Saturday, November 21, 2009

Time Goes By

It's this time of year when I begin to reflect on the past year and the year to come. It continues to amaze me that each year seems to go by faster and faster than the previous. Yet I am finally at a point that I actually want more time. I want to stop Father Time from marching straight across our lives. He doesn't seem to be aware that I am finally beginning to enjoy my life, and therefore I would greatly appreciate more time for all of the good, thank you very much! How beautiful is that - I feel so blessed, regardless of the craziness surrounding me, that I want more time to enjoy these blessings. I want to take that hour to sit and watch my children explore this world. I want to stay awake later just to watch them sleep and soak up the deep peace found there. How about a few more minutes to savor the delectable deliciousness that nourishes my body, or even a few minutes to actually prepare that delectable deliciousness, rather than pour it from a bag to our plates! I'll even take a few more seconds so I can elaborate on that thought in my mind that truly deserves further exploration.

I used to despise time. I didn't want more time to dwell in my disaster. I wanted the clock to speed up so that I could move on to the next event that would consume my thoughts in order to stay far away from those thoughts. Time was not on my side. Time after time, life went by, and I missed so much of it. I didn't cherish the moments for the gifts they were.

But I now find myself to be so amazingly blessed that I am in awe of time. I revel in the wonder of each moment that creates each day. And the awesome opportunity I have to be fully present in each of those moments. As much as I want time to slow or stop, I am slowly learning to respect the passing minutes for the gems they are. Go ahead Father Time - I am fully blessed with every second you give me. So as I prepare to give thanks this week to my Creator, to truly submerse myself in the celebration of His Son's life over the next month, I look back and know that next year will be better yet. There is so much more to come. What a blessing time is and what a blessing to realize how blessed I am by time.

"To me every hour of the light and dark is a miracle, every cubic inch of space is a miracle" - Walt Whitman

Monday, November 9, 2009

A New Father for Two

I sat with my daughter in my arms tonight as she whispered the words "My heart is broken Mommy." How does a mother endure such a statement from a piece of herself? Especially when, looking into the sadness, she sees herself. Same sad eyes..same sad tears...same reasons for the sadness. Did my mother ache like this at my tears? Did she wish to give anything just to be able to take away that pain. I am sure my mother's heart broke several times through the course of raising 3 children, and I know mine will break too. But is it possible for something that is already broken to continue to break? And what is this cycle that is being repeated in my young daughter Lord? Why am I dealing with my own pain while simultaneously watching her endure the same? How am I to do this Lord? How? How is it that the source of her pain is the same source of my own pain. She misses her father, and I know that deep, aching void that is left when a parent is absent. Especially a daughter's loss of a father...that special, God-made bond that I still ache over today, thirty years later.

So what are we to do, how do I fix something in her that I haven't been able to heal within myself? Lord I know you have a plan and you know what is to come. So we turn to you Father...our Father. I cling with every ounce of my strength to the belief that she will heal much faster than I, for she has YOU to turn to in this difficult time. I did not and I know my life would be different if I had turned to you much sooner. So is that Your grace see your ability to heal my precious one, and in turn myself? I rest in the knowledge that we both have a Father who loves us and will never leave us, and that I can teach her of your love. There it is ~ a little bit of light shed on the darkness. I thank you Father and know you hold us both tonight, you heal us both!

The Ways He Whispers "I Love You" (adding to the Gratitude Community by Ann Voskamp)

Je suis recoissant:

1. The grooves of my finger prints ~ reminding me He's only made one!

2. The blue of Mac's eyes ~ yet to be matched.

3. Pat's eyelashes ~ perfect for butterfly kisses.

4. The morning sun kissing my cheeks, reminding me this is the day that He has made ~ I will be glad and rejoice in it!

5. My stretchmarks ~ a forever reminder that He allowed me to assist Him in 2 miracles!

6. The brilliant red hue only witnessed on a sunny fall day.

7. Raindrops in puddles.

8. A baby's belly laugh.

9. Pat's goodness.

10. Mac's wisdom.

11. My ability to choose good.

12. A stranger's surprise and then true joy at an unwarranted smile from me.

13. The amazing arrayof colors found in the fruit and veggie section of our modern convenience known as a grocery store.

14. Eyes ~ they allow one to see the world while also allowing others to see one's soul.

15. The exquisite scent of a stargazer lily.

16. Poppop's hands and the memories they created.

17. Being still and knowing Him.

18. The ability to learn, especially from my mistakes.

19. Photographs ~ the ability to capture a moment forever!

20. The sweet smell of coffee on a Sunday morning.

21. Slippers and pockets

22. Lemon water hydrating my soul.

23. Pearl Jam's lyric's moving my soul.

24. The Bible ~ could He have made it any easier?

25. Locating a pencil buddy!

26. Brothers ~ their hugs and knowing they will always love me no matter what!

27. Love notes from my children!

28. The smile on my face as I read back through these blessings...

Saturday, November 7, 2009 His Arms

I have had trouble this past week shaking the feeling that I am alone. I feel this deep unsettling need to have a man hold me in their arms and tell me it is okay, that I am doing the right things. Where is this crazy desire coming from, and why can't I see past it? I am surrounded by people who love me, and when I say love, they love me - the real me. They see my soul, my spirit, my essence. They know my story, and they love me despite it, because of it. And yet, here I sit, feeling alone....alone...alone. God spoke to me through an unexpected vessel this week, and His message has me stirred to the core. "Let Me In." Three words. Three small words. But three words that, when strung together by Him, open the floodgates to past hurts that I thought I had dealt with, put behind me. Apparently not. To understand the impact of these words, let me exlplain a little bit about those past hurts. Know that as I explain them to you, I also re-discover them for myself. And isn't that what this is all about? Life I mean. It's about discovering, who we are, who we have been, and who we will become. I digress.

My past is a vault of chapters that I have yet to re-read. I haven't wanted to open that part of the book. Up until a year ago I took every possible measure to numb myself from that past, from my demons. And facing those demons is taking all of the strength I have. Thank God I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! And that in itself is a testament to my progress, considering that up until two years ago, I didn't believe in God. I had struggled with my life so much so that I couldn't fathom there is a God who would let someone go through what I've been through. So here it goes, what I've been through. Just to skim the surface, because I'll post more on this later, I have been abandoned by my father, molested, and raped, all before the tender age of 12. I then took it upon myself to not deal with any of the emotions that came along with these tragedies. Not let them in, not acknowledge them. The pain was too great. So, the wall was built. A wall that kept me from discovering me and from developing a true understanding of love. A wall that has managed to thwart every relationship I have had since then.

Knowing God now and having come to be in a growing relationship with Him, I see that the wall I built was put there by God Himself. His good grace, despite my disbelief of His existence, was there all along. Him, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit were there holding my hand through every one of those tragic moments. So I now begin the journey of breaking down that wall. Hand in hand with 3, we begin to bring these demons to light and release them. And part of that is realizing that I must let Him in completely, because even though I felt alone when I was that young child undergoing true pain, He was my Savior then and always. So my aching desire to be held and comforted is God saying "Let Me In, Turn to Me, Let Me Be The One to Hold You in My Arms." So for tonight, I am here His Arms.