I'll Get There

I went home last night and did the complete opposite of what I've been writing about recently. Driving home, I noticed how dirty my car had gotten, and upon arriving home, I noticed how lacking my home is and that what I do have needed straightening and cleaning. This sent me into a tail-spin of a foul mood ~ the mood that used to prevail most days, 3 years ago. But that's not me any more. And I knew it was wrong and so completely out of balance, even as I yelled at my children and husband. As the ugliness ejected from my mouth, in my head I was praying, "God please change my heart. Right now Lord, please stop me." Yet, on I went for hours. Hours people, the whole time hating myself and knowing how wrong I was, yet still trying to justify my diarrhea of the mouth (sorry for the graphic description, but truth!). My precious children felt badly enough to take it upon themselves to go out and clean my entire car while I continued my tirade in the basement, alone.

How many times can you say sorry before it loses it's effectiveness? Because I've said this sorry way too many times, and I could see on their faces last night that they were thinking, "yeah, sorry this time, again...". And as children do, they will forgive. But as I looked, I could see in their faces that I haven't changed as much as I thought I have. Because I still have to say sorry, much too often, for similar rampages. While my heart says this is no longer the way, my mouth and mind have a mind of their own, and are out of balance with my heart. Again ~ a lack of balance between what is on the inside and what I actually do in this world. And I hurt them last night because of it. You may be saying it's just one little rampage, but all those little rampages have changed my children's hearts. I could see that last night. And my husband looks at me with confusion and disappointment. I can hear him thinking "I thought we were past this, and I want to believe you are different, but here we are again."

So I went to my room. Tail between my legs, knowing how wrong I was and questioning God, saying, "See Lord, this is what I am talking about. I need balance! I need the inside to be seen! I need to go deeper in You and get over myself and make this choice to walk with you Full FORCE! No more lukewarm, when I feel like it or when I have time. Change my heart Father! Help me see the blessings that surround me rather than all that I don't have!" Here I must mention that earlier in the evening, in my mad haze of cleaning, I found a book that I have never seen before. I noted the oddity that it was in my living room, and moved on. Remember ~ mad haze! When I went to my room, I intended to watch a movie and zone out for a while before bed. Well, God had different plans, because my DVD player refused to work. So I said, ok, I'll read. That was when I went and picked up the book I had found earlier, still no idea where it had come from.


All I can say is, thank you Father! Your timing is impeccable and the way you know my heart is seen in your ways. Thank you for your grace and for showing me that the discomfort I've been feeling inside is actually You, prodding me further along in our walk. You do have much bigger plans for me and mine, but first we have to work out the kinks, and last night was one of those kinks. But you are providing the tools and people needed to truly change my ways in order to walk closer to you. You will bring me to the place where sorry's are farther and fewer between. Do your thing Lord! Amen!

And then this morning, I was reminded of how extremely blessed I am. A friend wrote this, and I thanked God. Being upset last night because my house is less than I desire now seems absurd and I realize how askew my focus is. I love how you do that Lord ~ so gently, but so impacting! In the past 15 hours, you have shown me:

~ that I am truly blessed...truly
~ my walk with you IS deepening
~ I have all that's needed to go deeper, but I must follow your lead
~ I must align my head and mouth with my heart and You
~ You are with me...always!

So, in recognition of Your awesome ways, today is a great day to re-cognize my blessings. Let's realize the Ways He Whispers "I Love You!" and add to the list.

Je suis reconnaissant:

58. While I complain about my job, it provides much for those I love.

59. Forgiveness given freely.

60. My vegetable garden, teaching me how to grow.

61. Honesty ~ not always easy, but always worth it.

62. Patrick's desire to grow an orange tree.

63. Quicker & quicker recognition of stumbles.

64. Watching bubbles float by on a lazy wind.


65. Mckenzie's missing teeth, reminding me that she will grow but I can always hold her heart in mine.

66. The touch of a kind word.

67. Laughter that touches the soul.

68. A clean car.

69. New perspectives.

70. Authors who have the courage to put it out there for all to be affected.

71. Clarity creating clarity.

72. A narrow path.

73. Choices made that get me back on the narrow path.

74. Realizing that everything involves a choice.

75. The desire to be better.

76. Love given.

77. Knowing I'm loved.

I got this fantastic idea of counting our blessings as a way to praise Him from an incredible woman, named Ann Voskamp. If you are interested in reading more about this, and joining her Gratitude Community, see here. As she says, once you start it's very hard to stop! Blessings and love to all!

Beauty in Him

I have been searching the Bible and other sources lately on how to be a better parent. There are plenty of books out there, way too many if you ask me, with a thousand different theories and methods on how to be a good parent. And the Bible offers several references on parenting, which are so so true. But I haven't found exactly the recommendations that I am looking for. Like I want explicit details on how to truly live life and help my children do the same along the way. How to listen to them in a way that teaches them what it means to be heard. How to pray over them in a way that shows them the power of prayer. How to be honest when asked a tough question about the ways of this world, while still maintaining their innocence. How to know their hearts and their souls the way they should be known. How to hold those little hearts for such a short time, while also preparing to let them go out into this big world. How to engage each day as though it were the magic that it truly is because we breathe and love.

God is the perfect model for parenting. He is the only one who could teach me that which I yearn so deeply to learn. While the Bible is a treasure to behold, knowing Him, diving deeply into Him is a way of existing that a book can't offer. If I explore His ways as my Father more, He will make me a better parent, one way or another. Whether it be from His awesome example of an insanely capable Father, or just a deeper walk with Him that ultimately will change my heart. How awesome is that? There is no downside to knowing Him. I've wanted to go deeper with Him, and He knew this day would come for me. So to help me along in our walk together, He's placed this great desire to be a better mother at the core of my being, and He is slowly uncovering it...leading me to Him. So knowing Him will offer me that which I can see for my life, but also that which I can't even begin to see. And automatically, I will be a better mother for walking even further into His love.

God, as always, I am in awe of your ways, when I truly stop to see them and know them. Stop me regularly Lord, that I may see you in everything. I want to know you to the depths of my soul and I crave relationship with you as though you are water and I have walked a desert for 40 years. I need your ways in my life, my children need your ways in my life, my husband needs your ways in my life, YOU need your ways in my life. At this very moment I am clay in the potters hand and I can slowly see you re-shaping me into who you dreamt of long ago. Remove the old, but keep the gold that you've placed within. Continue to peel back the layers until you reveal that gold Lord ~ You within. How blessed am I that you speak to me in these ways and that you are using me to bless the little souls in my life. That I might be a blessing to others speaks of your tremendous work in me already. Thank you crazy awesome Father! Thank you. Amen...


Wow, that was not where I was going with that, but I always end up exactly where He wants me to, so I trust the meaning of this post will speak to your soul the way God just spoke to me. So much love pouring out to you right now!!! There is sooooo much beauty in the world, so much beauty in Him. Go deeper in Him, today, please!

By the way, this picture is titled "Deeper Dive" and I love it. Enjoy!

English or the Heart?

Do animals understand English? Or do they prefer Japanese? Or maybe Cretan Greek? I ask this because it just occurred to me that animals do not understand the words we say, it is how we say them. It is our body language that they understand, and our tone, and our volume. They speak love, sadness, exuberence, nastiness, gentleness, they speak the same language as our hearts do. I think children are the same way. Although they can understand our language, and may eventually learn several languages, I feel they are best spoken to through the heart. That's where God speaks to them, and that is where they are most capable of hearing. When you speak to a child in the language of love, they listen attentively and soak up as much as they can, and then that love floats back out and wraps itself around this world. But the same goes for violence and meanness and ugliness. When those ways touch a child's heart, and they usually do, it hardens their heart and what is spewed back out is sadness for the world. Unfortunately, I fear that more children experience the latter rather than the former.

There is so much brokeness in this world, and that brokeness transcends generation upon generation upon generation. We treat our children the way we were treated. We expose them to the same hurts we were exposed to as children. We continue to pass along the same destruction that has always surrounded us, because we are broken and hurting and incapable of seeing things from a different perspective other than the one we've always known. It is not until someone, adult or child, decides to stand up and choose differently for their family, that this generational curse is broken and one's history becomes the past. I am in the process of changing the future of my family. I will not pass along to my children what was passed along to me. I will heal my brokeness in order to help them heal the hurt I've already imposed on them in their short little lives thus far. They will not be a product of their lineage who, while best intentioned, did not have God at the heart of their lives, and thus lived half-lived lives.


So I am choosing to speak to their hearts. I will speak to my children's hearts and help them become fluent in the language of love. The great part about this is that, as I've said before, love given is returned ten fold, and love from a child is of the purest kind. I want to break the ties that have held me in bondage for so long, alcoholism, poverty, divorce, brokenness, distance from my Father. So that they will have no hold over the lives of my children. And then once I've learned to just purely love all over my children (which I am getting pretty good at), I will learn to love all over other broken children. I will help other children see that there is goodness in this world and that they are loved by their Father, if no one else. I will help our next generation learn to love rather than hate, and I will do it on a wide-scale, affecting many. God has shown me that He is healing me and will use me for good, and children are at the heart of the matter ~ that's where brokenness begins. But that is also where brokenness can be healed and children can become the people they were created to be, not a product of those who came before them, broken and lost. Showing a child the way to God and wholeness delights our Father in ways we can't imagine. This affords them a different future, a different life ~ the life God intends. This is my desire, to be a light for children, before they become broken adults and suffer through years of darkness the way I have.

Because I know you have put this in my heart so dearly Father, I also know that you will guide me through this and provide the people and resources needed to reach the masses. But first I believe you still have some serious work to do here Lord. You've taught me so much and brought me so far. But let's tie it all together, what I've learned, and stamp it on my heart forever. Bring the outside, what I do, into direct balance with the inside Lord, so that this goodness you have placed within can shine for all to see. So that my actions mirror my thoughts Father, instead of the ways of my past. Because my heart is pure Lord, you have broken down the walls and cleaned house. But the ways of this world still dictate my behavior and I am out of balance. Until I can bring balance into this life, I cannot rightly teach your ways to the littles of this world. I won't preach what I don't practice. So continue to cleanse Lord and direct these footsteps, openning doors while closing windows on the past, equipping me to truly shroud darkness for your children, the children of this world. Show me the way Lord in the way you do. How I love your ways and thank you Father for your love. I love to love!

Being a Daughter

In today's world, it is so easy to be overwhelmed by the many hats and roles we must wear. Men, don't take offense, but this is especially true when you're a mother ~ we are truly a special breed! But that's a whole other topic, and not what I want to write about today. Today I want to dive into the idea of being a daughter. I forget my role as a daughter many days, and I also am very unsure of how to properly return the love given by my Father. I don't put that role first because I have all the other hats on and I'm running here and there, doing this and that, all the while forgetting to focus on my role as daughter and His role as Father. I can easily blame this on a shattered relationship with my birth father, and never learning what it means to really have a Father, or how to truly operate in the role of daughter. But I think even had my relationship with my dad been better, I still wouldn't completely know how to live in this role, eternally, the way He desires. So, let's put blame and doubt aside and accept it for what it is, and figure out how to grow this relationship that so deserves my full attention.

It's so easy to get lost in the details of this world and day-to-day living. This world will swallow you whole if you allow it to. But maybe it's in finding your way back to Him that actually is the journey and what He desires most. I think He watches as I screw up, day after day, but is pleased all the while that my heart finally belongs to Him, that I've found my way back. So each day, as I dust myself off and try again, He is there, ordering my footsteps and cheering me on, just as a Father should. But He is also saddened when I turn away from Him and forget Him, just as a Father should be. In fact, I can be pretty sure that my Father has shed tears with His daughter. Imagine that! He cries because I cry, just as a Father should. I'm pretty sure He's got this Father role down pat!

But as a daughter, how am I to act and fill that role? What is it that I should be doing to honor the most awesome Father one could ask for? I have this amazing, grace-filled, all-knowing Father who loves me regardless of...well, regardless. Yet I don't turn to Him when I need Him most, in everything! I disregard His love for me at so many turns while hope floats by on missed opportunities to fully experience His love.

So what is a daughter to do? Hmmm, I obviously don't have the perfect answer to that question. And I'm guessing it's not ONE thing I can do, but a process of letting Him gently and gradually change my heart. So I think for now I need to just curl up on my Daddy's lap and let Him lead the way. I'll bet He can show me how to be a great daughter, if I would just give Him the opportunity. If I would trust that His ways are greater than my ways and always remember that as my Father, He will protect, provide, guide, encourage, and love, just as a Father should!


How I love your ways Father, that without giving me the answer, you guide me to You, because that's where you want me...right where I belong! So that you can teach me to be the daughter you created me to be. Yeah, Amen to that!

Down, but not Out!

Dear God ~

I am feeling down, and I am sad and disappointed that I am feeling down, because I know I shouldn't be feeling down. I shouldn't be comparing my life to others and looking at all that I don't have. I shouldn't be deeply saddened by a marriage that continues to prove how little I know about being married and that I have no idea how to reach his heart and be the woman he deserves. I shouldn't be mad that I've never been given the tools or proper examples or step up to be financially stable and provide a good life for my children. I shouldn't be wondering why my family isn't like those around me, and why my life has been seriously difficult. I shouldn't be mad that I can't go away on a vacation while others are packing and leaving. I shouldn't be disliking my home because it's not all that I desire. I shouldn't be sad that my parents and siblings feel so very far away and disconnected. Like we are all so broken, but that brokeness is our only common thread, which is just not cutting it any more. I shouldn't be bitter that life has never once been what I thought it would be. I shouldn't grapple with the question of "why" ~ why am I the way I am and why did those things happen so long ago? And why do they still affect me today? Why God? Why is goodness constantly just out of my grasp? Why am I not capable of functioning like others and it is such a grappling struggle just to try to be a good wife and good mother and good friend and good person?


But I never just truly exist. I don't take pictures that capture memories because I'm not even present for those memories. Yeah, I'm standing there, watching, but something within is missing. Like nothing is genuine because it's just on the surface and doesn't get through to my heart. So I feel no remorse when I do things wrong, because that doesn't get in there either. Why have I struggled from one crappy job to another, never really feeling that I am answering my calling. Why do I have trouble retaining and integrating what I learn? I'll have an epiphany and a moment that changes my heart, but then two hours later I'm back doing something I shouldn't be. Like there is a disconnect between my heart and my mind. Man I am all over the place, but that's just it! This is how my mind works and why I resent everyone else for what they have, rather than be happy for their being blessed. Why I feel like my husband doesn't even like me, and he's probably right to feel that way. All the while I see these other women who have men that just can't get enough of them and their heart wouldn't work without them. Why I work in a job that I hate, knowing I'm made for more. Why I can't travel and see all that You've created and help people see You. Why I feel the same disconnect with my children at times that has always existed between my entire family. This is my secret heart surfacing that I try not to indulge often because it leads here, to thinking this way. Pity Party, table for one please!

I am just here, doing the same thing every day, all the while knowing it's there...I know it's there ahead of me...goodness and peace and joy and abundance. But when? When? I know better, and I have faith in you Father, but right now I just want to sit on your lap and cry and glimpse a shimmer of comprehension...a small idea of why this is my lot. What do I need to do to start living better Lord. Please tell me. I know it is all in your timing and I don't doubt that I will get to where you're leading me. But what can I do today...right now...to bring that closer? I don't want my ugly hateful past to predict or control my future for one more day. Please Lord...I need a way, something I can do to take one step closer to you and one step farther from the ways of this world. Papa, I'm hurting and I need to know when I can step away from my ways in order to absorb your ways. I need to know what your calling on my life is and how I can get there.



I'm pretty sure you've already given me these answers, but for some reason I just can't reach them. Like taking better care of myself ~ I know what I "should" be doing, like getting exercise, eating better, not smoking, not drinking alcohol, but drinking in You. BUT I DON'T DO IT! Why? Where is the disconnect? The writing is on the wall, yet I go through each day, still sad and miserable, even though the solution has already been given. WHY?????? Why am I made in this way and what has happened that makes me this way? And why did those things happen Father? I'm just not understanding why I can't constantly recognize the blessings you've poured into my life. Because I know I'm blessed, but I hurt just the same.

Change my heart Lord ~ change my desires so that they are in line with what YOU desire for my life. Spread my wings and help me soar above the storms like an eagle. Use these storms to lift me above them. Peace Lord, that's what I want. No drama, no sadness, no lack ~ just peace, with all that you've given me. But also the desire to be more, to be better, to love better. To receive your love and let that satisfy. Work this out in me Lord, please. Mend the brokeness and instill patience and gratitude. Shed clarity on the things in my heart that hold me back from your ways. There is beauty to see and goodness to behold and the fact that my faith remains strong regardless of my emotions speaks of your work in me. So for that alone I will be grateful and tell those emotions to go take a hike ~ I may be down but I'm not out, and you'll use this in some way to hold me tighter and change me more ~ to work these things out for my good. Thank you for that Lord. I love you and I love your ways and stand strong in them, in your goodness.



Blessings to all for a Happy Fourth of July weekend! Take a minute this weekend to remember what it is we are celebrating ~ Independence Day, the day this country decided to stand strong on their own and proclaim freedom. I join my country on this day and proclaim freedom from hatred toward other countries and beings, freedom from thinking this is OUR country and we must keep all others out, freedom from judging the beautiful opportunities that are born with living in a melting pot, freedom from fear of differences, freedom to love everyone. And I stand strong in knowing that I am truly blessed to live in this country and I welcome others to join us here, to taste a life that may be better than they've ever known. And I hope that we can come together as a country and learn to live in love, not hatred and fear. That was the intention of founding this country in the first place ~ Freedom from oppression and proclaiming the right to praise God, yet we are constantly trying to opress freedom to truly live our lives by removing God from all of it. God gave us this country ~ love it and love others and love Him! Happy Independence Day!

Magic!

I've been thinking recently that I need to write more about my experiences with my family and life in general. As a way to capture as much of this life as I can. But then I think maybe I'm not doing it right, living I mean, and that's why I don't write more about it. Like I don't go deep enough with my children, or take enough pictures, or create enough memories that will last us a lifetime. For a while there I was becomming consumed with wanting other people's lives, and harping on myself for what I didn't have and wasn't doing. I realized that was a result of being on Facebook too often and reading other people's blogs, so I've cut that way down, and it's helping.

But I still really feel that I am lacking in the area of depth and connection and magic. I have to have my home neat and clean ~ the way I want it, but that's not lived in and real, and it restricts true life from happening. I constantly hurry...to where I don't know, but I must hurry to get there instead of taking the time to just live and watch others live and explore. I am so constantly consumed with what is next that I miss so much of now. I've never thrown glitter in the air just to watch it fall, but I think that sounds magical. I want to light sparklers on a Tuesday night just for the sheer joy of watching my children's delight. I want to help them create...create anything just because they can. I want to lollygag and putter and explore the deliciousness that is everywhere, in everything. I want to not be consumed and tired from work so that I can enjoy the precious time I do have with those I love. I want to live, for the sake of living, because it's there for the taking ~ a life truly lived. There are an infinite amount of ways to enjoy life and create memories that will remain. God blesses us so abundantly, yet every day we walk right on by so many opportunities to see and know how truly blessed we are. It's about taking time, slowing down to actually smell the flowers that bloom all around us, to talk to your child and know their soul, to lay outside at night and look at the stars, to truly know the one who created every bit of all this beauty and help others see that beauty.


So today when I leave work, I will be going to the store and stocking up on sparklers, water balloons, and glitter....hmmmm sounds like a memory or two in the making. Wish me luck and be sure to check back so you can see life, in all it's messiness and glory and goodness...magic!

My Heart

She's got a way about her. I don't know what it is. But I know that I can't live without her. Her ways are so intricately subtle at times I don't even recognize them for the magic they are. Her sense of humor is delicious, as is her laugh that reminds me to laugh. Wisdom far beyond me that flows from a pureness which I so desire to soak up and learn from. Watching her sleep quiets my heart and brings peace, as her leg drapes over mine ~ every time! She posesses a strength of character that causes me to wonder why it took me so long to figure it out for myself. She knows her mind and speaks her piece ~ something to be admired. She is growing and learning about life and I so pray for the wisdom to help her grow on her path that is intended and laid out before her. How I wish to help her navigate the ways of this world so that she can avoid some of the darker paths that I walked myself. My heart stops to think of her hurting, but then God gently revives it and reminds me that because she so sweetly believes in Him, she will absolutely struggle, but will always be carried by Him, and I rest easy. She is my reflection, but already so much more and it is my pure joy to watch her life unravel into the beauty He has put there and created. What a treasure to be a part of her story and her heart. May sunshine fall around her in this life always.

I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart
I am never without it
Anywhere I go, you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me
is your doing, my darling
I fear no fate
for you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world
for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart

EE Cummings