This is going to be a tough post to write, but a necessary one for many reasons. As I've said in previous posts ~ I have to be honest because that is real. I can't sugarcoat what is going on in my life because I know that my suffering is not in vein ~ He has a purpose here, and to change the details of my story would invalidate His purpose. Having said that, I can now say that I am angry at God right now. I think I am more hurt and angry with Him than I've ever been. Even though I am trusting that there is a MUCH higher purpose to what has transpired in my life, I am angry! And sad...in my heart...so sad that I feel my chest might just collapse.
Why is this happening? I am at my deepest walk with You and this is where my life is? My electric has been turned off and I had to pack up those innocent, not-deserving-this children and go stay with my cousin, through tears and incomprehension. The food that I worked so hard to provide is going bad as we speak. It is unknown to me how and when I will be able to turn it back on. And how do you explain to a 6 & 7 year old that I couldn't pay the bill, without scarring their tiny little hearts? I am doing everything I know how to do to survive, including giving these problems to You, yet here I am, failing. My car is not inspected, and I have no insurance. My monthly bills are all behind, and I can't afford gas and groceries. My chin quivers as I hold back the tears. Amazed I still have any left, as the number that fell yesterday should have run me dry. I have inspected every area of my life, digging out the bad, and I so desire to be a good steward over what I am given. But I don't deserve this, and neither do those precious precious children Lord. They have never had true stability, and that is all that I've ever wanted to give them, the absolute basics. But I can't even do that. And here I am, walking through this alone, no husband to turn to, to share the load with. Man ~ I never signed up for any of this! I never wanted this for my life and I sure as hell didn't want it for my kids.
I can't lie here ~ my faith is shaken Lord! If you are teaching me a lesson, please hurry up and do so because I can't handle much more of this heartbreaking awfulness! And not even for my sake. I've slept in my car before, I can handle this. I'm begging on behalf of my children Father, our provider, HELP US!!! I know you must break the horse before you can take a ride, and I believe you are breaking me here for a reason. In fact, I cling to that. Because if not, then I must question what is happening. And I don't want to go there. But to be honest, my heart is saying this just is not fair and a good and just God would not allow this. As I said in earlier posts, I have suffered in this way alllllll of my life. But this honestly is one of the low points of my life. It ranks right down there with being evicted from our apartment and having to move out within 4 days. Shall I go on?
But here I am, working full time to support my children, and I can't make it work. Every day it gets a little worse. The bills pile a little higher. How is a person to survive like this while also caring for two other beings? It doesn't work. Yet how do I take back from them the little bit of goodness I've given them? Finally a very meager little piece of their own home, where they can feel safe and become the amazing characters God has created. And by no means are we living in the laps of luxury here ~ I mean they don't even have beds to sleep in. But we are ok with that, because we have a home! A home that we love and take good care of. I can't move them again...I can't do it. It's not fair Lord! I am not asking for a lot here. We've already lost their father, please don't take this from us too. Please Father...I am falling apart and that may be just what You need, but then You must be there to put me back together. And hold my children's hearts in your palm, protected and shielded while this happens. They've already suffered so much more than they deserve in this world. Protect their innocence Lord and please just keep them ok. I've tried so hard to make this a better world for them, but I am unable apparently. So I can only turn to You and ask that you keep them safe. I can take what comes my way, I've learned at least that over the years. But my heart has broken for these completely innocent children who don't deserve this. Just as my heart broke years and years ago for my innocent childhood that was stolen from my little girl heart. And just as I am healing mine, I am watching the breaking of my children's. Is this real? Why?
All I can do at this point is turn to a scripture that one of my angels presented to me when it was needed almost as much as it is now.
Psalm 34:19 ~ "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all..."
I'm believing in this Father. As the kids and I prayed yesterday, please deliver us Lord. Three have agreed here on Earth, in your name, and therefore it is done.
"Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven."