Monday, January 17, 2011


Yesterday consisted of an internal struggle of epic proportions for this life. Looking back, from the perspective of a day later, I have to say it was pure grace from God. But it sure didn't feel that way yesterday. The working out of my soul was in full force and I am not sure that I can put words to what I was feeling. There was much sorrow. There was much disdain. There was much worthlessness. There was much shame. Doubt. Despair. Longing. Realization. An honest, grueling, pain-infused look at who I am. A review of all of the ways that I am failing. I was down. Not able to get out of the shower because I didn't want to forget what I was feeling. I needed to feel the shame of how I am choosing to live. Such a necessary moment in my walk with God. Because I had to come to terms with my absolute imperfection and inability to change myself. I had to see the truth in my choices and my life. Not simply glaze over one mistake to move onto another. I had to be real with myself and with God. Crying out to Him ~ I repented in the truest sense of the word ~ knowing that if He doesn't change me, then this life is not worth living. I wept for the pain that I cause my Father. I ached for not following His ways. I grieved for the life I've lost because of my sin. This went on for hours. Me being completely unworthy and knowing it with every ounce of my existence.

Then I went to Church. Enter grace. I was embraced by several souls who love to love simply because they are profoundly loved. Then God entered full force and held me while I wept and gave to Him each of the truth-sucking feelings I was overwhelmed by. I was given the time to rest and see Him. I was given life-stirring music that had me screaming the words because I desperately needed God to hear me. I was surrounded by and given life. And in return, I gave Him my disdain, apologizing for not treasuring the life He has blessed me with. I gave Him my lack of worth, acknowledging that I have worth because I am His. I gave Him every ounce of this life. And here's what He told me:

~ I AM His Child
~ I AM His love
~ I AM worthy
~ I AM forgiven
~ I AM His purpose
~ I AM loved very much
~ I AM changing
~ I AM good
~ I AM capable
~ I AM created in His image
~ I AM sensitive
~ I AM wonderful
~ I AM tender
~ I AM rich with His love
~ I AM eternal
~ I AM cleansed
~ I AM exactly who I was created to be
~ I AM NEW!!!

This is what He had me write out during an amazing service of worship and renewal. I have read this list several times since last night. And I am proclaiming these truths for my life. I mean eternal?! Really? What a wondrous thought! I can hardly comprehend the beauty in that statement. And I really had to pause when He said I am good. I even shyly asked "Really? Me? I am good?" What an awesome truth to see directly from the one who gave this life. He thinks I am good. Insert here a smile in my heart! And really, what I think doesn't matter. I'm gonna take His word for it!!!

“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”
~Zephaniah 3:17

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