Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Now That's Grace!

Sweep me off my feet...please. I so want a big strong God-fearing man to come and sweep me off my feet. Dance with me under the stars, while music plays that only our hearts can hear. Someone who will celebrate the day I was born because his heart doesn't work without mine. A meshing and beautiful intertwining of souls. Make love to me as though I am the most precious being on earth. Kiss me oh so gently but long and sweet, just because you love how my lips taste against yours. Hold my hand just so I know you need to be close, and because you know how I so love to hold hands. Love every corner of my soul, not just what's on the outside. Reverence God with me, pray for and with me. Travel this earth with me while our hearts remain in one place ~ each other's. Lift up my spirit and encourage the wiley desires of my heart because you want me to be whole. Accept my love completely and absolutely. I will do the same for you...as soon as I am capable. And that day is nearing.

God has already created this person who will resonate with my soul. He is out there, and I may already know him, or may not. God may still be working on his heart just as He is mine. Father you know these desires of my heart, that I be made whole in order to receive and give true love to You, myself, and other beings. This particular desire, for the man as I described above, eclipses all else at times, to where I have to step back and try to understand why this longing is so deeply rooted in my heart.

After several days of torturing myself by watching my favorite sappy romance movies (us girls are so good/bad at that!), I stepped back last night and gave up trying to understand it by my own means, and I asked Him. "Father, why do I need this in every cell of my being? Why can't I be satisfied to wrap myself in your love, and not need this too?" I've always looked to men to complete me, and we all know how that has worked out (if you don't - it's been bad! Really bad!)! I don't want this desire to control my life, my feelings, my essence. I am working very hard on cleaning out the junk from my treasure chest of a heart, but I am powerless to this need for a man. Even though I know that He has created me as a whole being...I am whole in Him.

And the conflict within stems from this overwhelming need for a man while also, I'm going to be honest enough to say, I've been very down on men of late. I don't see many men that are capable of loving a woman the way she deserves. That is men who walk this earth. But then I also have to remember a lot of those women are broken and bring their own pain and expectations to the table (uhhhmm, pot, kettle?). And there it is ~ I am broken and haven't been able to completely love or accept love from another. And that's where we went last night ~ my Father and me ~ we visited that brokenness and the strong desire for a man to take care of me.

As I touched on briefly in earlier posts, my dad left when I was 7 years old. And this is the root of my need for a man to hold me and take care of me. Understanding all of this as an adult and through God's love, makes it a little easier to swallow. But my little girl heart has remained broken since that time. And actually, it was broken before he left because things were very ugly between him and my mom, for many years. I am the oldest, and therefore grew up wayyyy too fast, trying to protect my younger brothers and my mom. It was during these times, when they would be "fighting" that my heart developed the expectation that this is what men do, this is how they will treat me. And then they will leave. Because I have never healed my little girl heart, these expectations have preceded and ruined every relationship I have been in since then. Because I expect men to do these things to me and then leave me, I have created that exact thing in my life, while pushing away love. They have been doomed to failure before they ever had a chance. This is how strong our expectations are. They don't leave room for any other possibility...that is until we realize the expectations and forgive.

I forgive my father for breaking my little girl heart, because I know that he was acting out of pain and hurt from his past and present. I forgive you Dad and I replace the pain in my heart with love for you and your brokenness. I release you from the judgments I have held against you for so long, and lift you up to be the man God sees you as.

I forgive myself for having this expectation on men and for being closed off to them. I forgive myself for the resentment held in my heart. I forgive myself for continuing this unforgiveness for so long. Forgive me Father for these things also.

And Father Above I forgive you for not protecting my precious little girl heart that I have wept for, for so long. I now realize you were protecting me and if it were not for You, I wouldn't be able to heal in the ways I am now. So thank you. I release this all to your loving and capable hands and open the doors for love to reign over me and to be able to shower love over others, in abundance and to the full, until it overflows! And how perfect that "It is Well With My Soul" should be playing right now ~ now that's Grace!

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