Wow ~ A Year Gone By & A New Year to Come!

Well hello there! I know it's been a while. But it is only by not writing for a year that I can now see the way writing engulfs my soul and brings quiet peace. I am slowly gathering the thoughts to recount the past year, and will share it's blessings soon. But right now, right now I am wanting to dive right into the fresh New Year that lies ahead like a blank canvas thristing to be covered in the beautiful hues of life. This whole New Year amazingness has never seemed so sweet as it does right now. To know all that God has done in the past, it brings sweet, sweet hope and glory to what will come in the days ahead. This girl has HOPE!!! Hope for all that the Lord has promised me. Hope for even more unraveling of the girl He created me to be...slowly grasping the soul within. Hope for more than I can even imagine or comprehend ~ for all the riches of His Kingdom are mine to behold! How's that for some hope???



On Sunday, as I sat entranced and blown away, our Pastor encouraged us to BELIEVE for MORE this year. We constantly limit our potential by believing in less than what God desires for our lives. We limit God. By constantly focusing on all that we are not, we diminish His power in our lives. And it is only through His power that is at work within us that we recieve Him. That we thrive. That we love. Only through Him can we truly live.

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in
heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious
riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your
inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have
power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and
long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love
that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all
the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or
imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be
glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations,
for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:14 - 20)



I make it my life's journey to grasp how wide and how long and high and deep is the love of Christ. He wants nothing less for my life! I will no longer limit His work in my life. So this is the year I will declare all that I am believing in Christ for ~ handing over full control to Him and trusting His absolutely perfect love for me. Glory, Glory, Glory!

Lord I am believing you for an even closer family who seeks your heart and your desires in all things.

Lord I am believing you for complete health in our household ~ a return to healthy ways of living ~ body, mind and spirit!

Lord I am believing you for peace that surpasses understanding ~ in all things, good or bad, big or small.

Lord I am believing you for my true purpose here to be revealed and brought to fruition ~ leading to my life's work and passion.

Lord I am believing you for the home that my family will grow old in.

Lord I am believing you for a steady and exponential growth of believers at Bridge Community, who will reach the community with your love.

Lord I am believing you for financial freedom this year. That all debt will be removed and Jim and I will become the blessed stewards you created us to be over all that you have given us.

Lord I am believing you for your saving hand, which will touch the lives of many around us this year Lord.

Lord I am believing you for your call to action and that you will show me more this year than all the years past.

Lord I am believing you for your love.


One of the most potent ways to grasp His love is to see Him in all things. To desperately seek Him in every moment, every sight, every word. Seeing the Lord in all that surrounds us is sure to fill one with the Love of the Lord. I was introduced years ago to this amazing woman ~ Ann Voskamp. And it is my utter and complete belief that she has unearthed the most powerful way to see and know Him. You can click on her name and be swept away into His grace. So I am joining her in her journey of giving thanks. I am taking the Joy Dare and I will count 1000 Gifts in 2012. Because I want nothing more than to see God's love in everything. So every day I will count at least 3 blessings, giving thanks to the Creator of all things lovely. Here is the list I started years ago, and will now continue. I call it "The Way He Whispers I Love You" :)


1. The grooves of my finger prints ~ reminding me He's only made one!



2. The blue of Mac's eyes ~ yet to be matched.

3. Pat's eyelashes ~ perfect for butterfly kisses.

4. The morning sun kissing my cheeks, reminding me this is the day that He has made ~ I will be glad and rejoice in it!

5. My stretchmarks ~ a forever reminder that He allowed me to assist Him in 2 miracles!

6. The brilliant red hue only witnessed on a sunny fall day.

7. Raindrops in puddles.

8. A baby's belly laugh.

9. Pat's goodness.

10. Mac's wisdom.

11. My ability to choose good.

12. A stranger's surprise and then true joy at an unwarranted smile from me.

13. The amazing arrayof colors found in the fruit and veggie section of our modern convenience known as a grocery store.

14. Eyes ~ they allow one to see the world while also allowing others to see one's soul.

15. The exquisite scent of a stargazer lily.

16. Poppop's hands and the memories they created.

17. Being still and knowing Him.

18. The ability to learn, especially from my mistakes.

19. Photographs ~ the ability to capture a moment forever!

20. The sweet smell of coffee on a Sunday morning.

21. Slippers and pockets

22. Lemon water hydrating my soul.

23. Pearl Jam's lyric's moving my soul.

24. The Bible ~ could He have made it any easier?

25. Locating a pencil buddy!

26. Brothers ~ their hugs and knowing they will always love me and be there no matter what!

27. Love notes from my children!

28. The smile on my face as I read back through these blessings...

29. This day, today.

30. The goodness coming to me and my children with every breath I am given.

31. The color purple ~ a great movie, but also a color that all should feast their eyes on ~ it will change your soul.

32. Chubby fingers stroking my cheek, because that is where they need to be.

33. Witnessing compassion and goodness from a 7 year old ~ that will also change your soul.

34. Muscles ~ they will always be there and are good enough to remind you when you haven't used them in a while!

35. Waking to the sounds of life the way God created ~ nature at it's finest hour!

36. Watching my Grandmother, my Mother, and my daughter plant vegetables together ~ pure magic!

37. A step-father who has brought a broken family to wholeness.

38. Blackened bottoms of small feet.

39. Watching my son and my brother teach each other about life...and how to throw a frisbee.

40. A child walking through the dark with glow sticks on every appendage.

41. Money being given to me at the moment you need it most, from the person I least expect.

42. A note hidden in my purse from a daughter who just wanted to say "I hope you have a good day Mommy, you know I love you."

43. Spending time with friends I never should have lost contact with.

44. Praying over a boy because he is really afraid of a bad ghost...and having that boy say he would like to come to church with me.

45. A mother who truly is the wind beneath my wings.

46. A long lost kindred spirit who moves in and out of my life, but always with the right words, the right hugs, at the right moment.

47. Writing God's ways in a way that touches hearts and minds...glorifying Him.

48. Waking up to a Christian radio station that I hadn't turned the dial to the night before.

49. Music ~ the soundtrack of my awesome life!

50. Three absolutely God-picked teachers and amazing women who are changing my heart.

51. A group of amazing people who accept my love, just as it is, and give love and are walking similar paths toward Him.

52. My sisters ~ step, half, and in-law ~ my sisters, who are true beauty and keep walking forward, teaching me to stay strong

53. HUGS!!!!!

54. Driving with all of the windows down, screaming some crazy awesome song, wind in our hair, knowing all is well!

55. Two best friends who complete me.

56. A new church family who feel like home.

57. Quiet moments where I breath and know I am loved and protected.

58. While I complain about my job, it provides much for those I love.

59. Forgiveness given freely.

60. My vegetable garden, teaching me how to grow.

61. Honesty ~ not always easy, but always worth it.

62. Patrick's desire to grow an orange tree.

63. Quicker & quicker recognition of stumbles.

64. Watching bubbles float by on a lazy wind.

65. Mckenzie's missing teeth, reminding me that she will grow but I can always hold her heart in mine.

66. The touch of a kind word.

67. Laughter that touches the soul.

68. A clean car.

69. New perspectives.

70. Authors who have the courage to put it out there for all to be affected.

71. Clarity creating clarity.

72. A narrow path.

73. Choices made that get me back on the narrow path.

74. Realizing that everything involves a choice.

75. The desire to be better.

76. Love given.

77. Knowing I'm loved.


Today I add the following:

78. A message from my husband, saying he's sorry for not kissing me goodbye this morning but that he loves me. That could only be you Lord!!!

79. Peace in my heart amongst swirling chaos and brokeness.

80. Knowing that I am here to help others and being given the opportunities to do so.

81. Encouraging words from a soul sister that begin with "Hey Sweet Pea". Oh, how my heart smiles :)

82. Remembering just how addictive it is to count the ways He loves me. It's gonna be a GOOD YEAR!!!


I pray that this year to come would open before you like unwritten pages of a book, waiting eagerly to be written on with love and life. Choose the colors and words you will use this year ~ colors of bold living ~ words of believing Him for MORE ~ colors of thanks and praise ~ words of life and love.

So glad to be writing again and letting my soul fly!

Much, much LOVE!!!!

No One Will Ever Love Me More Than Him

There seems to be a theme prevailing over my life recently, and I am still unsure of exactly how I feel about the message. But it is becoming clearer and clearer what meaning I am meant to integrate into this soul. I guess I'm just not sure where it is leading and this leaves apprehension mixed with peace and contentment. Strange combination right? Well here, take a look at what I've been shown lately:

"We can either let painful situations trigger increased dependence upon the Lord, or we can allow doubt, depression, and anger to fill us."

"Nothing comes your way that has not first passed through the filter of his love."

"Begin believing right now that you are about to see God’s goodness in your life."

Isaiah 3 You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you.


And by far, the most cumulative message that He has been working out in me, straight from the AWESOME Philippians 4:

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Thanks for Their Gifts

10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
14 Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. 15 Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only; 16 for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid more than once when I was in need. 17 Not that I desire your gifts; what I desire is that more be credited to your account. 18 I have received full payment and have more than enough. I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. 19 And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

20 To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

As I said ~ there is definitely a theme, which I am coming to see as this:

I am to fix my mind on the Lord in order to find true peace and contentment, regardless of my circumstances ~ trusting in His strength and love to accomplish all that is needed. Acceptance and notice of each moment, wherever they may find me, is to acknowledge that He is more than enough and has already provided all that is needed. And love and kindness for others will show Him to the world, sharing the gift I've been given.



And POOF ~ gone is the apprehension! I now understand. Putting this all together in this way has allowed Him to speak to the untrusting areas of my heart that always assume the worst. I can see clearly now ~ there is to be no fear because, regardless of what happens, it is all of Him and my trust in Him will carry me through. I must open my heart and ears in order to hear Him and heed His direction in my life. And now I just have to let this settle in my soul as truth to live by, and let Him do the rest ~ because I know no one will ever love me like He does!

I AM

Yesterday consisted of an internal struggle of epic proportions for this life. Looking back, from the perspective of a day later, I have to say it was pure grace from God. But it sure didn't feel that way yesterday. The working out of my soul was in full force and I am not sure that I can put words to what I was feeling. There was much sorrow. There was much disdain. There was much worthlessness. There was much shame. Doubt. Despair. Longing. Realization. An honest, grueling, pain-infused look at who I am. A review of all of the ways that I am failing. I was down. Not able to get out of the shower because I didn't want to forget what I was feeling. I needed to feel the shame of how I am choosing to live. Such a necessary moment in my walk with God. Because I had to come to terms with my absolute imperfection and inability to change myself. I had to see the truth in my choices and my life. Not simply glaze over one mistake to move onto another. I had to be real with myself and with God. Crying out to Him ~ I repented in the truest sense of the word ~ knowing that if He doesn't change me, then this life is not worth living. I wept for the pain that I cause my Father. I ached for not following His ways. I grieved for the life I've lost because of my sin. This went on for hours. Me being completely unworthy and knowing it with every ounce of my existence.

Then I went to Church. Enter grace. I was embraced by several souls who love to love simply because they are profoundly loved. Then God entered full force and held me while I wept and gave to Him each of the truth-sucking feelings I was overwhelmed by. I was given the time to rest and see Him. I was given life-stirring music that had me screaming the words because I desperately needed God to hear me. I was surrounded by and given life. And in return, I gave Him my disdain, apologizing for not treasuring the life He has blessed me with. I gave Him my lack of worth, acknowledging that I have worth because I am His. I gave Him every ounce of this life. And here's what He told me:



~ I AM His Child
~ I AM His love
~ I AM worthy
~ I AM forgiven
~ I AM His purpose
~ I AM loved very much
~ I AM changing
~ I AM good
~ I AM capable
~ I AM created in His image
~ I AM sensitive
~ I AM wonderful
~ I AM tender
~ I AM rich with His love
~ I AM eternal
~ I AM cleansed
~ I AM exactly who I was created to be
~ I AM NEW!!!

This is what He had me write out during an amazing service of worship and renewal. I have read this list several times since last night. And I am proclaiming these truths for my life. I mean eternal?! Really? What a wondrous thought! I can hardly comprehend the beauty in that statement. And I really had to pause when He said I am good. I even shyly asked "Really? Me? I am good?" What an awesome truth to see directly from the one who gave this life. He thinks I am good. Insert here a smile in my heart! And really, what I think doesn't matter. I'm gonna take His word for it!!!

“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”
~Zephaniah 3:17

Free To Be Me, Through You

“Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.” Philippians 4:11-12

“Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” 1 Cor. 10:31.

“You hear their joy? Do you see the simplicity of their life? That, my child, is what I want from you. Just enjoy the provision I have given you and I will take care of the rest.”

“And Jesus called out to them saying ‘Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.’” Luke 1816-17



Lord that you would lead me to these verses so shortly after I prayed these heart utterances to you this morning… Awestruck wonder at your ways. I feel your presence as I type this and I have asked you to be with me today, step through the minutes with me. I need your presence Lord. I need to feel your arms around me as you carry me through each moment. And carry you must Father. As I prayed to you this morning, I can no longer walk this life. The striving is finished. It is only through you that I can go on. My ways clearly don’t work ~ we both know that. I will rise from these ashes only because you are lifting me.



I have dedicated this year to Being. Most of all you are showing me to be present, and with being present, I see you. In all of it. Every morsel is chock full of you. We talked this morning about my struggles and at this very moment I speak your words to my soul, that you are here. That you will not forsake me and you have forgiven me. You will provide ~ haven’t you always? Your spirit is upon me Lord. You have anointed me to do great things and I lay down this life to follow you. I leave behind the victim who strives and tries and tries and tries. She is no longer. I have tried my best and I have not succeeded ~ I have gotten what I wanted but not what I needed ~ I am so tired but I can’t rest ~ stuck in reverse ~ but lights will guide me home and I will let you fix me Lord (thank you Coldplay for the words I can’t form on my own).

I can't stop listening to these songs, and as a sidenote, I can't fully express my thanks to you Father, for the way that music speaks to my soul. You always provide exactly the song that will resonate most, in your perfect timing. It amazes me to think of all of the different souls out there who live such different lives yet they can write and sing words that speak to so many hearts, mine included. It's pure beauty in exactly the way I know you intended. Thank you for allowing me to realize this grace that you've imparted through music. My soul wouldn't be the same without it.




And thank you Christina Aguilera for the words God must have put in your heart to sing loudly for every woman in existence. Lord I sing this to you:

I am timid
And I am oversensitive
I am a lioness
I am tired and defensive
You take me in your arms
And I fold into you
I have insecurities
You show me I am beautiful

Love me or leave me just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
I am unpredictable
I am naked
I am vulnerable
I am a woman

I am opening up to you

Love me or leave me, just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy, just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

Now I stand before you with my heart in my hands
I'm asking you to take me just the way that I am

Please lay down your arms
Do you know me?
Make me feel safe from harm

Oh just take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
There'll be no more pretending

Father I am free to be who you created me to BE. I embrace this woman you have loved to life. I step aside now ~ please have your way with this life Lord. I feel your smile as you watch me type this, knowing that I will be content with much or little, praising and following you with the heart of a child, trusting your provision. Each step I take you have taken one before me and I follow your footsteps, knowing that these are not my own steps, but me watching you carry.



Thank you for your arms Lord, so sweet and tender and strong.
They are exactly where I belong.

A New Year to BE Me

I have been very uneasy over the past week, trying to understand what this New Year would bring, or what I should bring to the New Year. And I am finally coming to the realization, through several trying moments recently, that God does indeed have big plans for me & my family. Those trying moments ~ which were all of my own doing ~ are now culminating to show me that God is serious about transforming me. No more sliding by on less than righteous behavior. No more acceptance of lazy sinning ~ where I know what I should be doing but choose to take the easier way out. This is not to say God will love me any less if I don't gracefully follow His lead here. But in order to do well with the big treasures He has in store, I must be faithful in the small things. And I haven't been. Little white lies here and there, not taking care of what needs to be taken care of, basically just not setting a good example and furthering His Kingdom. I would not be proud to call myself a Christian at this time. And that saddens me. Because I know it saddens my Father. No matter who knows what here on Earth ~ my Father knows all and I cannot hide the truth from Him. Nor do I wish to. I no longer wish to hide behind my small lies that add up to big problems. I no longer wish to skate by on partial truths.

This includes my view of myself and others. Do I look at myself through truth? Do I see myself the way God see's me, which is the ultimate truth? I think many times I actually just don't consider myself, at all. Maybe it's just been easier that way? If I don't truly look at myself, I won't have to see who I truly am. Because up until recently ~ whenever I did take the time to consider myself ~ I didn't like who I was. But that is slowly changing. The more God reflects who I am in Him ~ the more I learn to love myself. I'm learning to accept His love for me, and for those around me. But I'm still a work in progress. I fall to the temptations of sin and I regress. It seems for most of the steps taken forward, there are more steps taken backward. But there is beauty to be found among these ashes ~ God is slowly burning away the habits of my old self, revealing the new me. And I actually enjoy looking at the new me ~ considering who I am in His eyes. Because that draws me closer and closer to becoming that person.

I also desire to stop filling my time and mind with clutter. Taking the month of November away from Facebook and blogs and basically all the things that distract us (me) daily was the best thing I could have done to see clearer how much nonsense I fill my days with. I am constantly dissatisfied, or empty, or even bored. And I constantly turn to empty time-fillers to fill my soul. Can you believe I am left feeling even more empty? I know ~ it's crazy! And I am not just talking here about staring blankly at a computer screen while desiring another life. I am also talking about all of the things I "have" to do, like taking classes and counseling, and parties and shopping, and...well let's just call it life. And while I am definitely not saying these things aren't important (because they definitely are) ~ I feel that all things in moderation is also important. And I think we overwhelm ourselves with these "things" to fill our time because it gives us a false sense of purpose. Like if we're busy, then we must be doing what's needed. But I am seeing that I busy myself because I don't know how to just BE. I don't know how to be present in each moment and be ok to simply sit and enjoy existing. I am rarely present in the moment ~ and therefore I reduce the importance of each moment because I can't stop and give it the attention it deserves. An amazing woman, Ann Voskamp, wrote about this here, and it resonates with my soul in a way that I know it must be truth!

I have decided to name this year of 2011 "The Year To BE". It will be a year to:

~ BE truth ~ I will do what I say I will do and be who God says I am
~ BE present ~ I will be aware of the rare & precious gem that each moment is
~ BE grateful ~ I will seek ways to constantly praise my Father for His goodness
~ BE love ~ I will give to others the agape love that is given to me
~ BE me ~ I will see me, to the depths of my soul, and learn to love those depths

I love it. I love the idea of learning to BE. Of slowing down and searching for Him ~ the centeredeness of being. Of further refining this existence I've been gifted with. While the past several incidents that I've created in my life have been difficult ~ they've been stretching and changing me further into the person I am created to be. To see that I am loved and forgiven, that's grace. And I must have grace with myself. I am bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. And I look forward to another year to BE ME even further ~ closer and closer to the ME that He sees. Closer to Him. I wish a very Happy New Year to All ~ may this year be full of YOU through knowing HIM! xoxoxoxo

WOW! WOW! WOW! He just led me to this:

Isaiah 61

The Year of the LORD’s Favor

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
5 Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
6 And you will be called priests of the LORD,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.

7 Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.

8 “For I, the LORD, love justice;
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed.”

10 I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.

Getting Clearer..Sort Of

So, reviewing the past year yesterday has left me feeling very blessed. Really amazed to be honest. Like, Wow GOD! You ROCK! Never in my life would I have thought one year ago that I would be where I am today. It's miraculous if you ask me. And such evident proof of our Living and Holy Father Above. I remember singing the song Amazing Grace over and over, more than a year ago, and praying with all of my heart that You would please haste the day that my faith would be set. And here I am today, my faith having grown into a way of life. That talking to you all day long is now just what I do. That my immediate reaction to most questions is "What do you think Lord?" or I need to pray about this. That righteousness is no longer something I scoff at, but now seek. That I no longer feel as though I am shrouded in darkness and unable to participate in life. That I have seen His hand ALL OVER MY LIFE ~ knowing now that He's always been there, even when I refused to recognize Him.


In looking back, I can't help but also think of all the times that I worried...and all the times He provided. Not once did my worry change an ounce of what was occurring, except to detract my attention from Him. Worry is a natural instinct for me ~ as is constantly feeling and seeing lack. I've tossed this around before by writing about it, and I don't wish to dwell. But I feel as though to think of only the good might diminish the bad that I've overcome. And as I type this I realize this entire paragraph is bologne! There's still bad. But that's ok. I am a life in progress. And at the very least I can take solace in knowing that this life is one that is being examined. That while I may not be happy with all that I am currently ~ "I" am a fluid concept of late, and I would so prefer this to my stagnant ways of the past. I truly lived Einstein's definition of insanity for wayyyy too long, and I have no desire to go back.



Looking at what I just wrote I am actually very pleased. All in the matter of two paragraphs I was able to love how far I've come while also embracing where I've been, where I am today, and while being honest that it's not all roses! That's a beautiful thing my dears! And some of you may be reading this and wondering what the heck I'm talking about. But I know there are a few of you who get it. You get that I am coming to terms with my life. Realizing the blessings that abound and making peace with a past that is sordid to say the least. Seeing life with new eyes and still adjusting the lens because it feels oh so right and oh so wrong all at once. My steps are becoming steadier, my footing surer. Grounding myself in God is the only way I know that my path is straight. And this thinking and writing is all a result of a desire to straighten my path even further. To not waste one more second with a life unlived. So forgive my rambling and my grasping and my stumbling. It's just how I figure out how to walk forward in a way that won't leave me looking back.


There are 365 days spread out before me that each deserve the attention that I've so lavishly given to my past, because that's where I've always lived. So what to do with these days ahead. Who will I become within another year? Where will I go? Who will I meet? How much deeper will my heart grow? And what must I do to ensure that I become even more of who I am? That I go where He leads me? That I meet those I am meant to meet? That I come to know the way this heart was created to beat?


One of my favorite bloggers names her years and I LOVE the idea. You can read her post here. I've been trying for months to think of what I will name 2011. What will this year blossom into? What will it create in me? How will it grow me? Time is so very precious and I don't wish to waste any of it. I love her idea of living in the present and being aware of each moment. But I can't steal it. And I don't want to steal it. I am so tired of looking at Facebook and other blogs and thinking "I wish I had that" or "I wish I were skinny like her", or even "I wish God would give me the ideas she has". I am enough. My Father provides and He is more than enough. He made me to be me ~ and there's only one like me. So I need to embrace me even further, knowing it's the right thing to love myself and who God is making me to be. Because out of that love that I've already learned to receive from Him ~ if I can get to a point of truly loving myself ~ well I say look out world. There will be no stopping this girl who loves to love, but as of now has only timidly reached beyond herself to love others, constantly second guessing the way I am living this life. There's no more room for that here. The old is gone, the new has come, and it's bright on the inside ~ now we need to show it to the outside.





Alicia ~ you are so very lovable and we got this girl! Proclaim the beauty that is within. Proclaim God within you. Let Him shine forth into the darkness. Trust. Love. Be. Be truth. Be His truth. Be. Just as you are meant to ~ BE. I need not do anything. It is not through our own striving that we reach further depths in Christ. It is simply being present in each moment, being true to who you've been created to be, being you. There's only one you.







Holy deepness batman! I need a break after that dooozy! Sorry if I'm leaving you more confused than when you started reading. Amazingly enough ~ I think I understand better what it is I am to do, maybe. Let me give it some time to marinate and I'll let you know. Love ya's!

Another Update (and some Christmas Music for you to enjoy while you read)!!!

Hello everyone, again! I was finally able to get the sizes for some of the people affected by last week's fire, and they are:

June (female): 7-1/2 shoe, Large top, 8/10 bottom
Mai (female): 6-1/2 shoe, medium top, 8/10 bottom
Jose (male) - Medium shirt, 30/32 pant size (waiting on shoe sizes)

June and Mai Chow were roommates!

Now here is the awesome thing I have found out about the company they work for ~ Baker Industries is a second-chance company who also hires people that need help getting on their feet from places like half-way houses, homeless shelters, prison, etc. They help people who really want to change their life and need a hand to do that. Praise God that I am getting to work with them in this way! So - they will take ANY & ALL donations you can make! Whether it be to help the fire victims or their other employees. I was told today that the owner's wife actually recently just set up a small boutique in their warehouse for their employees to come and pick items from, for free! Items such as clothing and household goods! So ~ even if your items don't help the people affected by the fire ~ they will help someone! AWESOME!!

So this is where I encourage you to give whatever you have to give! And they have offered to work with me to pick items up from me because I am so overwhelmed by people who want to help! Can you imagine?? My heart overflows!!! So - let me know if you can drop things off or if you need me to pick them up. Either way ~ YOU ROCK & I LOVE YOU!!!!! May God seriously bless each and every one of you!!!!

Facebook “event” for collecting donated items:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/event.php?eid=109842265754568

Facebook “group” more focused on the National Bank of Malvern Fund:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/home.php?sk=group_168321493205976

T. & E. Care website:
http://www.tecare.org/home.html

Update on Donations

Hey all of my giving friends! You are awesome!!! The response to my request to help these people has been overwhelming! I apologize for not getting back to you all yesterday, but I have 2 sick little one's at home! Plus, I still have not received the sizes of clothing/shoes that are needed. The company who is collecting the donations is compiling a list and hopes to get it to me tomorrow at the latest. As soon as I have that information I will be passing it along to everyone!

But, in the meantime - we are taking ALL household items that people would like to give, as there are 4 households that have been left with nothing! So - I can collect those items from you or again, you can drop them off to me. Please bear with me, as I am being contacted by many people and trying to get back to everyone! I love that I am overwhelmed by giving! Couldn't be a more perfect way to ring in the true spirit of this season! So thank all of you precious hearts! If you've contacted me directly but haven't heard back from me - I will be in touch soon! Love you all!!!!

Help Please!!! Donations Needed!!!

Hello to my friends and family! My family and I have been talking seriously about helping a person or family in need this season, and that opportunity has presented itself to us this past week. Wednesday evening as I left work I saw a woman walking up the street and I stopped and asked if she needed a ride. She happily replied yes and got in the car. It was immediately evident that this woman is mentally challenged ~ and very sweet! So she directed me to her home, not more than a few blocks from where I work in Malvern. She lived in an apartment above a rug store. She was very grateful as I dropped her off and I went on my way home.

The next morning I was driving down the same street heading to the bank, and the building where this woman lived was completely charred and burned out. Apparently there was a very bad fire in the building that destroyed all of the apartments and the company below it. I'm not going to lie - my heart stopped when I saw this. Ok God ~ I'm listening! But I didn't even know the woman's name, so after contacting the fire department, police department, and finally the company that employs her, I have more details. Her name, I am told, is Mai Chow, and she has lost everything. All of her clothes and belongings were lost in this fire. As were those of the other 5 residents who lived in the apartments. Mai Chow's only family is a sister whom they have not been able to contact as of this morning. Her and her roommate have been given temporary housing for approximately 2 weeks, but have no clothes, no coat, no shoes, nothing.

So, it is now my very strong intention to help this woman and the others affected by the fire, in any way possible. They are in need of everything! Hence this e-mail to all of the giving souls I know! I am calling for a massive response from all of you wonderful people who love to give ~ and what better time than right now! We all know how cold it is outside, and we all know that there are so many who are less fortunate than we are ~ now we have the opportunity to truly help someone who couldn't need it more. Imagine that you are mentally challenged and were just involved in a fire where people had to be rescued from the roof because the flames were so bad. Imagine that you are left with nothing. Nothing! Now, look around your home and imagine what you could do without. How about that blanket that has been sitting in the closet for a year? And those shoes you haven't worn for 2 years? What's that - you have a set of kitchen utensils you don't use anymore? And the microwave that's sitting in your basement? I am willing to bet that every one of you have at least one item in your home that you could give in order to create a new home for someone who truly needs it. I'm not asking for money, unless you want to give that too. But there is a simple way to help that won't cost you anything.

I am collecting items starting right now. I will come pick them up from you, or you can drop them off to me at my home. Either way, please figure out a way to help these people. I will remain in contact with Mai Chow's employer, as they have set up a person to coordinate all donations for the people affected. They are also reaching out to find permanent homes for Mai Chow and her roommate. So please - take a minute to think of one thing you could donate. And pass this e-mail on to anyone you can think of that would be willing to help. I know what awesome friends and family I have, and I wouldn't ask for your help if it weren't necessary. But this is a fantastic opportunity to see the true meaning of Christmas come to life ~ so join me and let's reach one of the hurting!


Ok, you can e-mail me or call me at (484)798-4078 to make arrangements. I really appreciate your help and your response here. And you can read about the fire on the front cover of today's Daily Local News, or here:



I love you all very much and am grateful already for the outpouring of love that I see happening for this precious soul named Mai Chow. HUGS!!!!

Alicia

Where Are You Looking?

Why do we look everywhere else for the comforting of our souls? Why is it our natural reaction to search elsewhere? We wait for a glance from "that" man, to say it's ok ~ you are loved. We seek the affection that we just know will fill our needs which seem to strangle us with every breath. We base our self-worth on what others say, even though we know that others view us through their own barrage of self-doubt. We are so eager to play the victim because then we have a reason. Why do we so easily give away that which He holds dearest?

These are my thoughts of late. I am becoming ever~more aware of just how often I turn away from Him to find the satisfaction of my soul. But it ain't workin!!! While I don't necessarily understand why I do this, I am seeing how painfully obvious it is that it does not work! There is not one example I can give you to support looking to others, or even ourselves, for the desires of our heart. That's because ultimately we are designed to need and receive this from one source only. Only ONE is capable of truly loving and satisfying our souls in the ways we were created to need. Pretty smart dear Father! Pretty smart! You got that one right on! It's masterful when you consider the depth to this one single design that rules the majority of our behavior. He created us to need Him. That nothing else shall satisfy the deepest cravings of our souls. Nothing.



And I'll bet that many of you know this. I know this. I KNOW THIS! Yet, there I go...looking to my husband...looking to my children...looking to the stranger I pass on the street...looking to myself. We need validation. We need to know we are loved. We need to know we matter. From what I witness daily, I can comfortably, and sadly, conclude that everyone is searching for this. All of the people in your life need these same things. Not only do they need it, but we go to great lengths of destroying ourselves to capture love and validation from others. If you look very closely, you can see lost souls walking around everywhere, asking "Do I matter?" So tell me this dear one ~ do you think they are capable of giving it to you? How would they possibly be able to provide you with something they can't grasp for themselves? And even if they could, would it truly satisfy? I think not. I know not. In my heart, I know not.


God is the only true lover of our souls. He who created the heavens and the earth, and everything in between, created our souls to crave Him. It is truth. It is inescapable. It will remain this way regardless of our attempts to look elsewhere. Only He can satisfy because only He knows the depths of our beings. While some of you may think, "Oh great, one more thing I'm doing wrong!", let me put a spin on this that may comfort. He designed us to need that which there is a solution for. Take a minute with that one because He just smacked me over the heart with it too! Let's say it again...He designed us to need that which there is a solution for. He's already provided the answer to our soul searching ways. HE IS THE ANSWER! Aaahhhhh! Do you get it? We are all searching so desperately, scouring the earth, to know that we matter. But it is all for naught. We have the ability to go straight to the source! And I will stake my life that He will tell you that you matter. HE CREATED YOU! OF COURSE YOU MATTER!!! You matter. The author of every life thinks YOU matter. He who orchestrates the rising of the sun and moon every day. He who created vast oceans and delicate flowers and sheer beauty. He thinks your life was worthy of creating ~ and He already knows all the ways you'll screw it up! But you were still worth creating. He loves you that much!!!!!!

I matter.
I am loved.
I breathe because I was created.
I was created because I am loved.


Do you know these things too? Is your soul resonating with what I'm speaking? Regardless of how many years you have searched elsewhere ~ I'm guessing that you just heard the truth and you know it with every ounce of your being. As much as you may want to cling to the idea that you are not loveable or loved ~ God just came in and did what He does. He spoke truth into your heart. Truth that you are absolutely lovely ~ we all are. We all matter!!!!!!




Oh Father ~ that the depth of what you just spoke into my being will ring true for eternity. That I might know this as truth over that which I have falsely held as truth in my soul. I matter. I am loved. I am lovely. Lord I shall not question your design in me. I trust that your purpose for me existing is greater than any validation I might receive from elsewhere. There are no words to express what you've just infused into my heart. How could I possibly doubt what you have spoken here? There is no sufficient praise to thank you for your mercy, your grace, and your love. How perfect your ways. Let me forever look to you and know that I am love. Thank you sweet Papa. Thank you.

Go on and be blessed please. Turn to Him ~ the true lover of our souls ~ and know that you are loved. No matter what, you matter. So much love to all who read this! May your hearts understand the magnitude of His design. You are His design and for that alone I love you. Huge hugs!!!!

My Littles

My love for my children abounds. Finally. The truth of my love for these two beings who came from my very own womb is finally being discovered and embraced. This is not to say I haven't always loved them, because I did...to the best of my ability to love. But we aren't fully capable of loving others until we know the love of God. And I do. And His love goes forth from my healing heart, flowing into those who I've desired to love for so long, but wasn't able to, fully. To truly love another being with the love that is given to you by our Father will change your soul in the exact way it's meant to. And a mother's love for her littles is nothing short of God's truest intention for love.

But while this love for our offspring is beautiful and overwhelming and staggering, it can also bring fear and guilt that will literally stop your heart. The opening and healing of your heart allows you to see beyond yourself and sometimes that can be somewhat devastating...to see the damage you've done, the pain you've heaped, the brokeness you've passed along...to those dearest to your heart. And while feeling God's love opens you to love, it also opens you to much deeper feelings of the entire range He gave us to feel. And feeling true despair over the damage done to your very own innocent children, well that's something that could push you right over the edge.



Don't jump yet though, because it is at that very edge where God comes in and holds our hand, standing next to us, and asks you to trust Him even further. It is here where you can see His love for them...just as He loves you and has healed you...He is capable of healing them. But He had to do His work in you first ~ breaking that generational sin (Can I get a Hallelujah!!!).


And now He will guide me to shower the love over those littles that they have been deserving since they were thought into creation. Can I just tell you how I plan to rock out loving them? This love will know no bounds and will be shown in every way possible, and in some ways not known to be possible. Look out my little ones ~ this Mommas heart is ready to be shared and will infuse itself to yours, so that you WILL know the love of God and the life that He has designed just for YOU! You will be shown the truth of how perfectly fantastic you are and all of the wonderfulness that exists within you, this I promise my son and daughter. This I promise. We will walk this Earth together, hand in hand, knowing the amazingness of what He has created in each of us and the goodness He has in store for us. I can feel the love swirling and Daddy is whispering that this is what He has intended all along...and it's going to be ok. We are all just as He intended. Step off that ledge and let's fly together dear ones!






Mmm, I love how He loves us and that I can freely and without reserve entrust the lives of my children to Him and know that His plans for them far exceed any wild-haired idea I may wish for their lives. It is through Him that we each will heal and go out into the world and breathe His love and life. As lights on a hill that cannot and will not be hidden. We're going to shine baby, shine!!!




And on that note, I have to share a post that encourages me and reminds me to live out Shakespeare's words of "To Thine Own Self Be True" ~ know who God has created in you and embrace that being. I can't wait to show my littles how to rock out who they are because I think they are amazing and the world wouldn't be the same without their precious souls! You can read that post here (and yes I definitely stole the next song from her blog, but I'm sure she won't mind because she rocks like that and would appreciate me sharing an awesome song with all of you!)


I want to leave you with these thoughts my lovelies ~ whether it be your children, your parents, your brother or sister, your friend, your neighbor, or the lonely soul you pass on the street, or even the lonely soul you may see in the mirror when you dare to look ~ LOVE THESE PEOPLE!!! Please, find some way to love these people. Whether it be a huge abounding love or a small gesture that says you care ~ find a way to intentionally love someone this weekend, if only because our Father loves you!!! It is only through the lifting of my sisters in Christ that I am able to share these words with you this morning ~ and now I will give back. Please do the same!


Ok, so much love coming at all of you this beautiful fall God-inspired day! Hugs, kisses and all that jazz from a girl who just loves to love!!! Have a beautiful and glorious weekend my dears ~ you are very loved! Check ya later skaters!!!

The Letter of My Life

Hmmm, where to even begin. Can it possibly be written? I've asked before, but are there words that properly match the voice of our hearts? And even if there are, do they come anywhere close to expressing His love? My guess is no because at this point all I can do is hope my heart doesn't explode with His love. So, here's to hoping because I have been waiting to write this for two days now and I can only imagine what the recounting will do to strengthen further what He has done in this soul and many others over the past 4 days. Even as I begin to conjure up the ways to tell it, He is loving all over me and I could die today knowing He is for me...and you...and His love is ALL that matters. Not one other thing or person or being comes close to His love. I truly now grasp the meaning of the word GENUINE. His love for us is absolutely GENUINE and perfect and all-encompassing.

I think the best way for me to share the events of the past few days would be in the form of a letter to the orchestrator of these grace-filled days. So, here we go!

My Dearest Abba Father,

My heart overflows, and you know this. What you have completed in me in one weekend has brought together 31 years of life and given those years purpose. I realize now that this is what I have been missing all this time ~ completely knowing and accepting your love. Not that your love has changed, but my heart is now restored to you and can fully feel your love, truly and overwhelmingly. I've said for years that my strength is rising as I wait on you, but I never realized it could be like this. That it's not about strength or anything I do. It is about letting your love flow through me in a way that shines for others to see and glorifies you all at the same time. I am a conduit for your love, which once understood and felt, flows out naturally into the world. How could it not? For surely I cannot possibly contain this awesome and amazing grace you have opened my heart to.



I see now that you had to spend the last several years gently picking up the broken pieces of this heart and discarding them. Those pieces were never meant to be there, but were heaped onto this heart by the brokenness of this world. And by your grace, I have taken those pieces and died to them, once and for all. They are no longer a part of my being, although you've allowed the memories to remain, lest it not be forgotten exactly what has been done with this life. Because that is how others will be helped to heal, just by simply hearing the amazing story you have made this life into. Your beauty eclipses all of the brokenness in one shining light.




This weekend a group of your children gathered in order to learn how to better rest in you. And that took on many forms and shapes just like anything good you give because of the perfect diversity you have created in each of our stories. And when we are all brought together in this way, it shines of your love! Laughter is felt, tears are shed, hands are held, hearts are molded, spirits are united, love is given and love is received, and you are at the very center of it all. It is so clear that every word spoken was ordained directly from your love for us. In order to break us even further, until we finally give in to your relentless pursuit, once and for all, realizing this is the moment you've been waiting for...for us to surrender completely and absolutely to your ways, so you can breathe the new life you so desire and seal yourself in our beings. Thank you for not relenting Father!


Bringing me to my knees, you showed me my old self, lying lifeless at the foot of the cross, distorted and broken. You held me as I wept over that life because that life was full of striving and a desire to be good, but it was a life of this world. After wracking sobs were wrenched from my gut to pay proper homage for this girl who had gotten so very lost, I was able to hear you say "it's ok to walk away...come with me now and I will show you the way." Your voice, Father, is clearly the reason angels sing.

I then watched as a small child with beautiful blonde locks and innocent, lovely blue eyes emerged from that broken and lifeless body to turn and run into your arms. Your embrace over her was endearing and freeing in a way that finally allows me to call you Daddy...something I've longed for in the depths of my soul. A redeeming Father who has the ability to restore the lost child. It was then that the beautiful momma you've placed at my side voiced all that you were showing me in my heart, confirming your visions and whispers over my life.


And from this brief moment in time ~ a mere 24 hours ~ healing flowed over your children who lavished love over one another, sharing and singing and holding and resting. Finally resting in the truth of your love and your peace and joy, resting in your essence and gifts and sovereignty, in the ability to properly worship you. Relinquishing control. Fully resting in you.

Papa, to say that you have restored my heart wouldn't even begin to explain your work. This heart is the heart you gave me when you first conceived the thought of me. This heart came directly from a piece of your own and I quiver at the thought of a heart shared with your mightiness. That I might be worthy to share this love you are showering over me. But I am worthy. You have fully equipped me to step into this new life and be the person you've been speaking to for quite some time now. My gratefulness is unutterable, but I know you hear the shouting of my heart in it's rejoicing and love for you. And the more you show me as a child, running in fields with you and finally reaching out for all that you have waiting, the more my heart beats in rhythm with yours. May they beat as one forever and ever.

It is in your beautiful son's name that I am able to sing these praises to you. It is in his name that I exist. Amen Daddy, Amen.

Float On

I haven't written lately because I fear that what I am saying isn't truth, that I am a hypocrite because I'm not exactly living what I speak. But as my kindred-spirit pointed out ~ our words have power and we must speak good into our lives. So, even if I'm not quite there yet, it's ok, because I'm proclaiming where I am headed. And every time I speak those words...that truth attaches itself to my soul and impacts my decisions, good or bad, in the future. So I am slowly, intentionally closing the gap between where I am and where God wants me. Boy is that a process! But looking back, I can't imagine if my steps hadn't taken the exact path they have..so I will continue to step forward, shakily but led by faith and a love for my Father! I will float on His love and let Him carry me.

God has also been helping me to just remain still and get quiet. Have you been still lately? Have you paid attention to that which flows from your mouth? If so ~ rock on! If not, I would encourage you to take a listen...to yourself. Is what flows coming from the heart? Can you listen without having to speak? Can you just be, without having to affirm that you are right or good or justified...just be? Can you float through your day, knowing you are loved?

Are you looking for the lovely in others? I was directed to do this for the next week by a woman who is trying to help me restore my marriage ~ God Bless Her (no really, God please Bless Her!). Our natural inclination is to focus on that which is wrong or lacking or negative, especially in others. Change your mind. Thinking on that which is lovely about my husband is much more uplifting than focusing on all that is wrong. And it allows me to be the obedient wife, regardless of what he does because I know that ultimately he is lovely and exactly who God created him to be ~ my husband. So while we both continue to mess up and fumble through this marriage that God has called us to (very clearly and loudly He called, I might add), I can see much brighter glimpses of the people that God is unveiling as He slowly and delicately works out the good for us, individually and as husband and wife. Rock on God, rock on! Help us float closer and closer!

Even if things end up a bit too heavy, we'll all float on alright, of this I'm becoming more and more sure. God is always here, with us, lifting us, guiding us, loving us. I'm preparing to go away with my church for the weekend to learn how to rest in Him and I really just feel the need to float on, trusting Him and allowing Him to carry me, no matter what. Sorry for the mad rambling and run-on sentences, but I'm choosing to let Him do the speaking and this is one of the awesome ways He works in me ~ rambling and bits and pieces that when strung together as a whole ~ He can be heard saying "Float on with me today Alicia!"


Alright then Daddy-O, let's float! Here's to all of you reading this ~ go get still, speak your truth, and look for the lovely...it's there, in abundance, I promise! Love you much and hoping you all take some time to float on His love this beautiful weekend! XOXOXOXOXOXO!!!!

That's Progress Baby!

I was up at 3:00 this morning, having an awesome conversation with our Father, who for some reason I'm sure only He knows, loves to wake me in the middle of the night for prayer and time to talk. Hmmm, it just occurred to me that it may mean I'm not giving Him enough time during the day. Ok, more on that in a later post. But for now I need to share what He shared. He told me that He is truly pleased with me, amongst many other things, but let's go with this one for today because it's just that good!

He is truly pleased with me! Oh yeah, that's right, uh huh! Ok, I may or may not be doing the jig right now (you'll never know ~ unless you know me, and that would mean that yes, yes I am doing the jig, because, well, that's what I do!) So at the very moment I feel that I am failing completely and irrevocably, the God of this Universe took the time to whisper that He loves me and He is truly pleased with me. I would be lying if I said I wasn't shocked. That whisper made my heart jump! How can YOU be pleased with me? I complain, I stagger backwards with every step I take, I get angry, I am sad, and I sin. And that was just this morning! Not really, but on any given day pick three from the above list and you'd be correct! But here's where He got me. He said,

"But look at where you began, then look at where you are now. And know that I was pleased with you where you began...just as I am truly pleased with you now. Because I knew where you would begin, and I knew that you would get to here, so why would I not be pleased? There is beauty in all of it and it was all in my plan. You are my plan."

I realized then, and even more-so today that I constantly look at where I'm not ~ instead of how far I've grown. I see what I don't have ~ not the bountiful blessings that surround us with every breath that enters our lungs. I see all that I am not ~ instead of seeing what He see's ~ a perfect creation who is exactly who she was made to be at this moment in time. I see the steps I take backward ~ not the HUGE steps taken forward. All in all, I am not giving myself enough credit. I am not celebrating the deeper relationship I now have with my Father, which has slowly changed me in MANY ways! Looking back I realize that the changes have been huge! And while it took me almost 30 years to do the damage, I need to give Him at least a few more years for perfection!

He also reminded me that when I look in the mirror and criticize, I am criticizing His creation. He made me beautiful ~ for eternity. Now, while getting out of bed this morning at 7am, after being up from 3 till mmmm, about 6:00 ~ I can tell you I might not have felt very beautiful at that moment! But upon prying my eyes open and splashing some cold water in my face, I was reminded of His words ~ I'm very beautiful to Him, inside and out. Who am I to question Him? Ok God, if you say so, I guess I'm beautiful (I say with a sheepish little grin).


The point is ~ it's ok. It's all ok, no matter what. If God is for you, who can be against you? And God is for me. God loves me, and that will never change ~ He will never forsake me. So no matter how I struggle in my marriage or with addictions or with patience or with finances or with... (you fill in the blank), it is ok. God is with me, God loves me, God will provide, and in Him there is such abundant joy to be found. His ways are not our ways, so while it is ok to question our lives (I actually encourage you to do so because "an unexamined life is not worth living" ~ Socrates), it is not ok to question the purpose of this life. Whether or not I deserve life or whether or not I want to be here ~ these are not up for examination. Because God has a purpose in each and every one of us, and He is very pleased with each of us, for one reason or another ~ a reason we may not even recognize! But He is pleased. God is pleased with me. Yeah, that's plenty for today, for this moment. Father you are enough...more than enough.

A Love Letter ~

Dearest Little Brother (who's not so little any more):

So you've made me an Aunt (again), and new life is always something to celebrate! But along with being a time to celebrate, it is also a time for reflection on this beautiful thing called life. While I can't stop looking at her beautiful pictures, I also can't stop thinking about what her life will mean to you and your crazy awesome wife. Your lives have been completely and unutterably altered, from this point on. You will forever feel that a piece of you is now living and breathing outside of your beings. You will know what it means to truly worry over a cough. You will feel love in a way that you would have never known, had she not been a part of this world. She will cause worry and tears and doubt and fear...along with beauty and laughter and unimaginable joy and peace...knowing that God has given her to only you, and you to her, because He loves all three of you THAT MUCH! Oh, how he must love us ~ to give us the incredible ability to create an entirely separate being from that which makes us who we are. How can you not gaze at her and see God's love for us?

It is in her fingers ~ tiny and perfect. Her sweet cherub lips that are pink and precious! Her face that would melt the hardest of hearts! Pure beauty and loveliness! What's even lovelier is hearing in your voice something that wasn't there before ~ a sense of caring more for someone else than you've ever cared before. An awe of the grace of our Creator ~ that you might be blessed in this way. Let that awe stick little brother ~ forever and ever, please. Because this new walk is one that will take a lifetime, and even then, you still won't be capable of grasping what a huge gift your daughter's life is. That God chose her just for you and has awesomely amazing plans for your family! You so enjoyed giving her her first bath that I can only imagine the day she walks, talks, gets married, and has a child of her own (and trust me ~ it will happen that quickly!)! How proud and overwhelmed with joy I am for you. She is surely going to change your life, even more than she already has and I beg that you dive deep into that change and enjoy every moment of being a father to such a blessed baby girl! Always remember that she is a gift, who is meant to walk this Earth with a purpose and a way all her own ~ specially gifted by our Father and protected by His love that will carry her through life, with your help!



Along with, of course, the help of your beautiful wife whom I love as a sister! Girl ~ you delight my heart in a million ways! You are strong and courageous and kind and lovely, and an incredible mother, this I know already! And the perfect woman for my brother ~ may he hold onto you forever! What a beautiful family you both have created ~ be sure to always keep God at the center of it and to always remember the importance of your marriage! Without the happiness of Mommy and Daddy, there's not much to go on for any of you! So brother ~ make sure to take your gorgeous wife out on a date every once in a while and revere her for the ability to give life ~ your daughters life. And bring her flowers ~ if I remember correctly she's a stickler for roses ~ fill your home with them just because you love her that much.

My heart spills over with love for you and your family in ways I can't describe! And while it saddens me greatly that I cannot be there to share in this momentous time with you and yours ~ please know that I am there fully in spirit ~ thinking of all 3 of you constantly and praying for each of you deeply. We may not be close in terms of miles, but your place in my heart will never be moved or changed - ours is a bond that will last for eternity & I thank God for blessing me with you, and now your beautiful family. It's just sooo good! I love you endlessly and will always be your big sister, even though you have a little one of your own now and aren't so little yourself any more! And remember that your daughter has two cousins who are dying to hold her and just love all over her! They're pretty good at that ;) Much, much love and all that's good being sent your way little brother! Can you feel me hugging you right now? Cause I am, always!!! Congratulations and blessings over your family! And Momma ~ just keep doing what you do because it's all good and you inspire! And precious baby girl ~ you have an Aunt who will love you forever and can't wait to get her hands on you and kiss you all over and eat you up! In just that order! Love you child whom I have yet to meet but is already a piece of my heart!


Love you all so very, very much! xoxoxoxo