Am I Willing?!?!?!

This question keeps arising, and while I rush to proclaim "yes, of course I am," I also find myself strangely hesitant because I think my heart knows the answer I desire to give while my mind says "no ~ because you aren't!" For way too long now I have wrestled internally with myself ~ knowing what I know and what I should be doing, but ultimately not doing it. And God keeps asking, in different ways, at different times, "Are you willing?" While this question and those three words could apply in so many different ways, I know it is not that simple. He is asking me ~ am I willing to give it ALL to Him and get serious in this walk with Him? Am I willing to strive for goodness and righteousness, no matter what? Am I willing to stop living a lie by living on the fence between His ways and the ways of this world? Am I willing to choose Him?

...Because you can't have your cake and eat it too Alicia! It doesn't work that way. It's all or nothing! No more mediocrity in our relationship! No more lukewarm! You're so discontent with this life, and yet I am offering you a new way of life ~ but still you hesitate! I understand dear child why you hesitate ~ the draws of this world and sin are strong and many. And leaving them behind completely is not easy ~ at least from your perspective! Your sight is so limited and focused on yourself, but if you choose to follow Me I promise to offer you eternal beauty, peace, and rest. My ways are not your ways, my thoughts are not your thoughts, but if you follow me closely, they will resonate with one another and my ways will become your ways ~ my thoughts your thoughts, that I promise. I have promised you much more than you will ever gain here on Earth, living the way others do. But you have the choice because I will not force you to turn to Me. I will not make that choice for you, because I love you that much and want you to love Me because it is your choice. I love you regardless, no matter what. But your love is fickle and waivers depending on who you are speaking to and what you are doing. I want your heart Alicia, all of it, forever! I want you to walk with me daily, minute by minute. I want you to give it all to me because only I am capable of turning ashes into beauty. I am the way, the truth and the life. Be still and know Me dear child. I am waiting, but you must be willing.

I struggle with how to do this. How do I turn to Him fully and without restraint? What steps must I take? But yet ~ even as I type those questions, I already know the answers. He's already showed me the way. It is I who resists and makes excuses. It is I who holds back and doesn't do what I know I should. It is I who turns to the ways of this world. It is I who loses.

In case you can't tell this raging battle that is taking place for my soul is at a breaking point and I am at the true Crossroads that I think (hope) many Christians come to. I no longer wish to be a lukewarm Christian. I no longer want to live knowing that, while I am going to Heaven, it is only by a thread that I maintain my relationship with my Creator. I no longer desire to go from high to low, complete love to utter disbelief, recognition and a true walk to a turned back and short memory. And God is telling me that He no longer desires the crumbs I throw at Him. He loves me so much more than that and isn't ready to just let me be complacent. His desires for His creation are much greater than that. I can feel my heart yearning for His love and His ways and the life He intends for me.

Teach me Lord! I beg of you! Because there are still so many ties to this world that I can't seem to break on my own. But I can no longer live in limbo ~ between your ways and my own. It is only through You that I will be able to turn from sin and walk towards You. While my journey only started a few short years ago, it has been long and drawn out because I resist You. My fingers resist typing this right now because the honesty is painful. But You are here, all the while, waiting. I know that as I type these words change is occurring within my heart. The moment has come for the final decision to be made, once and for all of eternity. It is time Lord. It is time and I choose You. I choose Your ways. Regard me gently Father, because I don't know the way, but I know You, and I know You are all I need.

Break these ties within my soul Lord, please. Remove the need to drink alcohol in order to escape Lord. Remove the desire to take pills as a way to feel good Father. Remove the natural reaction to be hateful and angry and unjustified. Take away the need to be around people who don't know You but give me the strength to stand strong in their presence. Break my addiction to cigarettes which rot my body. Show me the way Father. Overcome my greed for material things and my worldly mind-set toward money Lord. Dig out the unforgiveness that resides in the deepest parts of my heart Lord ~ the places only You know but that lead my behaviors in a way that is not of You. Force all lies away from my lips Lord. Help me turn my thoughts to You always and fill my mind and heart with Your ways. Drag my will into line with your own. Bring me to my knees to help me Rise to You! Make me willing ~ I beg of You! You will never forsake me nor leave me, but Lord go deeper than that. Make me like You, please Father! It is time. I am ready and I AM WILLING, God willing!

...I see that you are willing Alicia. Leave these burdens here and walk with Me. We have much work to do, but Your choice pleases Me greatly and I will be here to carry you through so that you can stand strong in Me. It surely is time and I am willing and I will show you the way. Let it be well, My spirit is upon you and we will part no longer. My ways are your ways and we will work this out for your good because I love you and created you for this very moment. I have waited eagerly for this moment and am so very delighted that the time has come and your choice is Me. It will go well for you. You have My Word child. My love is upon you.

I apologize to those of you who may have had trouble following this post. And for the lack of any pictures or fluff. All that I can say is that the Lord just touched every last crevice of my soul. This moment has been long in the making and it is glorious and makes breathing a bit difficult, to see His greatness, glory and mercy! I can't put many more words to it because I just experienced it myself as I typed these words and felt in my heart what I was saying. But I can say that I know things will be different from now on ~ God is making sure of that. I also know you will all see the results first hand. My faith and path are set and it is well with my soul. Be well.

By the way, while figuring out what music to play with this post, God showed me the lyrics to the first song, and I just have to share them with you. It's "Falling Slowly" by Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova, and it's perfect.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Thank you Father. Thank you.

Then He directed me to an article that just tied together all that He's been saying lately, which you can read here. The theme of it was this:

If we want to mount up with wings like eagles and feel what it is to spiritually fly with joy and peace and strength from God, we must cease striving in our own strength, cast our cares upon God, and hopefully and expectantly wait upon Him. He will keep His Word, and our strength will be renewed.

Yes! Thank you Lord. Your work in me can be seen and How I Love Your Ways! Amen!