Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Getting Clearer..Sort Of

So, reviewing the past year yesterday has left me feeling very blessed. Really amazed to be honest. Like, Wow GOD! You ROCK! Never in my life would I have thought one year ago that I would be where I am today. It's miraculous if you ask me. And such evident proof of our Living and Holy Father Above. I remember singing the song Amazing Grace over and over, more than a year ago, and praying with all of my heart that You would please haste the day that my faith would be set. And here I am today, my faith having grown into a way of life. That talking to you all day long is now just what I do. That my immediate reaction to most questions is "What do you think Lord?" or I need to pray about this. That righteousness is no longer something I scoff at, but now seek. That I no longer feel as though I am shrouded in darkness and unable to participate in life. That I have seen His hand ALL OVER MY LIFE ~ knowing now that He's always been there, even when I refused to recognize Him.

In looking back, I can't help but also think of all the times that I worried...and all the times He provided. Not once did my worry change an ounce of what was occurring, except to detract my attention from Him. Worry is a natural instinct for me ~ as is constantly feeling and seeing lack. I've tossed this around before by writing about it, and I don't wish to dwell. But I feel as though to think of only the good might diminish the bad that I've overcome. And as I type this I realize this entire paragraph is bologne! There's still bad. But that's ok. I am a life in progress. And at the very least I can take solace in knowing that this life is one that is being examined. That while I may not be happy with all that I am currently ~ "I" am a fluid concept of late, and I would so prefer this to my stagnant ways of the past. I truly lived Einstein's definition of insanity for wayyyy too long, and I have no desire to go back.

Looking at what I just wrote I am actually very pleased. All in the matter of two paragraphs I was able to love how far I've come while also embracing where I've been, where I am today, and while being honest that it's not all roses! That's a beautiful thing my dears! And some of you may be reading this and wondering what the heck I'm talking about. But I know there are a few of you who get it. You get that I am coming to terms with my life. Realizing the blessings that abound and making peace with a past that is sordid to say the least. Seeing life with new eyes and still adjusting the lens because it feels oh so right and oh so wrong all at once. My steps are becoming steadier, my footing surer. Grounding myself in God is the only way I know that my path is straight. And this thinking and writing is all a result of a desire to straighten my path even further. To not waste one more second with a life unlived. So forgive my rambling and my grasping and my stumbling. It's just how I figure out how to walk forward in a way that won't leave me looking back.

There are 365 days spread out before me that each deserve the attention that I've so lavishly given to my past, because that's where I've always lived. So what to do with these days ahead. Who will I become within another year? Where will I go? Who will I meet? How much deeper will my heart grow? And what must I do to ensure that I become even more of who I am? That I go where He leads me? That I meet those I am meant to meet? That I come to know the way this heart was created to beat?

One of my favorite bloggers names her years and I LOVE the idea. You can read her post here. I've been trying for months to think of what I will name 2011. What will this year blossom into? What will it create in me? How will it grow me? Time is so very precious and I don't wish to waste any of it. I love her idea of living in the present and being aware of each moment. But I can't steal it. And I don't want to steal it. I am so tired of looking at Facebook and other blogs and thinking "I wish I had that" or "I wish I were skinny like her", or even "I wish God would give me the ideas she has". I am enough. My Father provides and He is more than enough. He made me to be me ~ and there's only one like me. So I need to embrace me even further, knowing it's the right thing to love myself and who God is making me to be. Because out of that love that I've already learned to receive from Him ~ if I can get to a point of truly loving myself ~ well I say look out world. There will be no stopping this girl who loves to love, but as of now has only timidly reached beyond herself to love others, constantly second guessing the way I am living this life. There's no more room for that here. The old is gone, the new has come, and it's bright on the inside ~ now we need to show it to the outside.

Alicia ~ you are so very lovable and we got this girl! Proclaim the beauty that is within. Proclaim God within you. Let Him shine forth into the darkness. Trust. Love. Be. Be truth. Be His truth. Be. Just as you are meant to ~ BE. I need not do anything. It is not through our own striving that we reach further depths in Christ. It is simply being present in each moment, being true to who you've been created to be, being you. There's only one you.

Holy deepness batman! I need a break after that dooozy! Sorry if I'm leaving you more confused than when you started reading. Amazingly enough ~ I think I understand better what it is I am to do, maybe. Let me give it some time to marinate and I'll let you know. Love ya's!


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