Where to begin? That is the question that I am still running around in my head with, as I try to understand it all and piece it together. The past few weeks have been a time turned inside out from my "normal" way of existing. How do I put into words the way God has been working in my life? Are there words? I am still unsure, but I will give it a go because I know it would be a tragedy not to share the beauty. So bare with me as I re-live the moments and grasp the ideas through this writing.
God has become ever-present within my soul recently. There have been a series of events and people who have been strategically placed in my path, who have offered such amazing moments in time. I recently wrote that I started the Elijah House course, and it is here that my heart is healing, finding rest, and sucking up an awesome amount of love! The necessity of this part of my journey is clear as day, just as my purpose is also becoming. He is showing me glimpses of where this path is leading...and I feel more excited than I have in a very long time, if not ever! He is reviving a passion within me that I forgot was there ~ a passion to write and create and share beauty with words. I want to write every second of myself into existence, as though writing makes it real. Makes an intangible God tangible, comprehendible. Writing helps me to sort through the muck and discover myself, as God has created me. He has given me this ability to take my filtered and limited thinking and put it on paper in a way that resonates with truth and speaks volumes about my soul. And I now know that all I have suffered will be used for good through my writing to help others who are hurting in ways that I understand and am transcending. Ways that I will be able to help them move beyond and heal. So write I shall!!!
In His infinite wisdom and perfect timing, He is taking me back to a lost childhood and showing Himself holding me through it all - giving me such peace and forgiveness that the hole in my heart can actually be felt closing up. Light is rapidly replacing darkness and joy is abounding. This stirring within my soul is real and just the beginning. I will dig to the bottom and reveal it all to the light of His love so that it can be embraced as an old friend I will learn from and then release. Freeing me to choose love.
And when I say choose, I mean choose! I have lived a life so gripped by my past that there has rarely been a present. But releasing that past is opening huge amounts of space within my soul, and I am choosing to fill it with love. I am choosing to see the blessings in everything, small and big. I am choosing to find the lovely in those around me, and lift up that vital piece of them that they may not even see about themselves. I am choosing kindness and a smile in all instances. I am choosing to listen, especially to that which is not said.
Most of all I am choosing Him, which I still have so far to go with. I am choosing to not be separated from Him, because I am on autopilot, going through the motions, or not inviting Him into that part of my life. Not turning to Him with all of it. I must CHOOSE to follow Christ - in everything I do, I must CHOOSE to follow Christ and turn to Him. I must die daily to the Cross and bare the load of what was done there, out of love for me. But the beauty here lies in that I also get to share in the resurrection and re-birth, which I am currently seeing within myself. How wonderful it is to shed these old ways and die to them, only to have them replaced with goodness and purity and peace. To be clothed in white and walk in His ways.
Two days ago, as I sang (ok bellowed) a beautiful song to God, I looked to the sky and felt with all of my being my love for Him. At that moment He spoke to me, but from a different place than above. He said "I am not up there, I am in here." To say I caught my breath at His words is an understatement! I've known that He is in our hearts, but I never took that to mean He physically resides within us. Well, He does, and I love Him so very much for His perfect ways! If I can't seem to win the battle within and find love for myself, I can surely find love for God within me. If I can look into the mirror and see Him, I can see love in that reflection. If I can touch my cheek and know that I am touching God, I can find elation with that touch. He has connected me to all of life because He also lives within all that live!
Knowing He is there, within, helps me to desire a healthy and whole temple for Him to reside within. He created this magnificence, all parts working together in harmony, to do good. This body and vehicle deserves goodness, for within it dwells pure love that must be shown to the world, beginning with myself. I will show the world all of the goodness of God! This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!