Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The Old Has Gone
Today I am DECLARING my new life in Christ! I have known that I am new and cleansed through Yeshua dying on the cross, but I have never officially declared it for myself! Declared to the world that I have died to my old ways and am a new creation! Declare can be defined in several different contexts, but the one that most applies today is "to state emphatically; to make evident." I don't think I have ever been at a moment in time where this is so necessary - to be new and removed from the old. So I am stating emphatically - I AM a new creation and the old is GONE!"
And that is exactly what God is working out in my life. The past five days have offered me closure to a relationship that needs to be closed. And I say offered because a part of me is resisting this closure. And when I say resisting, I mean absolutely refusing to accept the gift God is so graciously offering me! A part of my heart is grasping this relationship as though I will never be loved again by any other human being. And the crazy part is that it wasn't even a relationship built on love. It was a relationship built on sex, lies, alcohol, drugs, and destruction. But there was a bit of love there. There had to be, or it wouldn't hurt this badly. We had two beautiful children together, and I feel that binds people in the exact way God intends. I guess it's time to share this part of myself so that you can understand what I am talking about. For those of you who weren't aware, I am still currently married. I have been separated for almost two years now, but still technically married. My husband and I have put each other through absolute hell and torn each other down to complete ugliness, sin, and sadness. Fortunately, God has helped me climb out of that strangle hold of devastation we were heaping on one another and gently placed me on my feet. Actually He has placed me in Yeshua's arms, right where I need to be. But it's in that exact spot that I have struggled with the idea of divorce, because it is not God's way. Which is why I have been praying very hard for clarity on my marriage. I have been fortunate ~ God has answered my prayer.
But my husband has not been so fortunate as of this writing. He has fallen to the lowest of lows, existing only as a shell of a human being. I know that I have still had some influence on his state of being to date, and it hurts me to know that. It hurts me to know that I caused a lot of his pain, but couldn't help him because I was angry and dealing with my own pain. Or could I have helped him? Should I have helped him? He is not a bad person, he has just made bad choices shrouded by a past full of pain. And haven't I been that person? Aren't I still in some ways? But I have been saved. Yet over the weekend it all came crashing down. I can't share what happened here because it is private. But it was final...complete. God has his own plan for him, and has now, through these recent events, told me to take my hands off of the whole situation. He has released me, allowing me the grace to file for divorce and move on. But yet I resist. Do I resist because I feel that I should have helped him, especially knowing that my God is soo good and capable of anything ~ yet I didn't show him that God. I showed him my anger and bitterness. He couldn't see God in me. Maybe if he had, these very sad events may have been avoided?
This brings me to my DECLARING a new life in Christ! My old ways of anger, bitterness, resentment, expecting men to treat me badly then leave, sin, and nastiness are dead. I can no longer allow these wretched emotions and ways of living to eclipse the wonderful and grace-filled God who lives within me. Although I am struggling and resisting Him and clinging to anger right now, I know that this is all part of Him working out the good in me. So what better time than now to choose to die to those old ways, especially seeing the negative impact they have had on a man I loved. I don't want one more person to miss out on God because of my old ways that are not of God. So here it goes,
~ To turn to You, my Father, in everything, for everything!
~ To remove all expectations I place on others for things I must turn to You for (see Declaration #1)!
~ That my anger and bitterness toward my husband no longer have any control over my emotions - they are nailed to the cross!
~ I will choose to show love to EVERY person!
~ I forgive my husband for the pain he has caused me and my children and lift him up to you ~ grow in him the man you placed there before he was born!
~ That every person I meet will see at least a glimpse of you Father, and as You continue to grow me, they will eventually see all of You!
~ That You will continue to grow me and I will be open and receptive to that maturing
~ That You are blessing me and mine with abundance ~ in love, joy, finances, and a servant's heart!
~ That you are protecting the hearts of my precious children whom You have allowed me to share in raising up to You!
~ That I will share all that You have given me with those less fortunate, that they may turn to You!
~ That daily I die to my sinful ways and give you authority over those areas of my life, to fill with love!
~ That I will follow You, thank You, and love You all the days of my life, on Earth and in Heaven!
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17