making sure of that. I also know you will all see the results first hand. My faith and path are set and it is well with my soul. Be well.

By the way, while figuring out what music to play with this post, God showed me the lyrics to the first song, and I just have to share them with you. It's "Falling Slowly" by Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova, and it's perfect.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Thank you Father. Thank you.

Then He directed me to an article that just tied together all that He's been saying lately, which you can read here. The theme of it was this:

If we want to mount up with wings like eagles and feel what it is to spiritually fly with joy and peace and strength from God, we must cease striving in our own strength, cast our cares upon God, and hopefully and expectantly wait upon Him. He will keep His Word, and our strength will be renewed.

Yes! Thank you Lord. Your work in me can be seen and How I Love Your Ways! Amen!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I Will Wait

For the past several days, well actually weeks, this song has been popping into my head here and there. And I say that like it is random, but we know it's not random at all ~ it is my Father speaking to me. And this isn't the only way He's spoken to me recently. We have been having an ongoing conversation for days now. I ask, He answers. He speaks, I listen. And we are both delighted to be so intertwined in one another that our voices have become completely audible to each other.

To walk with Him in this way is like nothing I've ever experienced. I have cried out to Him, whispered His name, spoken through my heart, and turned to His ways rather than my own ~ and He has been right there the whole time! His presence is undeniable, His voice a sound I will know for all of my days, and His love ~ as I've said before, there really just aren't words for the ways He loves us. It is all encompassing and overwhelming all the while bringing the greatest sense of peace a person could ever desire. To know Him, truly know Him, and be known by He who created me ~ this is what He had in mind when He spoke and man was. The day He breathed life and love into Adam ~ He knew then that I would exist and that we would share this relationship and love for one another. While we may not walk in Eden, we walk together and that is all that matters. I would walk to the ends of the Universe to experience the amazing love He holds for each of us.

Just to know that His love never changes, never fails, never sways ~ no matter what my sins, and they are many, daily. But that is what this walk is all about ~ learning from one another and growing in love so that my heart is changed and pure and full of Him, and not the ways of this world. But I am also called to pour this love that He constantly gives out into this world and all over the lost and unlovely. His love is meant to change and transform my heart, and then the hearts of those around me. It is not to be held onto and kept to myself. It is when I get too wrapped up in myself that I lose my way. I don't ever want to go back to walking in darkness, separated from Him. He is my food and my strength and my existence. I have learned to truly wait on Him, as He says in Isaiah 40:31, which He showed me last night, and this goes in true conjunction with this song He's been playing in my heart. Just one of the many ways He has spoken to me. Pure loveliness!

He's also been showing me how to let go. Of all of it. That it is ALL His ~ the worry, the fear, the sadness, the money, the belongings, the relationships, the beauty ~ it is all through and of Him. He created the very ground that we walk on and all who walk here, and therefore it is ALL of Him. Man likes to think we created democracy, cars, science, flip flops and much more. But if God created us ~ He's already planted those ideas in our minds before we were even conceived here on earth. It is ALL of Him. He has given these things for His children to enjoy their time on Earth, not to do evil or create evil out of His goodness. Money is not the root of all evil ~ it is our perception of money being our own that is the root of all evil. Learn to give it back to Him and respect that it is His ~ and He will bless you more and more. Let it go.

You're struggling in a relationship? Go to God with it rather than placing expectations on that person for what you need. God is the only one who can truly complete and fulfill us. We set each other up for failure when we place our happiness in other people's hands. But give it to God, and He will either give you what you need directly, or He'll put it in someone else's heart to provide. His ways are not our ways, and His means are beyond our comprehension. Why limit Him to meeting our needs through one person? Let it go and trust Him.

Have a tough decision to make? Don't heap that responsibility on yourself, because His arms are wide open, waiting for you to give the choices to Him and let Him lead you. If He has brought you to it, He will bring you through it. He loves you that much ~ no worries are worth losing touch with Him. And if someone else offered today to take care of that issue for you, wouldn't you gladly relinquish control? He's asking! He's waiting! He wants it ALL!!!!

But here's the key to letting go of it ALL ~ Trust. It is trusting that He is for us and will be there to take it all, and use it for our good. Complete, unwavering, absolute TRUST in your Father who gave you life. If we will give it to Him and wait upon His ways ~ NOT OUR OWN ~ He will strengthen us. Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. Waiting involves letting go and having the complete faith that HE is right there ~ already carrying your load, which you are to bear no longer because it is in His hands now. And we are called to do this with every inch and ounce of our beings. He doesn't want bits and pieces, here and there, when we find the time! He wants it ALL, all of us, all of the time, forever!

My very favorite quote from my very favorite movie, the Notebook, is this, "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day." All of you women reading this, who have seen this movie, you know what this scene does to your heart. For those of you who haven't seen it ~ we can no longer be friends! Just kidding, but really ~ go rent it! Please!

But seriously, I just realized why this scene resonates with my soul the way it does, every time. It's because this is what God has been saying to me for a very long time. He wants all of me, forever, me and Him, every moment of every day. And it's not going to be easy ~ the steps taken away from this world will hurt and it will be difficult to let go of that which I know and is comfortable. And we will have to work at it every day, but He is willing to do that for me, because He loves me. And it will be beautiful for all to see!

So am I willing, to let it go? Give it all to Him? Trust? Wait? Yes, yes I am. And I hope you are willing also because I can tell you that it will all be ok if you do. He promises and He is waiting on us, when it should be the other way around ~ learn to wait on Him and all that encompasses. It is worth it!

I want to leave you with His words which He is bringing to fruition in my life! Love you all so very much!

But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
~ Isaiah 40:31

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Simple but Fantastic!

Do you have those moments/days/weeks where it all just comes together and you think, "why can't it always be like this?" After a difficult week last week, this one is surely redeeming itself nicely. And no, we haven't been on vacation, or off doing crazy awesome things. No, this week has consisted of simple but fantastic. My favorite combination!

It consisted of helping my children sell lemonade out front, and watching people's faces as my two explained that they were raising money for a group from our church who was going to Haiti with shoes. I love the hearts of those two, and how their hearts remind others to care.

Being blessed with a lifting and "Wow, that one hit home and I cried the entire time" Church service on Sunday followed by time with family, sharing a meal and cuddling up to watch a movie together.

Sitting in the back yard with the tiki torches lit, looking at the stars and wondering aloud which name God has given each one.

Even getting a call at 4 in the morning to come pick up my daughter from a sleepover ~ only lovely because she reminded me that I told her to call her if she ever needed anything ~ and she needed me.

Reading scripture with my husband and discussing matters of our heart. Something we've never really done but that I want to do all the time, now that we have. Want a strong marriage? Read the Bible together and talk about it. Simple, but life-changing!

Spending more time with God than ever before, left wanting more and more, and knowing He is for me!!!

And it's only Wednesday! What simple but fantastic thing has blessed your week so far? I hope there are many! xoxoxo

Monday, August 2, 2010

Adoration Through Strife

The past week held much trial and strife ~ swirling all around. And as hard as I tried to keep it only around, and not in, it seeped its way into my heart and corroded that which is dearest to me ~ my relationship with my husband and children. I tried...really turn to Him and not the ways of this world. I looked to God for understanding and to guide my footsteps because I was lost in a haze of attack, struggling to loose the enemy's hold while also remembering God's promises to finish the good works He has started in me and to work out ALL for my good. These were my lifelines, and I truly did turn to Him with it all. Whereas before I would have leaned much on my own ways and hastily reacted in a less than savory way when attacked in the many ways I was ~ I did look to Him instead. And His work in me is true and good because I didn't completely lose it and fly off the handle at these hurtful verbal attacks from those I care about dearly.

But I did let my frustration and pain be heaped onto my family, and they felt the blows all weekend. I resisted my daughter's plea to forgive and apologize ~ because I am stubborn and human. She is seven and spoke with the wisdom of our Father, yet I couldn't heed her ways that ultimately would heal but would also cost me pride. And she witnessed my resistance to choosing His ways, and we both know it. Hmmm...that one hurts.

I also unleashed the fury of my mouth onto my husband several times because I am angry and want to be justified in that anger. All the while my heart was screaming "Noooo, that's not the truth you stand in. That is the devil!!!!" I chose the need to be right over...well...over it all. Over my walk with Christ, over His ways, over my husband and children. Yeah, it's been a tough couple of days for us.

But last night God held me as I cried and begged Him to be there, to change me, to change my heart and to take these burdens from me. To wash my heart clean from the impurity's I had allowed in. Because those impurities will spread like cancer and cause much decay in our lives, if we allow them to. I begged for His forgiveness. For His forgiveness to enter my heart and help me find forgiveness for those who have hurt me. But more importantly, that my husband and children find forgiveness for me. I understand that God is allowing these tests in my life because He is hard at work building character within. And I feel that overall I have passed this test ~ not with flying colors by any means, but my turning to Him speaks volumes of our walk together. I still have much work to do, but in all of this I find progress and steps closer to His ways. So for that I am grateful and trust His ways, perfect and good. Continue to work this out in me Lord. Help me beg my husband and children for forgiveness that speaks of what you're doing in my life ~ in a way that shows them you're in there and while I stumble ~ You are carrying me. Help them to see you Father in all that I do. I beg that your ways wash away my ways.

If you will turn (repent) and give heed to my reproof, behold, I [Wisdom] will pour out my spirit upon you, I will make my words known to you.
— Proverbs 1:23

I am standing strong today in the message I heard last night ~ that Jesus IS TRUTH! It's still marinating, as are the words of the wise women and men who have spoken His truth into my life over the past week, helping me to remain strong and walk with our Lord, or actually to loosen my grip on this life and let Him carry me. I adore you Lord for giving me truth and love and your ways to be emulated. May I walk even closer to you today than I did yesterday. In Jesus' name ~ Amen!!!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Need I Say More???

Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..

Some folks just have one,
Others they got none, aw huh,..

Stay with me,..
Let’s just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.

Stay with me,..
You’re all I see.

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.

I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.

Nothing you would take,..
everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.

Sing this one to the One Who Created You. Everything you gave, nothing you would take. Mmmmmm. Yeah. This one's Pearl Jam by the way!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


Our thoughts have such power and determine so much in our lives, in the lives of others, and in the world. Our mind is a container for true power over our lives. And when I say power, I mean power to direct our lives to God. If we are able and courageous enough to learn to control our thoughts, we are capable of truly giving our lives to God. Idle thoughts are the devil's playground and bear no fruit in our lives. Thinking the same negative thought 50,000 times does nothing but waste our time and energy. God says to go quickly to those you have offended and ask forgiveness ~ that is because He doesn't want us wasting our time mulling over the offense. What's done is done, but how you react is what gives power to a situation. If you go immediately in forgiveness, it is released from your mind and has no power to create negative thinking.

Ok, let's put it this way, we can only have one thought at any given moment. One! And within you is the ability to control each and every one of those thoughts. God is masterful in His creation, and has equipped us with an innate ability to train our minds to think of that which we desire. Stop yourself right now ~ what are you thinking? Really thinking? Are you even aware most of the time of your thoughts? Or do they run free with wild abandon, having their way with your emotions and heart? Because we can read His ways, and know His ways, but without control over our minds and thoughts, none of that matters. If I'm still thinking angrily about something that happened a week ago ~ what good is the scripture I memorized but am paying no heed to? If I hold unforgiveness in my heart and allow that presence in my mind ~ the devil wins. If I run the same thought over and over throughout my being, that thought has power over my soul and over what comes out of my mouth. If those thoughts are negative and of this world, they do no good for anyone or anything and tend to write themselves on our heart. But if we can think on those things that are lovely and of our Father, those will also write themselves on our hearts and have power over my soul and what comes out of my mouth. Hmmm...I'll take the second choice for a thousand Alex!

If we can learn to first, become aware of our thoughts, and second, to train them to go toward Him, we will learn the way HE desires for us to live. This is no easy feat ~ I will not lie here. But it is possible. It is possible to control our minds and lead them to Him. I think this is the way to bring balance between the inside and the outside.

Wow. Ok Father, I'm aware. I'm ready to take this next step and learn to truly be aware of my thoughts and continue to fill them with your ways. In prayer you teach me how to direct my thoughts to you. I must spend more time praying and and going within, to where you reside. May I pray without ceasing Lord, that my thoughts remain constantly with You and Your ways and Your hope and Your love. Without ceasing Lord.

“As he thinks in his heart, so is he”(Proverbs 23:7 NKJV).

“Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts” (Proverbs 4:23 (GNT))

The more I accept God’s control over my life, the more self-control he gives me!

'Be Still and Know that I AM GOD' -Psalm 46:19

“Call to me and I will answer you. I’ll tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own” (Jeremiah 33:3 MSG)

Mmmmmm ~ here's a great one:
“But offer yourselves to the ways of God and the freedom never quits. All your lives you’ve let sin tell you what to do. But thank God you’ve started listening to a new master, one whose commands set you free to live openly in his freedom!” (Romans 6:16-18 MSG).

As always, I am so filled by your ways Lord. That I have been praying and crying out for you to show me the way closer to you, and you bring it together in this way ~ holding my hand and putting the pieces exactly where they need to be. To know that 5 years ago, before I even believed in You, you were equipping me with the knowledge I would need today, in order to walk closer to you. Wow Father. Wow ~ you are awesome and amazing & my thoughts and heart live with You. May they constantly return to you until there is no separation to be had. I love you Father and I am so grateful that you've chosen me as one of your children. I hold your hand and I marvel at your grace and power and goodness. Thank you Lord, thank you.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


The main character of the movie "Office Space" says at one point ~ "Every day get's a little bit worse, so basically every day that you see me, that's the worst day of my life." Well I rebuke that, shake it up, and turn it around to say that every day I walk a little closer to God, and therefore, today is always the best day of my life! Yeeeaaaaahhhhh! That is so awesome! Wow, what a way to look at this thing called life and more importantly, our walk with our Father. Every step I take toward Him is one more step away from the ways of our past and the ways of this world. To wake up every day, knowing it is the best day of my life. And no matter what the day may bring, it remains the best day of my life thus far because I know my Father better today then I did yesterday. And each step I take is easier than the last. He truly directs my footsteps. The more I listen, the louder He speaks and the more I see His hand at work in my life and the lives around me.

The way He designed this whole thing absolutely blows my mind. I don't believe that we are capable of completely or truly grasping His ways, as intricate and interwoven as they are. And that used to frustrate me. I needed to know. I had to understand why? I had to question it all. But the fuller I become with His love, the less I question and the more I see that I don't need to know...and what I do need to know, He'll show me, in His timing, in His gentle way. This eradicates fear. Fear of the unknown. Because what I don't know won't kill me, as I am saved by the one I do know! His love trumps all.

And I was told something last night by dear friends, that hit home and reminded me to see what He sees ~ He thinks I'm perfect just as I am and His love for me does not change depending on what I do. Anyone here on Earth do that for you? I don't know of anyone, but if you do, please give them my name, cause I'd like to meet them! Just let that gravitate for a minute - He loves me no matter what, and already sees perfection in me. If only we were all to see ourselves and each other with those eyes and heart.

I am ready to take His ways further and deeper. I know I keep saying this, but please understand that every day, while I am taking steps forward, I also tend to stumble back quite a few. But ultimately, my motion is forward, and that is what matters. Actually, I could stand still for the rest of my life, and He would love me. So what truly matters for this life is that I learn to accept, return, and grow in that love. I have no desire to stand still with my time here on Earth, which you can probably tell from this post, cause I'm all over the place! Sorry, but this is what happens. He overwhelms and I can't type fast enough to completely explain every bit of it.

I just know that it's becomming a masterpiece of His, this canvas I have become, wanting Him to paint His ways all over it. I just resisted typing that I am a blank canvas because I feel I am not blank, but rather too drawn on by this world. So maybe it's better to picture my Father with an eraser in one hand, cleaning up the ugliness, while in the other hand is a paintbrush dripping with the most magnificent colors the mind can imagine, and He is artfully swiping it all over my heart. Hmmmm, there's some imagery for you visual thinkers. Wow, I just love it when you do this God. When you just have your way and it flows out of me as though I am a faucet pouring water. You bring such joy to my heart. And peace. Beautiful peace. You are my everything and I thank you for your presence in this heart that was once so broken and chipped and bruised and damaged. Now there is such light, such light...such light and glory. Your glory. May it dwell here forever. Amen.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I'll Get There

I went home last night and did the complete opposite of what I've been writing about recently. Driving home, I noticed how dirty my car had gotten, and upon arriving home, I noticed how lacking my home is and that what I do have needed straightening and cleaning. This sent me into a tail-spin of a foul mood ~ the mood that used to prevail most days, 3 years ago. But that's not me any more. And I knew it was wrong and so completely out of balance, even as I yelled at my children and husband. As the ugliness ejected from my mouth, in my head I was praying, "God please change my heart. Right now Lord, please stop me." Yet, on I went for hours. Hours people, the whole time hating myself and knowing how wrong I was, yet still trying to justify my diarrhea of the mouth (sorry for the graphic description, but truth!). My precious children felt badly enough to take it upon themselves to go out and clean my entire car while I continued my tirade in the basement, alone.

How many times can you say sorry before it loses it's effectiveness? Because I've said this sorry way too many times, and I could see on their faces last night that they were thinking, "yeah, sorry this time, again...". And as children do, they will forgive. But as I looked, I could see in their faces that I haven't changed as much as I thought I have. Because I still have to say sorry, much too often, for similar rampages. While my heart says this is no longer the way, my mouth and mind have a mind of their own, and are out of balance with my heart. Again ~ a lack of balance between what is on the inside and what I actually do in this world. And I hurt them last night because of it. You may be saying it's just one little rampage, but all those little rampages have changed my children's hearts. I could see that last night. And my husband looks at me with confusion and disappointment. I can hear him thinking "I thought we were past this, and I want to believe you are different, but here we are again."

So I went to my room. Tail between my legs, knowing how wrong I was and questioning God, saying, "See Lord, this is what I am talking about. I need balance! I need the inside to be seen! I need to go deeper in You and get over myself and make this choice to walk with you Full FORCE! No more lukewarm, when I feel like it or when I have time. Change my heart Father! Help me see the blessings that surround me rather than all that I don't have!" Here I must mention that earlier in the evening, in my mad haze of cleaning, I found a book that I have never seen before. I noted the oddity that it was in my living room, and moved on. Remember ~ mad haze! When I went to my room, I intended to watch a movie and zone out for a while before bed. Well, God had different plans, because my DVD player refused to work. So I said, ok, I'll read. That was when I went and picked up the book I had found earlier, still no idea where it had come from.

All I can say is, thank you Father! Your timing is impeccable and the way you know my heart is seen in your ways. Thank you for your grace and for showing me that the discomfort I've been feeling inside is actually You, prodding me further along in our walk. You do have much bigger plans for me and mine, but first we have to work out the kinks, and last night was one of those kinks. But you are providing the tools and people needed to truly change my ways in order to walk closer to you. You will bring me to the place where sorry's are farther and fewer between. Do your thing Lord! Amen!

And then this morning, I was reminded of how extremely blessed I am. A friend wrote this, and I thanked God. Being upset last night because my house is less than I desire now seems absurd and I realize how askew my focus is. I love how you do that Lord ~ so gently, but so impacting! In the past 15 hours, you have shown me:

~ that I am truly blessed...truly
~ my walk with you IS deepening
~ I have all that's needed to go deeper, but I must follow your lead
~ I must align my head and mouth with my heart and You
~ You are with me...always!

So, in recognition of Your awesome ways, today is a great day to re-cognize my blessings. Let's realize the Ways He Whispers "I Love You!" and add to the list.

Je suis reconnaissant:

58. While I complain about my job, it provides much for those I love.

59. Forgiveness given freely.

60. My vegetable garden, teaching me how to grow.

61. Honesty ~ not always easy, but always worth it.

62. Patrick's desire to grow an orange tree.

63. Quicker & quicker recognition of stumbles.

64. Watching bubbles float by on a lazy wind.

65. Mckenzie's missing teeth, reminding me that she will grow but I can always hold her heart in mine.

66. The touch of a kind word.

67. Laughter that touches the soul.

68. A clean car.

69. New perspectives.

70. Authors who have the courage to put it out there for all to be affected.

71. Clarity creating clarity.

72. A narrow path.

73. Choices made that get me back on the narrow path.

74. Realizing that everything involves a choice.

75. The desire to be better.

76. Love given.

77. Knowing I'm loved.

I got this fantastic idea of counting our blessings as a way to praise Him from an incredible woman, named Ann Voskamp. If you are interested in reading more about this, and joining her Gratitude Community, see here. As she says, once you start it's very hard to stop! Blessings and love to all!