I am feeling down, and I am sad and disappointed that I am feeling down, because I know I shouldn't be feeling down. I shouldn't be comparing my life to others and looking at all that I don't have. I shouldn't be deeply saddened by a marriage that continues to prove how little I know about being married and that I have no idea how to reach his heart and be the woman he deserves. I shouldn't be mad that I've never been given the tools or proper examples or step up to be financially stable and provide a good life for my children. I shouldn't be wondering why my family isn't like those around me, and why my life has been seriously difficult. I shouldn't be mad that I can't go away on a vacation while others are packing and leaving. I shouldn't be disliking my home because it's not all that I desire. I shouldn't be sad that my parents and siblings feel so very far away and disconnected. Like we are all so broken, but that brokeness is our only common thread, which is just not cutting it any more. I shouldn't be bitter that life has never once been what I thought it would be. I shouldn't grapple with the question of "why" ~ why am I the way I am and why did those things happen so long ago? And why do they still affect me today? Why God? Why is goodness constantly just out of my grasp? Why am I not capable of functioning like others and it is such a grappling struggle just to try to be a good wife and good mother and good friend and good person?
But I never just truly exist. I don't take pictures that capture memories because I'm not even present for those memories. Yeah, I'm standing there, watching, but something within is missing. Like nothing is genuine because it's just on the surface and doesn't get through to my heart. So I feel no remorse when I do things wrong, because that doesn't get in there either. Why have I struggled from one crappy job to another, never really feeling that I am answering my calling. Why do I have trouble retaining and integrating what I learn? I'll have an epiphany and a moment that changes my heart, but then two hours later I'm back doing something I shouldn't be. Like there is a disconnect between my heart and my mind. Man I am all over the place, but that's just it! This is how my mind works and why I resent everyone else for what they have, rather than be happy for their being blessed. Why I feel like my husband doesn't even like me, and he's probably right to feel that way. All the while I see these other women who have men that just can't get enough of them and their heart wouldn't work without them. Why I work in a job that I hate, knowing I'm made for more. Why I can't travel and see all that You've created and help people see You. Why I feel the same disconnect with my children at times that has always existed between my entire family. This is my secret heart surfacing that I try not to indulge often because it leads here, to thinking this way. Pity Party, table for one please!
I am just here, doing the same thing every day, all the while knowing it's there...I know it's there ahead of me...goodness and peace and joy and abundance. But when? When? I know better, and I have faith in you Father, but right now I just want to sit on your lap and cry and glimpse a shimmer of comprehension...a small idea of why this is my lot. What do I need to do to start living better Lord. Please tell me. I know it is all in your timing and I don't doubt that I will get to where you're leading me. But what can I do today...right now...to bring that closer? I don't want my ugly hateful past to predict or control my future for one more day. Please Lord...I need a way, something I can do to take one step closer to you and one step farther from the ways of this world. Papa, I'm hurting and I need to know when I can step away from my ways in order to absorb your ways. I need to know what your calling on my life is and how I can get there.
I'm pretty sure you've already given me these answers, but for some reason I just can't reach them. Like taking better care of myself ~ I know what I "should" be doing, like getting exercise, eating better, not smoking, not drinking alcohol, but drinking in You. BUT I DON'T DO IT! Why? Where is the disconnect? The writing is on the wall, yet I go through each day, still sad and miserable, even though the solution has already been given. WHY?????? Why am I made in this way and what has happened that makes me this way? And why did those things happen Father? I'm just not understanding why I can't constantly recognize the blessings you've poured into my life. Because I know I'm blessed, but I hurt just the same.
Change my heart Lord ~ change my desires so that they are in line with what YOU desire for my life. Spread my wings and help me soar above the storms like an eagle. Use these storms to lift me above them. Peace Lord, that's what I want. No drama, no sadness, no lack ~ just peace, with all that you've given me. But also the desire to be more, to be better, to love better. To receive your love and let that satisfy. Work this out in me Lord, please. Mend the brokeness and instill patience and gratitude. Shed clarity on the things in my heart that hold me back from your ways. There is beauty to see and goodness to behold and the fact that my faith remains strong regardless of my emotions speaks of your work in me. So for that alone I will be grateful and tell those emotions to go take a hike ~ I may be down but I'm not out, and you'll use this in some way to hold me tighter and change me more ~ to work these things out for my good. Thank you for that Lord. I love you and I love your ways and stand strong in them, in your goodness.
Blessings to all for a Happy Fourth of July weekend! Take a minute this weekend to remember what it is we are celebrating ~ Independence Day, the day this country decided to stand strong on their own and proclaim freedom. I join my country on this day and proclaim freedom from hatred toward other countries and beings, freedom from thinking this is OUR country and we must keep all others out, freedom from judging the beautiful opportunities that are born with living in a melting pot, freedom from fear of differences, freedom to love everyone. And I stand strong in knowing that I am truly blessed to live in this country and I welcome others to join us here, to taste a life that may be better than they've ever known. And I hope that we can come together as a country and learn to live in love, not hatred and fear. That was the intention of founding this country in the first place ~ Freedom from oppression and proclaiming the right to praise God, yet we are constantly trying to opress freedom to truly live our lives by removing God from all of it. God gave us this country ~ love it and love others and love Him! Happy Independence Day!
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