Thursday, April 29, 2010
I am taken a-back a bit to realize just how greatly our expectations affect what we have in this life. This is not a new concept, and has been interspersed through-out so much of what I've read along my way. But to really see it...that click moment...where it all makes sense and you say "Wow, I never even realized!" God is sooo good that way, bringing concepts and thoughts full circle for our viewing pleasure and growth. The way He ties things together in an instant blows me away, and I love it! I adore how there are all of these fragments floating around in my head, and I know they are all connected, but I don't have the brain power to make sense of it all, or the perspective to see it the way it is meant to be seen. Then my awesome Father will come along and tie a pretty bow around those pieces, as though the connection is a gift. Which actually it is. Being able to fully process through an idea and make sense of it in a way that resonates with your soul and writes itself on your heart for permanent change is such a fantastic gift that most of us don't even realize we are being given.
So He presented a jewel of a gift to me after writing my last post, a true gem fused with knowledge and perspective, centering around provision and expectations. My expectation of never having enough has left me lacking all of my life. Because I expect to be poor and not be able to pay my bills, that is exactly what I am reaping. Those expectations are going out into this universe before me and bringing to me those exact things. It is very similar to what is written in The Secret, but my secret is the Big Man in my corner, who has literally died in order to show me love! And His law says that we reap what we sow. Well our thoughts are full of energy and do in fact have the ability to sow. What we think in our hearts and our minds, we also send out into the world. What we think of others ~ they are affected by those thoughts, whether they know it or not. Our thoughts go out and attach themselves to the object of that thought and return to us, in one shape or another, but fullfilling our expectations.
Being aware of the crazy impact our thoughts and expectations have on our existence allows me to see the huge need to rectify my thoughts. A wise person once said, "You can only have one thought at any given time, make it a good one!" That speaks of the need to be in control of our minds and our thinking. If my thoughts have such amazing impacts, than I need to be more aware of them and be sure they are in line with the desires of my heart and my desires for this lifetime. I've heard people say, "Make your money work for you." Well, I am saying, make your mind work for you! Use it for good, to do good. We absolutely have the ability to control what we think of, it's just a matter of being aware of our thoughts ~ that's the first step. Don't randomly float through this life, taking what comes, thinking this is "normal." Rise up, choose better for your life by changing your thoughts. We are capable of anything. I am struggling financially, yes, but I am capable of changing my circumstances because I know my Father and I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! YES!!! And so can you. You think you can't...and you won't. But get to know my Father and He will show you that we reap what we sow, our thoughts have mighty power, and we are able to do anything through Him.
My heart is rising up. My thoughts are rising up. My words are rising up. My ways are rising up. Straight to Him.
Draw me to You Father, the way a flower is drawn to the sun, and only opens fully in it's presence. Lift my thoughts to you Lord, that they may be lovely and good and full of Your ways and Your words. I have released the negative expectations I am holding about your provisions and am open and free to receive your blessings Father. And I know that you are blessing me, every second of every day! Goodness is coming to me and mine with every breath I take! Thank you Father! In Yeshua's name I pray! Amen.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
“Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it.” ~Mark Twain
I struggle to trust. I resist believing that it will all be ok. I know what I know, yet I fear. I worry to the depths of my soul. Yet I know my Father, my Papa. I know my Savior, my Yeshua. I know my awesome Holy Spirit. I know that I am loved and cared for. I feel that love, and I know that these 3 are with me always. So why? Why do I doubt? Why can’t I just let go and trust…believe? Why do I fear? I know why I doubt and why I fear~ it is really provision that I am wrestling with today.
I have struggled financially my entire life. From the time I was a little girl, there has just never been enough. Enough to have the headband that I so desperately wanted and could not understand why my Mom couldn’t buy it for my little girl heart. Enough to have the nice things that my friends had. Enough so that constant worry was not etched on my mother’s face. Enough so that I didn’t have to start working when I was 11. Enough to go to college without accruing insurmountable student loans. Enough to go on a honeymoon and celebrate my marriage. Enough for a home of my own. Enough to pay my bills, on-time…or at all. Enough to provide groceries for my children. Enough to buy basic necessities for my children, let alone what they truly desire. Enough to give freely in the way I desire. Enough to simply breathe and enjoy life. Enough…
You may think I am whining or complaining here, but please know that is not my intention. Understand that I must dive into this fear because it keeps me separated from Him. It keeps me from believing, from trusting, from true freedom, from living as my Creator intends for me to live. Eleanor Roosevelt said it well when she stated, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” So today I am choosing to face this fear of lack that has been a constant in my life since birth, because my Father is not lacking. He is abundant and overflowing. So let’s change this heart and this mind to be in accordance with His ways and His promises, rather than those ways ingrained by this world.
Looking back as an adult, I can see the many blessings showered over me throughout this walk. I definitely see much more now, from this perspective, than I did when I was being given those blessings. When I didn’t appreciate those blessings for what they were, or thank Him for His grace, or even be a good steward over what I was given. My mind has always been set on what I don’t have, knowing within the things I would never have. So is it possible that my Father is truly blessing me now, in my lack, but I can’t see it for the blessing it is. I look at my situation as lacking, but am I not so much better off than most? And is He using this lack to teach me that it is actually not lack at all, but a time to see only Him, and not desire the things of this world? Has He been prodding me all along to turn to Him for my needs, rather than others who walk here with me, also lacking? That He has allowed me to get to where I am so there is nowhere else to look but at Him? That I learn to stop worrying over things that are not important, and find peace in Him and trust Him. That lack is a word created by humans, and does not fit His ways. A shift of mind and heart is definitely needed here, a shift that dispels fear and replaces it with believing .
Fear is a verb ~ it is something you DO. It is not passive. It can be defined as: To feel a painful apprehension of; to be afraid of; to consider or expect with emotion of alarm or solicitude.
I fear that my bills will not be paid. I fear that I will never be secure and comfortable financially. I fear that my debt will consume me. I fear that my children and I will not be provided for. I fear that there will not be enough.
Believe is also a verb ~ it too is something you DO. It is not passive. It is defined as: to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so. Trust is also a verb and can be defined as: to believe.
I think most of us are can agree that I cannot possibly accomplish both of these at the same time, fear and believe. I cannot fear lack, while also believing that God is providing. It is one or the other. I can choose fear or I can believe, but not both. So then I must turn to my life water, His word. What does He say about this? Does He say “Fear my child, I will cause you to suffer?” Does He say, “I will not provide for your life here ~ I dress the lillies of the valley better than you and care more for them who are here today, gone tomorrow?”
NO!!!! He does not say that. He says the complete opposite!!!
He says in Matthew 7:7 - 11, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."
"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 1Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
He says, “All things are possible to him who believes” (Mark 9:23 NKJV).
He says, "It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, He had His eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose He is working out in everything and everyone" (Ephesians 1:11-12 MSG).
He says,'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!' (Matthew 25:21).
He says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own
understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your
paths.” (Prov. 3:5-6)
He says, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
He says, “DELIGHT THYSELF ALSO IN THE LORD, AND HE SHALL GIVE THE DESIRES OF THINE HEART. Commit thy way unto the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37: 4~5
Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life [a]? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
27 "Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! 29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30 For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
32 "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. ~ Luke 12:22 - 32
I will no longer continue down this path of disbelief. I dispel my fears right here, right now. They no longer have any place in this life that I am creating through the ways of my Father. My action is to believe. I believe that my Father is providing abundantly for the needs of myself and my children, in full to overflowing. You know my needs Papa, and only You can meet them. Thank you Father for the wisdom and Words You have shown me here. Please Father, mold me into a good steward over your blessings, which you are reigning down on me and mine. My bills are paid, my bank account is rising, and I am climbing out of debt. My children and I find our value in You and not in this world. I am doing good with all that You give me, helping those in need with my time and Your provisions. I am sowing into Your Kingdom because I cherish Your ways, not because I have to. Write this on my heart Dear Lord and bring it to pass. I release my fears and replace them with Your provisions. Please forgive me for not trusting You and believing that Your love for me will conquer all. You are the almighty, perfect provider and I can only be sustained through You. Thank you Father, Your love and ways are absolute as always. In Yeshua's name I pray, Amen.
Nothing you would take...Everything you gave. Hhhhmmmm...Plenty!!!
Monday, April 26, 2010
On Saturday I went out into nature and walked. I needed to surround myself with His beauty and serenity, to just be still and surround myself with Him. The brilliant colors that filled my sight spoke of his love, while the scents that filled the air wrapped themselves around me and became complete delight. Sounds of pure life swirled all around me, reminding me that I am not alone in this heaven on Earth He has created for our enjoyment. As I walked I happened to look up at the perfect moment and I found a trail that led up a mountain. Ok, it was a very large hill, but while actually climbing it, it felt like a mountain. Insert more exercise here! So, I climbed that trail to the top, taking my time, watching my feet take each step carefully, and struggling most of the way. But yet I persevered, and I reached the top...to be rewarded with a completely breath-taking view of His work. It literally took my breath away.
So I sat...to soak up the magnitude of the view... and this precious gift God was giving me in the ability to fully experience that moment, through sight, through smell, through sound, and through knowing my creator was showing me this because He loves me. As I sat, I watched people walk by below. I could see them, but unless they turned to me, they could not see me. And I felt like shouting to each of them, please come and see this, see what I am seeing. Please! You don't know what you are walking past. That narrow path down there will take you to complete beauty, but you must turn your focus from your path and look up. But they just continued on their ways, not even aware of what they were missing.
Then a group of young children came by, their mother in tow, and they looked up! Yay, they looked up! They saw that path and the joy on their faces at the thought of climbing this mountain was evident. They were eager to make the journey, because they could see that it would be worth it. So two of them started sprinting up the hill, but only to be called back by their mother. Their delight quickly became disappointment. They stopped and they looked up again, and they saw me...and they smiled a sad smile. As they walked back down the path, their eyes kept returning to mine, wanting to see what I was seeing, needing to see what I was seeing. And I held their gazes, because I so wanted them to see what I was seeing.
I sat for a while longer, soaking up His goodness, and then I headed back down. The trail back down was so very slippery and took all of my focus away from the beauty as I struggled to keep my balance. It took only a few minutes to reach the bottom, even though the climb had taken much longer.
Since that climb I keep returning to the thought of how different God's perspective is, from above and interwoven in to the very fabric of all living things. He must sit up on the mountain and watch as we go by, making choices that lead us to miss Him. Not choosing to look up. Not choosing to see Him, to KNOW Him. Not knowing that He is there shouting to us, saying "Please...come to me. Choose me!" And even those who do look up and start the climb stagger so easily and fall back to their own ways. Not realizing that if they were to make the climb, true glory in Christ would become them.
This is not to say the climb is easy, because it is also laden with a need for obedience that is not of this world. You must choose every single step of the way to die to your old self, shedding a layer with every step that stretches our muscles and strengthens us. Every step is a choice. Every decision we make brings us either closer to God or further away from Him. And this is not because He is moving toward us or moving away from us. He is constant, he is within us, always present, truly omniscient. It is our sin and self-flagellation that moves us away from Him. It is our choices. It is the most amazing gift God has given each and every one of us ~ Free Will. That we have the ability to choose good or evil, light or darkness. Nothing is random, and every event constitutes a choice ~ that is God's awesome grace. Because He will not force our hand. He will gently offer a better way, but He will not force us to come to Him, to continue up the mountain. We must make that choice. We must choose to take each step and with each step strengthen our faith and turn to Him and trust Him and be obedient to His ways. Or we will just stagger back and end up back at the bottom, knowing we are missing something wonderful.
Lord I pray that you steady my steps and continue to gently lead my footsteps up to you. Your Word is my comfort, your love my peace, your grace my hope. Thank you for your glory Father and for sharing your beauty with me. I choose to be obedient to your ways, as they are the way to true freedom and love. I choose to trust You as the awesome provider you are, to rest in Your love. My choice is You. In Yeshua's name I praise you Father. Amen.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Your ways Father, are far beyond my miniscule means of existing or comprehending. I revel in that knowledge, that your ways are beyond me, and over me and around me, and it is not necessary for me to know them, just of them. That when I become anxious and bogged down and beaten by the ways of this world, I must trust, blindly, that your ways are infinitely better than anything my mind might grasp. I must focus my limited thinking on those things that are lovely and light and of You. I must return my thoughts to you and your goodness and your love for me. I must always have your words and ways in my being, in order to combat that which is ugly and misleading and nasty. If my thoughts should stray, I must learn to return them quickly to you and allow you to continue to fill me with your grace. And if I should stagger, I know that you are there, remaining steadfast for me, until I return to your care. Ready to throw words at me that will be my life-line and revive. Words such as these:
1 John 2:15 ~ Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
Father you are so good and just. I question you not. Continue to remind me to not turn to this world or things of this world for fulfillment...that you are everything I need, and true satisfaction will not come from this world, but from your love, which covers me as a sheild. You are my protection against this world of ugliness and sadness. Thank you Father.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Looking back at my past as a part of the long road I am walking, and from a healthy place in my heart, I am able to see God's amazing works throughout the ugliness and sadness. His hand has been upon me this entire time. In fact, there were times that if it were not for Him, I wouldn't be walking this earth right now. Too many bad choices that I shouldn't have survived. Free will baby! But here I am ~ in all Your glory and love! And I didn't even know You were there, carrying me the whole way. Wait...yes I did. I just hurt too badly to acknowledge You, because how could You let me suffer as I did? A pain so gut-wrenching and all-consuming, over and over again, so that I knew my heart was physically broken and dead.
Yet, because you have breathed life into that precious heart, I now have to ask, "How could you have not?" Had you not allowed my life, just as it was, this Alicia would not exist, and that would be true sadness. Not to say, wow I'm fantastic (even though I am pretty fun!). But to say, the works You are doing in my life are spectacular and will speak of your ways to many! So thank You for helping me see all of it as necessary ~ an integral part of my very being...even though the road has been long and painful, ohh the memories go round. How I wished for it to end so many times, how I wished for You. But Your gentleness as You have helped me to see all of this and given me peace is astounding and comforting and lovely. The ways you have slowly prepared my heart, opened my eyes to pain, removed judgement from my character, and sealed my faith through the occurences in my life is the exact way that you will lead me to glory in this world. My experiences of this world, coupled with Your love and forgiveness, are openning my path to do truly good works on this earth. I am able to see your children for who You created and who they desire to be, not as they are in their brokeness. I am capable of loving broken souls because I too have been broken, but now am love. I can quickly disseminate judgments that fall on my lips because I too have been judged, but have been saved and forgiven and cleansed.
16 wash and make yourselves clean. Take your evil deeds out of my sight! Stop doing wrong, 17 learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow. 18 "Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. 19 If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the best from the land; 20 but if you resist and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword." For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.
Just as my guy Eddie says, pace yourselves...it's gonna be a long one...a Long Road to absolute glory...but totally worth the trip! We all walk the Long Road, cannot stay! Take the first step, please.
Friday, April 16, 2010
For those of you who may have seen me over the past week or so, I think you may be able to agree that I might almost be glowing! God's grace and work in my soul has culminated to be a pure joy and absolute peace ~ don't get too close or the love will get ya! And now it's Friday, so I may just very well choose to float through this day! Hence the song! Father ~ you ARE cooler than the flip side of the pillow! It is so very beautiful to be able to rest in my Father and listen to an awesome, toe curling song like this one, giving Him praise and letting others see His love emanating from every pore of my body. His glory is that awesome! That little light of mine that I was going to let shine has now become as bright as the son and is radiating goodness, beauty and yes, His LOVE! My new favorite four-letter word, because I now comprehend it's truest meaning, to the depths of my very soul, I am loved and I am love. Not only is it well with my soul, it has become my soul. You took my oh-so hardened heart and have replaced it with this...again, the words fail me. But your goodness does not and I am going to spread that goodness ~ spread it like sunshine over my children, my friends, my family, and especially over those I have yet to meet ~ boy are they in for a surprise, cause I'm on a mission ~ a Father's mission and We're ALL about love these days!!!
Watch out for the hugs, because I now know for sure that I LOVE TO HUG!!! Really hug ~ it's so warm and souls intertwine and join and accept one another and make it ok to be sin and imperfection. Because when God is put in the middle of that mix, between two souls, it is pure and it is glorious ~ just as God intended for His creations to exist, as one. That we be corporate and lift one another and serve one another. Father, you have given me the heart of a lover and you are giving me the words to write on people's hearts so that their hardened hearts of stone might be penetrated and shown to the world as your masterpieces. Help us to understand our sorrows, our deepest angst and fears, to reveal light to those places of darkness. I know Your sleeves are rolled up and You are digging Father ~ the almighty harvester and grower of pure hearts. May these words and Your love and this glorious smile I won't even try to evade, be the ray of Your love that pierces a heart that has been hardened, and hidden, and protected by walls ~ my awesome piercer of hardened hearts. For you not only pierced this very broken heart, you poured love and grace into it, full and overflowing with abundance, more than enough to go around. So I will smile and show that love. Smile with me ~ it's Friday and God LOVES You and knows your heart ~ let Him bring life back to that which He created and formed with His own hands! Be blessed ~ because we all are! Have a magnificent weekend ~ go out and see beauty and smile! Much Love!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
You so graciously gave me this gem again last night, which I need not comment on because as always, Your words are sufficient and far surpass any thought or word I might conjure up! Thank you Father!
O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
I thank you with my entire existence, my awesome Father ~ continue to humble me and fill me full with your love ~ leading me in the way everlasting! In Yeshua's glorious name I pray. AMEN!!!!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Who Am I Father that you might call me your child? That you might love me in ways that are indescribable to those who do not know You. My limited brain struggles here to find words to accurately portray your insanely overwhelming goodness and love. Love is a four letter word that is so over-used but under-meant. And honestly, even when meant, I don't think this four letter word even begins to do justice to the grace you have showered over me, in ways I didn't know to be possible. So for now I will stick with what I can put words to, and that is the peace and purity you have instilled in my heart. Father you are with me at all times now, your Holy Spirit has me shouting ABBA, with such joy and elation, and Yeshua, your gentleness and calmness sweep through my soul and all I can do is smile and tenderly touch my cheek, knowing you feel me. I have this crazy ability to actually feel my heart..this beating, living vitality within my chest. Pappa you shaped this integral part of me, making it durable and moldable and elastic and strong and able to accept and able to give and able to feel...perfection.
For so many years, 31 to be exact, I didn't know this heart. I didn't want to go there, for fear it might crumble from all of the brokeness. To have spent all of this time in a body as exquisite as this one (and no, I am not referring to my thighs, because girlfriend ~ they need help!), but a body so expertly crafted, and to now be discovering it for the first time, I am in awe. I watch my fingers as they type, so effortlessly, as though they already know before I think this, what they are to type. And the eyes I am seeing them through ~ the eyes that allow me to see others while also allowing others to see my soul. Unbelieveably beautiful sounds wafte through the air into my being ~ causing me to just have to move this body. Toes, my ten little piggies. A tongue that holds the power to kill but also give life ~ depending on it's coordination with my heart and my mind. This mind, which used to be so painfully full of darkness but now sees pure beauty and makes this writing capable. What amazing treasures you have stowed here in your vessel Father.
What Am I that I might be called your child ~ that you love me so much to give me all of this wonderfulness. And as if that weren't enough, You come and live here with me in this creation, Your creation. That You might continue to mold me and hold me and be one with me. You have written love all over my being ~ and have made me in your image ~ I am your child, I am beautiful and I am love, just by being.
Monday, April 12, 2010
This moment will forever be etched on my soul and I have to write it ~ write it on my heart for eternity. Sitting in church last night, while God was weaving His way through all of our hearts, I turned and looked. The sun was setting and created a light that only God could be capable of. Filtering through the stained glass windows, a glow was created that kissed every person sitting there worshiping our Creator together. A song so infinitely perfect, "How He Loves Us," was being sung by people who just HAVE to worship our Father, HAVE to come together in this way and praise Him. My seat became home, as though the physical may just disappear and my spirit might melt into the chair I sat in. God had chosen that seat for me, someone else had lovingly prayed over my seat, and from that seat I could see all of the angels God has surrounded me with. I was drawn to their faces as though to not see their beauty at that moment would forever change my heart. It was pure joy to turn and see them, see them spilling over with love and glory and pain and realness, to see myself in each of them. To see their wings, which may be hidden to the rest of the world, but have spread over my life in such ways that I am now becomming capable of pouring love onto others. I will no longer be a sponge just sucking up His love and the love of those around me, unable to return that love and letting it dry up. I am so full of love that it is spilling out of me and I want to shout it to the world! I couldn't hide His love if I tried!
At this moment, I was able to glimpse in my mind ALL of the absolutely amazing angels He has placed in my path, who have re-shaped that path and straightened it to lead directly to Him. People who were present, people who are in my heart, and people who have long been gone. I am surrounded by angels who walk beside me, hold my hand, whisper encouragement, pray, lift, give, love, and save. "How He Loves Us" doesn't even begin to accurately portray His work in our lives ~ but it's a good start. Sitting there holding my daughter and son, overwhelmed by the magnificent beauty engulfing my very being, I not only glimpsed God ~ my eyes were opened wide ~ and He is glorious! In every heart of every person I've ever known. In the heart of every angel re-directing my path. In my heart. What a beautiful gift this moment was ~ sealing my faith and making it ok for me to give love.
Thank you my angels ~ some of you know who you are and others are not even aware of how magnificently you have touched my life. But your goodness is so strong it has now become a part of who I am and will breathe life into others as you are a part of my testimony and my story of what is yet to come! It is truly a glorious story that could have only one author ~ for whom I will travel the earth shouting His good name and telling of His love ~ letting His love pour out onto others who are broken just as I was. I will no longer suck it all up without giving back. My heart is prepared to serve you Father and give love to all of your children. You have healed me...and OH,HOW YOU LOVE US!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Today I am DECLARING my new life in Christ! I have known that I am new and cleansed through Yeshua dying on the cross, but I have never officially declared it for myself! Declared to the world that I have died to my old ways and am a new creation! Declare can be defined in several different contexts, but the one that most applies today is "to state emphatically; to make evident." I don't think I have ever been at a moment in time where this is so necessary - to be new and removed from the old. So I am stating emphatically - I AM a new creation and the old is GONE!"
And that is exactly what God is working out in my life. The past five days have offered me closure to a relationship that needs to be closed. And I say offered because a part of me is resisting this closure. And when I say resisting, I mean absolutely refusing to accept the gift God is so graciously offering me! A part of my heart is grasping this relationship as though I will never be loved again by any other human being. And the crazy part is that it wasn't even a relationship built on love. It was a relationship built on sex, lies, alcohol, drugs, and destruction. But there was a bit of love there. There had to be, or it wouldn't hurt this badly. We had two beautiful children together, and I feel that binds people in the exact way God intends. I guess it's time to share this part of myself so that you can understand what I am talking about. For those of you who weren't aware, I am still currently married. I have been separated for almost two years now, but still technically married. My husband and I have put each other through absolute hell and torn each other down to complete ugliness, sin, and sadness. Fortunately, God has helped me climb out of that strangle hold of devastation we were heaping on one another and gently placed me on my feet. Actually He has placed me in Yeshua's arms, right where I need to be. But it's in that exact spot that I have struggled with the idea of divorce, because it is not God's way. Which is why I have been praying very hard for clarity on my marriage. I have been fortunate ~ God has answered my prayer.
But my husband has not been so fortunate as of this writing. He has fallen to the lowest of lows, existing only as a shell of a human being. I know that I have still had some influence on his state of being to date, and it hurts me to know that. It hurts me to know that I caused a lot of his pain, but couldn't help him because I was angry and dealing with my own pain. Or could I have helped him? Should I have helped him? He is not a bad person, he has just made bad choices shrouded by a past full of pain. And haven't I been that person? Aren't I still in some ways? But I have been saved. Yet over the weekend it all came crashing down. I can't share what happened here because it is private. But it was final...complete. God has his own plan for him, and has now, through these recent events, told me to take my hands off of the whole situation. He has released me, allowing me the grace to file for divorce and move on. But yet I resist. Do I resist because I feel that I should have helped him, especially knowing that my God is soo good and capable of anything ~ yet I didn't show him that God. I showed him my anger and bitterness. He couldn't see God in me. Maybe if he had, these very sad events may have been avoided?
This brings me to my DECLARING a new life in Christ! My old ways of anger, bitterness, resentment, expecting men to treat me badly then leave, sin, and nastiness are dead. I can no longer allow these wretched emotions and ways of living to eclipse the wonderful and grace-filled God who lives within me. Although I am struggling and resisting Him and clinging to anger right now, I know that this is all part of Him working out the good in me. So what better time than now to choose to die to those old ways, especially seeing the negative impact they have had on a man I loved. I don't want one more person to miss out on God because of my old ways that are not of God. So here it goes,
~ To turn to You, my Father, in everything, for everything!
~ To remove all expectations I place on others for things I must turn to You for (see Declaration #1)!
~ That my anger and bitterness toward my husband no longer have any control over my emotions - they are nailed to the cross!
~ I will choose to show love to EVERY person!
~ I forgive my husband for the pain he has caused me and my children and lift him up to you ~ grow in him the man you placed there before he was born!
~ That every person I meet will see at least a glimpse of you Father, and as You continue to grow me, they will eventually see all of You!
~ That You will continue to grow me and I will be open and receptive to that maturing
~ That You are blessing me and mine with abundance ~ in love, joy, finances, and a servant's heart!
~ That you are protecting the hearts of my precious children whom You have allowed me to share in raising up to You!
~ That I will share all that You have given me with those less fortunate, that they may turn to You!
~ That daily I die to my sinful ways and give you authority over those areas of my life, to fill with love!
~ That I will follow You, thank You, and love You all the days of my life, on Earth and in Heaven!
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17
Friday, April 2, 2010
I am feeling very bitter right this moment, and it's quickly sweeping into my entire being. I feel anxious, a little angry, and really just out of sorts. Did I mention that I quit smoking on Monday? So it's been 5 days. And it honestly hasn't bothered me much, until today. Why today? Why on this day that is not about me? This is the day I've been preparing for all week. Yes, Sunday will be a day of celebration. But today was to be a day for contemplation and reverence for my Savior and Father. I've questioned all week whether today should be a dark day or not. And I didn't feel it should. A day to remember what Yeshua did for us, yes. A day to praise Our Heavenly Father for the sacrifice He made on my behalf, yes. But dark, no. This day had to be just as it was. In order for Sunday to come, we must first get through Friday.
Although it is not dark, it does sadden me to think of what my Father & Savior must have been experiencing. Let those things that break His heart break mine also. It breaks my heart to think of God forming in the womb Pilate's soldier that would drive the spear into Yeshua's side. To know that His own child would refuse Him in such a way, not only refusing to see who He was, but to hold such fear in his heart to be capable of such a moment, must have broken my Father's heart. Carefully creating the hands that would place the crown of thorns on His Son's head, that could only be a time for tears. Father you shaped the very hearts of the men who would drive the nails through His precious hands and feet into the wood that came from a tree you gave seed to.
But there is such beauty to be seen here. Yeshua you knew. Father you prepared the way. As you knelt together in the garden of Gethsemane, you knew what they would do to You. You knew that You would die to save us sinners. But then, You always did seek out the sinners, not the one's who already knew of Your love. It's always been the sinners that needed You. And that is why You've allowed this day. That the rest of Your children be brought back to You. That we might live again in You. That was Your will Father.
It was also Your will to cleanse us, help us die to our own sins. Oh that I should be able to die to my sins as you did Yeshua. And there is the beauty. You did die for my sins. You accepted torture and death because You are love. Only love in it's purest form is capable of enduring what You did. And You speak that love into me with every breathe I am given. That I cannot forget my sins and die to them is of my own doing and this world's doing. The day You carried Your own cross to the hill on Calvary You took my sin with you. It is washed from my being by the blood that You shed at the hands of those You died to save. For me to hold on to those sins and allow them roots in my life is not honoring your choice to suffer death for me. That I may live. And be love.