The past week held much trial and strife ~ swirling all around. And as hard as I tried to keep it only around, and not in, it seeped its way into my heart and corroded that which is dearest to me ~ my relationship with my husband and children. I tried...really hard...to turn to Him and not the ways of this world. I looked to God for understanding and to guide my footsteps because I was lost in a haze of attack, struggling to loose the enemy's hold while also remembering God's promises to finish the good works He has started in me and to work out ALL for my good. These were my lifelines, and I truly did turn to Him with it all. Whereas before I would have leaned much on my own ways and hastily reacted in a less than savory way when attacked in the many ways I was ~ I did look to Him instead. And His work in me is true and good because I didn't completely lose it and fly off the handle at these hurtful verbal attacks from those I care about dearly.
But I did let my frustration and pain be heaped onto my family, and they felt the blows all weekend. I resisted my daughter's plea to forgive and apologize ~ because I am stubborn and human. She is seven and spoke with the wisdom of our Father, yet I couldn't heed her ways that ultimately would heal but would also cost me pride. And she witnessed my resistance to choosing His ways, and we both know it. Hmmm...that one hurts.
I also unleashed the fury of my mouth onto my husband several times because I am angry and want to be justified in that anger. All the while my heart was screaming "Noooo, that's not the truth you stand in. That is the devil!!!!" I chose the need to be right over...well...over it all. Over my walk with Christ, over His ways, over my husband and children. Yeah, it's been a tough couple of days for us.
But last night God held me as I cried and begged Him to be there, to change me, to change my heart and to take these burdens from me. To wash my heart clean from the impurity's I had allowed in. Because those impurities will spread like cancer and cause much decay in our lives, if we allow them to. I begged for His forgiveness. For His forgiveness to enter my heart and help me find forgiveness for those who have hurt me. But more importantly, that my husband and children find forgiveness for me. I understand that God is allowing these tests in my life because He is hard at work building character within. And I feel that overall I have passed this test ~ not with flying colors by any means, but my turning to Him speaks volumes of our walk together. I still have much work to do, but in all of this I find progress and steps closer to His ways. So for that I am grateful and trust His ways, perfect and good. Continue to work this out in me Lord. Help me beg my husband and children for forgiveness that speaks of what you're doing in my life ~ in a way that shows them you're in there and while I stumble ~ You are carrying me. Help them to see you Father in all that I do. I beg that your ways wash away my ways.
If you will turn (repent) and give heed to my reproof, behold, I [Wisdom] will pour out my spirit upon you, I will make my words known to you.
— Proverbs 1:23
I am standing strong today in the message I heard last night ~ that Jesus IS TRUTH! It's still marinating, as are the words of the wise women and men who have spoken His truth into my life over the past week, helping me to remain strong and walk with our Lord, or actually to loosen my grip on this life and let Him carry me. I adore you Lord for giving me truth and love and your ways to be emulated. May I walk even closer to you today than I did yesterday. In Jesus' name ~ Amen!!!