I have been very uneasy over the past week, trying to understand what this New Year would bring, or what I should bring to the New Year. And I am finally coming to the realization, through several trying moments recently, that God does indeed have big plans for me & my family. Those trying moments ~ which were all of my own doing ~ are now culminating to show me that God is serious about transforming me. No more sliding by on less than righteous behavior. No more acceptance of lazy sinning ~ where I know what I should be doing but choose to take the easier way out. This is not to say God will love me any less if I don't gracefully follow His lead here. But in order to do well with the big treasures He has in store, I must be faithful in the small things. And I haven't been. Little white lies here and there, not taking care of what needs to be taken care of, basically just not setting a good example and furthering His Kingdom. I would not be proud to call myself a Christian at this time. And that saddens me. Because I know it saddens my Father. No matter who knows what here on Earth ~ my Father knows all and I cannot hide the truth from Him. Nor do I wish to. I no longer wish to hide behind my small lies that add up to big problems. I no longer wish to skate by on partial truths.
This includes my view of myself and others. Do I look at myself through truth? Do I see myself the way God see's me, which is the ultimate truth? I think many times I actually just don't consider myself, at all. Maybe it's just been easier that way? If I don't truly look at myself, I won't have to see who I truly am. Because up until recently ~ whenever I did take the time to consider myself ~ I didn't like who I was. But that is slowly changing. The more God reflects who I am in Him ~ the more I learn to love myself. I'm learning to accept His love for me, and for those around me. But I'm still a work in progress. I fall to the temptations of sin and I regress. It seems for most of the steps taken forward, there are more steps taken backward. But there is beauty to be found among these ashes ~ God is slowly burning away the habits of my old self, revealing the new me. And I actually enjoy looking at the new me ~ considering who I am in His eyes. Because that draws me closer and closer to becoming that person.
I also desire to stop filling my time and mind with clutter. Taking the month of November away from Facebook and blogs and basically all the things that distract us (me) daily was the best thing I could have done to see clearer how much nonsense I fill my days with. I am constantly dissatisfied, or empty, or even bored. And I constantly turn to empty time-fillers to fill my soul. Can you believe I am left feeling even more empty? I know ~ it's crazy! And I am not just talking here about staring blankly at a computer screen while desiring another life. I am also talking about all of the things I "have" to do, like taking classes and counseling, and parties and shopping, and...well let's just call it life. And while I am definitely not saying these things aren't important (because they definitely are) ~ I feel that all things in moderation is also important. And I think we overwhelm ourselves with these "things" to fill our time because it gives us a false sense of purpose. Like if we're busy, then we must be doing what's needed. But I am seeing that I busy myself because I don't know how to just BE. I don't know how to be present in each moment and be ok to simply sit and enjoy existing. I am rarely present in the moment ~ and therefore I reduce the importance of each moment because I can't stop and give it the attention it deserves. An amazing woman, Ann Voskamp, wrote about this here, and it resonates with my soul in a way that I know it must be truth!
I have decided to name this year of 2011 "The Year To BE". It will be a year to:
~ BE truth ~ I will do what I say I will do and be who God says I am
~ BE present ~ I will be aware of the rare & precious gem that each moment is
~ BE grateful ~ I will seek ways to constantly praise my Father for His goodness
~ BE love ~ I will give to others the agape love that is given to me
~ BE me ~ I will see me, to the depths of my soul, and learn to love those depths
I love it. I love the idea of learning to BE. Of slowing down and searching for Him ~ the centeredeness of being. Of further refining this existence I've been gifted with. While the past several incidents that I've created in my life have been difficult ~ they've been stretching and changing me further into the person I am created to be. To see that I am loved and forgiven, that's grace. And I must have grace with myself. I am bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. And I look forward to another year to BE ME even further ~ closer and closer to the ME that He sees. Closer to Him. I wish a very Happy New Year to All ~ may this year be full of YOU through knowing HIM! xoxoxoxo
WOW! WOW! WOW! He just led me to this:
The Year of the LORD’s Favor
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
5 Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
6 And you will be called priests of the LORD,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.
7 Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
8 “For I, the LORD, love justice;
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed.”
10 I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.