I don't know about all of you, but I have enough trouble with Mondays as it is! Add to that rain and fog, and I must say I feel bluuueee! I feel lonely and sad and a bit angry to be honest. And I am writing this to be honest, mainly with myself. I have to keep it real ~ and real isn't always sunshine and happiness. Although, sunshine is becomming more rampant than the rain these days, thank God! But I still have a ways to go until I find the true balance between these roller-coaster emotions. To not have such high highs and low lows, to be centered in Him.
However, I am becoming wise enough to know my blueness is not due to the rain, or Mondays. Wise enough to recognize the sadness and call it what it is. It's that old friend of mine whom I am getting to know quite well...the sadness in my heart that makes it hard to breathe at times. Hello old friend, haven't we been here before? And the usual "where to go with this sadness?" I'm slowly learning to take it directly to Him, but even that is still a struggle at times. As the hole in my heart tries to extend and take over my mind, at times it seems this may be the easier way to exist. Doing the work, the digging, the forgiving of Him, others, and myself, it is oh so hard! And it hurts like nothing else I've never truly felt! It isn't easy facing these demons and well...feeling! Anger over a lost childhood, pain caused by people who were supposed to love me but couldn't, or even broken relationships now. Had you known me just 2 or 3 years ago, you would say "You GO girl - what a long way you've come! Be happy with the progress you've made!" And I am - oh how ecstatic I am with the peace that is constantly growing within my soul. But then I hit this wall again and want to just wallow in my misery! I'm so tired and so worn out by all of it. Let me just stay here, curled up in my ball of pain a little bit longer. I spent my yesterday in this exact state.
That is until He showed Himself wrapping Himself around me right where I was, in my misery, and He held me. Hmhmhh, He's always holding me... again, I still struggle with this. But in the midst of this wallowing yesterday, He took me on a journey in my mind. During our little jaunt He showed me several things that are still stuck in my head this morning and haven't quite pierced this heart of mine. That I am working on and will continue to because that's how this sadness is released. It's this beautiful way He has of gently helping me process through the pain.
He showed me walking with Jesus, whom by the way, I have taken a strong liking to calling Yeshua, and there is such beauty in saying His name as a whisper, Yeshua. Such intimacy and light. Do try it!
So, in this time that knew no time, we approached the Cross together, hand in hand, and deposited several of my staggering burdens there. We placed my addiction to alcohol, cigarettes, sexual promiscuity, lies, foul language, and disbelief at the foot of the place where He died for those exact things. He then showed me to the tomb where I saw myself rising again. And when I asked Him to show me myself, as He sees me, I saw Him, in all the glory of a good and beautiful beyond words God! He stepped into me and showed me that through these hard times, He is removing my outer being that has been so tarnished by this world, to reveal Himself.
Wow, there went the sadness. Thank you Lord, my constant companion and light and piercer of this hardened heart. Your ways are perfect and glorious!
Here is a verse He shared with me yesterday that just now also makes absolute sense. He showed me Psalm 84, which talks about the Valley of Weeping. I am currently walking through the Valley of Weeping, but have once again found peace with this, through His wonderful ways. He brought to my attention an article about this very thing this morning, part of which says:
And this is the desire of God for you when you find
yourself in the midst of the valley of weeping -
that you might recognize the presence of your Lord;
that you might experience intimacy with the Christ.
And then, not only will the valley of weeping be
transformed, but your life will be transformed. Not
only will you fashion the valley of weeping into a
place where the intimate presence of the Christ is
experienced, but the valley of weeping will fashion
you into a complete and mature believer.
And dear one, you will take that far beyond the
valley of weeping. And the valley of weeping will
fade in comparison with the unutterable joy of
intimacy with the Lord Jesus.
If you are also walking or crawling..or laying in the Valley of Weeping and want to read further, see this wonderful article here. Be blessed and continue to do the work, allowing Him to lead the way ~ which is such a more gentle way, and will lead to unutterable joy!
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