I have had trouble this past week shaking the feeling that I am alone. I feel this deep unsettling need to have a man hold me in their arms and tell me it is okay, that I am doing the right things. Where is this crazy desire coming from, and why can't I see past it? I am surrounded by people who love me, and when I say love, they love me - the real me. They see my soul, my spirit, my essence. They know my story, and they love me despite it, because of it. And yet, here I sit, feeling alone....alone...alone. God spoke to me through an unexpected vessel this week, and His message has me stirred to the core. "Let Me In." Three words. Three small words. But three words that, when strung together by Him, open the floodgates to past hurts that I thought I had dealt with, put behind me. Apparently not. To understand the impact of these words, let me exlplain a little bit about those past hurts. Know that as I explain them to you, I also re-discover them for myself. And isn't that what this is all about? Life I mean. It's about discovering, who we are, who we have been, and who we will become. I digress.
My past is a vault of chapters that I have yet to re-read. I haven't wanted to open that part of the book. Up until a year ago I took every possible measure to numb myself from that past, from my demons. And facing those demons is taking all of the strength I have. Thank God I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! And that in itself is a testament to my progress, considering that up until two years ago, I didn't believe in God. I had struggled with my life so much so that I couldn't fathom there is a God who would let someone go through what I've been through. So here it goes, what I've been through. Just to skim the surface, because I'll post more on this later, I have been abandoned by my father, molested, and raped, all before the tender age of 12. I then took it upon myself to not deal with any of the emotions that came along with these tragedies. Not let them in, not acknowledge them. The pain was too great. So, the wall was built. A wall that kept me from discovering me and from developing a true understanding of love. A wall that has managed to thwart every relationship I have had since then.
Knowing God now and having come to be in a growing relationship with Him, I see that the wall I built was put there by God Himself. His good grace, despite my disbelief of His existence, was there all along. Him, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit were there holding my hand through every one of those tragic moments. So I now begin the journey of breaking down that wall. Hand in hand with 3, we begin to bring these demons to light and release them. And part of that is realizing that I must let Him in completely, because even though I felt alone when I was that young child undergoing true pain, He was my Savior then and always. So my aching desire to be held and comforted is God saying "Let Me In, Turn to Me, Let Me Be The One to Hold You in My Arms." So for tonight, I am here alone...in His Arms.