Wednesday, June 30, 2010


I've been thinking recently that I need to write more about my experiences with my family and life in general. As a way to capture as much of this life as I can. But then I think maybe I'm not doing it right, living I mean, and that's why I don't write more about it. Like I don't go deep enough with my children, or take enough pictures, or create enough memories that will last us a lifetime. For a while there I was becomming consumed with wanting other people's lives, and harping on myself for what I didn't have and wasn't doing. I realized that was a result of being on Facebook too often and reading other people's blogs, so I've cut that way down, and it's helping.

But I still really feel that I am lacking in the area of depth and connection and magic. I have to have my home neat and clean ~ the way I want it, but that's not lived in and real, and it restricts true life from happening. I constantly where I don't know, but I must hurry to get there instead of taking the time to just live and watch others live and explore. I am so constantly consumed with what is next that I miss so much of now. I've never thrown glitter in the air just to watch it fall, but I think that sounds magical. I want to light sparklers on a Tuesday night just for the sheer joy of watching my children's delight. I want to help them create...create anything just because they can. I want to lollygag and putter and explore the deliciousness that is everywhere, in everything. I want to not be consumed and tired from work so that I can enjoy the precious time I do have with those I love. I want to live, for the sake of living, because it's there for the taking ~ a life truly lived. There are an infinite amount of ways to enjoy life and create memories that will remain. God blesses us so abundantly, yet every day we walk right on by so many opportunities to see and know how truly blessed we are. It's about taking time, slowing down to actually smell the flowers that bloom all around us, to talk to your child and know their soul, to lay outside at night and look at the stars, to truly know the one who created every bit of all this beauty and help others see that beauty.

So today when I leave work, I will be going to the store and stocking up on sparklers, water balloons, and glitter....hmmmm sounds like a memory or two in the making. Wish me luck and be sure to check back so you can see life, in all it's messiness and glory and goodness...magic!

Monday, June 28, 2010

My Heart

She's got a way about her. I don't know what it is. But I know that I can't live without her. Her ways are so intricately subtle at times I don't even recognize them for the magic they are. Her sense of humor is delicious, as is her laugh that reminds me to laugh. Wisdom far beyond me that flows from a pureness which I so desire to soak up and learn from. Watching her sleep quiets my heart and brings peace, as her leg drapes over mine ~ every time! She posesses a strength of character that causes me to wonder why it took me so long to figure it out for myself. She knows her mind and speaks her piece ~ something to be admired. She is growing and learning about life and I so pray for the wisdom to help her grow on her path that is intended and laid out before her. How I wish to help her navigate the ways of this world so that she can avoid some of the darker paths that I walked myself. My heart stops to think of her hurting, but then God gently revives it and reminds me that because she so sweetly believes in Him, she will absolutely struggle, but will always be carried by Him, and I rest easy. She is my reflection, but already so much more and it is my pure joy to watch her life unravel into the beauty He has put there and created. What a treasure to be a part of her story and her heart. May sunshine fall around her in this life always.

I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart
I am never without it
Anywhere I go, you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me
is your doing, my darling
I fear no fate
for you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world
for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart

EE Cummings

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Catcher of Man

I want to follow you so closely Lord that I become a catcher of men. I want you to teach me so deeply, so irrevocably, that my soul be forever changed and become a light to draw others near to you. You physically walked this Earth many years ago ~ you've been here and known the sorrow that abounds. You interacted with all, you taught and you felt and you lived among those who sin, yet you did not sin ~ you loved. You chose the better path, the better way. You always looked up and within, to where the wellspring of all life flows. You chose your Father...every time you chose Him. You resisted all external temptation and knew your place within His Kingdom, knew your reason for existing and you stood strong in that, being a catcher of men.

Lord, work that out in me. Continue to clean my heart that I might not be held back by hurts from many moons ago, that I might be clean and free to look at, and those standing in front of me. Clean my stained glass window Lord, that I might see people and events from your perspective instead of through tainted filters from years of hurt. Complete the awesome work that you've begun in me Lord, for no other reason than I wish others to see you through this life. Without that, I will not truly live and give life. Let it begin at home Lord, that my children and husband be encouraged and changed because of what you're doing in my heart. Let them see the truth of your ways through my existence. That it direct them to you Lord, for you to clean and grow them in the awesome way you do! Let every breath I take be a reminder of the life you've given me to live, to be a blessing, and to be love. I walk this earth because you chose me ~ you knew me before I was in this world, and you have a plan for my life. Give me the strength Lord...the strength to walk in the ways you desire and have planned for my life ~ that you've been waiting for me to recognize and desire for myself. I desire your ways Father. Actually, I desire nothing more at this very moment than to please you and be the amazing woman you've intended all along. I've spent 31 years doing it my way Father and I am ready to be done with that. I am ready to truly and completely surrender my life to you Lord.

Please Father ~ I sit with tears streaming down my cheeks that I know you are catching and wiping away. I know you've been waiting for this moment. Take this life Lord and transform it to reflect you. You are already within me, now I want others to see you on the outside ~ that you be reflected in every pore of my being, inside and out. Overcome my ways Lord, for they are no good. Take away the temptations Lord, remove the sinful ways that I've lived in for so long. Cleanse me and make me truly new in you. I feel you as I type this and I am overwhelmed by your goodness, that you still love me, after 31 years of waiting for this moment. I completely surrender to you and ask for you to pour into me all that I need to live selflessly and become like you...the true catcher of men. AMEN & HALLELUJAH Father ~ Thank You!

Luke 5:8-11
When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus' knees and said, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon's partners.

Then Jesus said to Simon, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will catch men." So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I Stand Strong In Him

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power" ~ Ephesians 6:10.

Do I stand strong in my Lord? Do I turn to Him with all choices and decisions to be made? Do I rely solely on Him for that which my soul craves most? Do I display constantly that which He has put within me? Do I even honor Him at all times and please Him with my ways? Do I not gossip about His children? Do I praise Him when I win? And when I lose? Do I know it's not about winning or losing ~ it's about love?

Do I feel constant guilt because I know these answers are NO? Yes, yes I do, but that doesn't change the way I behave or decide or think. I am truly a creature of habit ~ even though I am a new creature in Christ, I am still a creature of habit, and habits can be difficult to break ~ even when you're aware of their destruction on your life! And the most frustrating part is that I know what I know!!!! I know what I need to be doing...I know that I am NOT doing what I need to be doing! I know that for the past 3 years I've known what I know, and while yes, I have taken HUGE steps to walk closer with the Lord, my steps go in the wrong direction at times, and my walk slows to a crawl. And that is when I feel despondent, like I'm treading water...just getting by. Like - mmmm, it's right there, and I know what I'm missing right now, but I'm just going to be lazy and make excuses because that's easier. But is it? Is it really easier to do it on our own, with our own means, our own ways, our own habits? No, it is not! It may be harder in the beginning, to train ourselves to turn to Him with all of it and take time daily with our Creator ~ bascially to re-train ourselves. But I know once we learn to do this ~ it becomes the most natural thing in the world. It becomes easy to enter into His presence, because that is just the most yummy place ever! And you look forward to your time with Him, desiring more and more, until life becomes a constant conversation with the one who gave life.

Wait, so what is my problem? Am I complaining about doing the work? About setting apart a time daily to spend with Him and give Him my thoughts, my life, my everything? So that He can love all over me? Really? I thought I had gotten past this hump where I am lazy and not turning to Him. But let's be honest ~ I sleep that extra hour instead of meeting with Him. I blurt things out of my mouth without thinking or applying love. I gossip. I worry. I lie. I make it all about me. I don't reach out to those who are hurting. I am not fulfilling His purpose for me. I am not walking as closely to Him as I should be. I am not turning to Him.

Hmmm, apparently I am STILL stuck at the place of re-training myself. How many times do I have to come back to this place of complacency to know that this is NOT where He desires me to be, but that I must keep returning to in order to realize it's a place I don't want to be any more and make the permanent changes? Which means getting up that hour earlier to meet with Him, watching what comes out of my mouth, turning my thoughts constantly to Him, and digging deeper. It's really not that complicated, and I know once I stand strong in Him, God will just help me along and make it so wonderful that I can't think of living any other way! If you go on further in the book of Ephesians, from where I started this post, you'll see we already have everything right in front of us that is needed ~ ever! He's given us the tools and the armor. Now I must choose to pick up that shield...strap on the breastplate...weild that sword...and stand in righteousness.

God you're so funny and fantastic like that ~ was that a light bulb moment for you where you're sitting there watching me wrestle with this, over and over, until wow, I finally get it ~ it clicks? And now you're sitting back with a huge smile on your face, saying, "whew, thank goodness we don't have to go back there any more!" I so love your ways and how you let us get to these points in order to make it true and lasting. You already know me better than myself and what I will choose and when I will turn away from you. Yet you're always there, waiting, loving, and protecting. So beautiful. Thank you Lord!

Monday, June 21, 2010

My Simple Man

All that I wish for my Little Man is that he find his heart and be satisfied in this life God has given him. He has such a breathtaking goodness and a soul that can be seen in his eyes, he rubs my face because he needs to touch and feel ~ it's truly pure loveliness to be loved by him. All that I want for him is that he simply love God and listen to the whispering God does in his heart! I keep listening over and over to the song "Simple Man", by Lynyrd Skynyrd ~ a song I've listened to thousands of times, but it's never hit like this. The truly simple lyrics and thoughts within could absolutely change the life of a young man who needs to hear just these words! So here are the lyrics ~ pass them on to a young man in your life who could use the wisdom. And actually, they apply to us all ~ be simple and love life! Be something YOU love & understand!

Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say
And if you do this it'll help you some sunny day

Oh, take your time don't live too fast
Troubles will come and they will pass
Go find a woman you'll find love
And don't forget son there is someone up above

And be a simple kind of man
Be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me son if you can?

Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need is in your soul
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want for you my son is to be satisfied

And be a simple kind of man
Be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me son if you can? Oh yes, I will

Boy, don't you worry you'll find yourself
Follow your heart and nothing else
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want for you my son is to be satisfied

And be a simple kind of man
Be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me son if you can?

Baby be a simple, be a simple man
Be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Dear God ~ I Heart You

So this is how I first started this post:

"Hi there ~ sorry for the long, drawn-out pause between posts. But to be honest, I've been a bit despondent of late, and feeling blah and not so inspired to write."

As I typed the last word God said uh uh ~ no no! I received an e-mail at that moment and opened it, and saw my Savior. A picture so vivid was drawn that I could feel His presence, sense His love for me ~ overflowing, in abundance, to the full. You're so funny Yeshua, how you work in these ways. The entire hour of my commute this morning was consumed with trying to "pep up", trying to re-connect to my heart and my Father. I listened to the music, I thought the thoughts, I inspected my heart... but yet I couldn't convince myself that He was there. Even though my mind knew differently ~ I know what I know what I know! And I knew He was there ~ I just couldn't feel Him. I blamed this despondency on my lack of turning to Him over the past two weeks or so. I talk to Him, but I haven't been doing the digging. I haven't been immersing myself in His Word or His ways. I haven't gone to church. I've been lax in my relationship with the most important being in my life ~ the very creator of my life. Don't misunderstand me ~ my faith is still as set as it was the day it became set, but I think I got comfortable in that. I knew God is here, and really, did I need to read the Bible today? He knows my heart anyway, whether I tell Him or not, right? I can slip by, not do the work, but know that I am saved and it's ok.

That's NOT the point (insert stern voice here!)! Yes, He knows all ~ BUT, and it's a big old BUT, He desires constant relationship with us. He wants ALL of it ~ He wants ALL of us ~ and He wants us to bring it to Him, every moment of every day. And He wants us to know His word, that we might abide by it and walk in the ways He has so gracefully laid before us. It can't be one-sided, where we just live comfortably in the knowledge that "hey, we're good ~ God's got our backs", but don't actively pursue a relationship with Him. I mean, I guess many can and do survive this way. But I am in this to dig as deeply as possible into His depths and His love. I don't want to be complacent or comfortable! I don't want to merely survive! Yeshua came that I might have life and have it to the full! Not so I can barely eek out an existence, "make it through" each day. HELL NO! That is stuff of the devil & his ways! That is not God's purpose for me! He wants me to have joy and peace and love, eternal yes ~ but also here and now! If I am simply moving through the days, blah, blah, blah ~ who am I reaching for my Father? Who is seeing my light and being drawn to it? Who is walking by me that truly needs Christ, but I am busy being blah? Blah is no way to exist, and it's definitely not the way God really wants it.

I have realized over the past several weeks that my heart is so much cleaner than it's ever been, and I am seeing people and events and situations from such a different perspective. I am seeing people through the eyes of love, and my anger and injustice and judgment at this world is quickly disappearing ~ that's awesome progress baby! And I need to look at how far I've come, not always at where I haven't yet reached. I am changed and my love is true ~ it's not perfect or constant (especially in moments of blah!), but it is so much truer than it's ever been. So I'm celebrating that today! And I'm celebrating my recognition of blah in my life ~ you can't overcome or get rid of something until you acknowledge it's existence!

So, while I started this post as a complaint and a "just being honest" session ~ I can now see that's not what I'm called to do! I have a calling on my life ~ to be a light to all, to lift, to inspire, to show God to those who are lost. And me being blah doesn't accomplish any of that. And really, why wouldn't I want to read the Bible every day ~ it's so encouraging and guiding and pure and true. And praying ~ my favorite moments are when I am engulfed by the Holy Spirit and loved on like never before. So adios laziness ~ there's no more room here for you ~ kindly take your leave! And Blah ~ you can go with him! I've got a higher purpose here!

Ephesians 2:22 ~ And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.

MMMhhhh, thank you Father for the renewing of my mind and my heart. I love your ways so deeply, and even more so, I love the way you help bring me back to them, quicker and quicker every time! I choose life ~ and I choose you! I choose to walk in your ways and read your Words ~ infusing them into the deepest marrow within my body, that they might integrate themselves fully into every inch of my being. That they reside constantly on my tongue for those who need them even more than I do. I desperately desire to spend time just being, knowing you've given me these precious moments to simply exist in your love. I love knowing every second of every day is yours ~ and that you are mine, that your love is unending ~ like the ocean ~ I can see the beginnings of your love but not the end! YES, thank you Father...thank you! All in Yeshua's name ~ Amen!

Mmmm ~ go get lost in Ephesians for a while ~ I just did and it was pure loveliness! His ways...well, go find out for yourself! Loving all over you!